What I've Learned

First of all, I want to say that this is the last thing I am going to write about cancer. I am looking forward to moving ahead and not let this define the rest of my life. So, thank you all that have sent me messages. You will never know how much each one meant to me. My hope is that whomever reads this will be encouraged to go get a mammogram and do self examinations. This is so important. Not just for women, but men as well. Mine prolonged, if not, saved my life. I am so grateful that I did a self exam and followed my instincts!! I love each of you.
Six months ago I was just a normal stay at home Mom raising my children and taking care of them and my husband. I never could have imagined my life would have taken this course and venture off into breast cancer, but that was God's plan all along for me. But, something six months ago was tapping into my intuition. I knew there was something wrong with me because I had a sore spot on the top of my left breast that three doctors told me they couldn't feel, or see, or find. They thought I was crazy.(Ok, they didn't say I was crazy, but when you are on the table telling them that something is there and they are saying no it is not, I am sure that is what they were thinking.) Everytime I would go back to my primary gynecologist and tell him what the "specialist" had said about the spot he would just say, "Kristi, I can send you somewhere else if you want. But, what are you going to do if they tell you they don't feel anything either?" I told him I would keep going until I felt at ease with it and he said "Okay, then I will send you somewhere else." That next doctor (one of the angels on my journey) told me she saw something on the sonogram, but it was nothing to worry about. "Come back in three months and I will check it again". So, during that next three months of waiting to have it checked again is when I found the OTHER lump that was cancer. The other lump: I hate that lump. That sucker didn't even show up on a mammogram or sonogram four months before the day I found it and it was 3cm! But, God gave me that other little spot that actually WAS nothing, to lead me to the bigger one that was evidently growing faster than a speeding bullet. So, my primary gynecologist told a member of my family later that "Kristi had a premonition that something was wrong. She kept on searching for an answer and I believe that the Holy Spirit lead her." Amen doctor! Thank you for that doctor!!(another angel)

So, the first thing that cancer has taught me above ALL else is to trust my intuition. As women we are given this intuition and we have to listen to that little voice in our heads that tells us about ANY situaiton that something is just not right! I have learned that as human beings we are not guranteed anything in life. This world is full of evil and diseases and the innocent are attacked daily by them. The only thing we are truly guranteed to happen is that we will die someday. My first thougt when I was told about the cancer was, "Am I going to die?" That is a strange thing to ask yourself when it is really evident that it could really happen. To know that you really may be looking at the end is so strange. I have desribed it to ,as what I think it would feel like, if someone were holding a loaded gun to your head. The first thing is my children that I think about. I did NOT want to leave them in this world without me! How could I? God had given me these two children to raise and take care of and be their Mom. No one else could ever be their Mom. No one could love them like I do. I would do anything for these two little human beings. ANYTHING. Then I thought of my wonderful husband. He was 50 years old when Cole was born! Stan needs me too. How can he raise little Cole alone. By the way, Stan has been by my side the whole time. Each treatment, each surgery, even by my side when my head was hanging over the toilet. He took wonderful care of me and I am so thankful for that. Then I thought of my parents. I did not want them to have to bury a child. That is not the normal order of things. I then thought of my precious sister. I didn't want to leave her alone in this world without a big sis and someone to help her take care of Mom and Dad one day. I want to grown old with her and have grandbabies together! But, it all went back to my own children. My babies. And so, that is where the whole chemo thing enters.

When I am told that I have to do this dreaded step I think, "Okay, the only way I am guranteed a longer time with these babies is to do this poision." So, I do the chemo and the only way I am able to get through it is by telling myself this one thing. And that is, "You have to tell yourself, Kristi, you are taking it for your kids. As a Mom I would fight off a lion or ANYTHING that was trying to harm them, so, this cancer lump is trying to take their Mother away and I am going to have to fight it off with chemo. It is all for them." And it was for them.

I remember a week after my double masectomies when I basically was walking around in a fog, I was so terrified of this chemo stuff. I didn't know my stage of my cancer yet because we hadn't got the pathology report back. This was the worst time of the whole journey. NOT KNOWING! I remember falling to my knees with drain tubes hanging all around my chest asking God to just let me be okay and crying out to Him and my Dad came in the room. He didn't say a word. He just got on his knees too and listened to me with his big strong arm around me. He had tears in his eyes and he told me that I had to do this. That my children need me to do this. He promised he would be there every step of the way doing whatever I needed. And he was. That week was the darkest time of my life. Waiting for that dang pathology report to come back was the absolutle worst. The devil put all sort of scenarios in my head. I know what it is like to literally lay in bed and tremble from fear. I also learned what it is like to go back to that time in your life when you were a little child and you would be upset or hurt and all you wanted or needed to make it better was your Mom. My Mom never left my side that dark week. She slept in the floor beside me or next to me in my bed. Some nights the only way I was able to face the fear was to lay there and hold her hand while we slept. We never talked about the fear, but she knew. I knew she brought me into the world and for some strange reason that is why I felt at peace with her with me. I wanted to be next to the person that gave me life. She was the reason I survived that week.


Chemo is a strange thing. It is nothing like you see in the movies or on t.v. It is "doable" as my oncologist told me, but it will shake you to your inner core. And it did. I have a whole new comraderie with anyone that has endured it. You are instantly connected with people that have done it. You don't even have to know their name. You just have to know they went through it and you are bonded for life. I have met some amazing women and men on this journey that I am so grateful for in the chemo lab. So, after my last treatment I am rejoicing. I am on my knees once again thanking God for letting me survive it. I realize when I am praying to Him that I am in the same spot of my bedroom where I was that day I was crying saying I couldn't do it when my Dad came in. I realize I had come full circle. I realize that God took care of me. He delivered me from the poison.

Another thing I have learned is that, it is easy to find yourself when there's nothing else standing in the way. This is a lonely disease at times. Lots of times. You are by yourself alot. In tests, operating rooms, doc offices, etc. There are lots of places my Stan was not allowed to go in with me at. You find out quickly what you are made of. And in the begining I was a lost, upset, confused nut! I went through all the grieving stages. I had to grieve the loss of my health. You look at your options and you move on. You don't ever get over it, you just get used to it. I have learned in those lonely times that I am so gratfeul that I know Jesus Christ. He has been there in those lonely times. He was with me in the operating room and on those tables having things scanned. I am so thankful that He is my friend and I have a relationship with him. He was there when I was crying out to God to take it out of my body. He delivered my message. He has sent so many angels to me along the way.

I have also learned a lot about friendship. Real friendship. I have made some wonderful friends with this disease. Lifelong friends. I have rekindled old childhood friendships that mean the world to me. One of my friends that came to see me after my surgery during that darkest week told me that, "Kristi, you don't know it yet, but one day soon you will be thankful for this cancer." I remember thinking she must be taking some of my morophine! How could anybody EVER be thankful for cancer??? I understand now what she meant. She had been through cancer too. I am now thankful for it. I would not have the relationship with Christ that I do, without it. I would not have the relationship with Stan that I do, without it. I would not cherish EVERY single moment with my kids like I do now, without it. I would not understand that no matter how old you are you still need your parents, without it. I would not understand how much I want to grow old with my sister, without it.

The day I was diagnosed I was just one of 192,370 females that were diagnosed in 2009 with breast cancer. One thousand nine hundred ten men were diagnosed this year. Approximately 40,000 women will die this year from breast cancer as will 440 men. I don't know why I was chosen. I am a healthy girl. I don't smoke or drink. My cancer was not genetic. The good news is that early detection and new treatments have improved survival rates. The 5-year survival rate for women diagnosed is 80%. About 88% of women diagnosed will survive at least 10 years. Those are encouraging statistics!

The thought of death will never leave my mind. It is in there always just kind of floating around. I know I am a saved child of God and I know I am going to Heaven because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, but that thought is still there of the unknown and the fear of leaving my family. Nothing can take it away. But, Jesus Christ is there to help me refocus those negative thoughts always. After all, I am His. No one elses. He planned my life a long time ago. He already knows what is going to happen, so I just have to trust Him and His will. I still have my days of anger and uncertatinty, but I have also been shown by my redeemer that He is faithful. He is the King. He is in control, not me. So, now we just move forward and keep praying for it to NOT ever come back. People keep telling me that I am strong. I find that unsettling somewhat. I am just doing what every other Mother I know would do. And that is fight, fight, fight to protect your little ones! So, life goes on. I love each of you that read this. Even if I don't know you have been reading it, I love you. You prayer warriors have kept my spirits up. Look for the blessings He gives you everyday. Love your family like it is your last day with them.

Blessings to you all, kristi ( a wife, mother, step-mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, friend and now, proud to say, a SURVIVOR!!!)

Only ONE MORE TO GO!!!

I remember back in May when I first started writing about this I would always think, "I can't wait until I can title a blog that says "One more.! Well, it is finally here...........Chemo #5 knocked me down hard for a week, but I am strong today. My last treatment is October 19th at 10:00 a.m. This is so exciting. You people have no idea...........those of you that have endured it do though I know. Last Monday for #5 I really tried to stay positive. And it helped a lot. I can only do so much mentally though because you just can't fight quicksand. But, time and time again God shows up in a big way. I don't know how to explain all the things I have experienced through God these past six months. But, He is real people. And He is what it all about.I am still having wierd things happen physically to me, but it is okay. I am having lots of "chemo" brain. It is hard, but everyone is helping me and supporting me and my doc assures me this will go away......I am going to hold him to that too!!! I stay home a lot these days because of all the flu stuff going around. I took Cole , my three year old, to the park the other day for the first time since I started all this mess. Before I got sick, I used to take him everyday to the park. Anyway, he was so excited that we were going. I gathered up the strength to go and just sit in the mulch at the end of the slide. Every time he came down that slide he came over and hugged me! I cried tears of joy the whole time. Just little things like that make you realize how much you have to FIGHT when you are faced with a disease. I am just so amazed at the people I have met through breast cancer. I have a best friend that has been with me to every treatment and called me everyday to check on me. I am so glad God put her in my life when He did. I call her my fairy godmother. She always knows what I need and when I need it. And she also lets me know when I am feeling sorry for myself and gets me off the sad train! Thank you Lord for her!! So, now we just have to make it through these next few weeks. Chemo has also thrown me into the trenches of menopause which is not fun, but, extremely easy compared to all the other stuff I have done the past few months. Sometimes I glance a look at myself in the mirror as I walk by and don't recognize myself. The only thing that looks the same to me are my eyes. Although they usually have black circles under them. But, they are there. I see a journey in them that is almost over. I can't believe I have come this far! I am here to raise my kids and love my husband and take care of my parents when they get old. That is the good stuff! I have a relationship with Jesus Christ on a level that I otherwise never would have had. And for that one thing alone, I am grateful.....
I surrender all to HIM!!!! love you all!!

Two more to go!

Monday I go for chemo #5. Number 4 was the toughest yet, but today I am good. I know there are only two left, but it feels like there might as well be 20 left. But, after number five then I can say I only have one left. That will be a great feeling! I turned 40 years old a couple of days ago. That was the best birthday I have ever had! I was so glad to have it. I remember last year when I turned 39 I couldn't believe that I was almost 40. I dreaded that birthday so much, I remember thinking that. But, things have changed my friends. Cancer has taught me so much about myself that I didn't even know. And about others. My family is TOUGH! At my birthday party on Sunday I was looking around the room and realized that each one of my family members there has had to sacrifice something because of me the past few months. Whether it be they had to do without my wonderful Mom when she has been at my beck and call for the past few months or that my sickness ruined everyone's summer vacation. Especially my kids. Though they would never say that, I know what they have all given up for me. But, I also know that they wouldn't have it any other way. They love me. And that is what family is all about!! LOVE. My Stan has just been so great. That guy has put up with all my chemo crankiness, mood swings, etc. and still tells me that he loves me more now than he ever has. I am a lucky girl. So, I am trying to stay positive once again about this next treatment. As my little body continues to lose things from fingernails to hair to scattered thoughts, I just wake up every morning and remind myself what one of my new fellow survivors told me the other day and that is that "this too shall pass." And it will. I will carry this cross to the finish line in October with my eyes glued still on my Rock, Redeemer, Savior, and Friend: Jesus..........He hasn't left me yet and never will..

It is official! I am a germaphobe nut!

Well, I have felt really, really good the past three days. I have felt my old self and so as I am preparing for chemo #3 tomorrow I decided I would just write about something that happened to me over the weekend. Rather funny, I would say. so, I wake up Friday with this energy that I have not had in about 4 weeks. I have no headache, no tiredness, etc. So, I decide that me and Cole (my three year old) will go to Midland, Texas and see my husband Stan. He had only been gone one day, but I missed him and thought the trip might be a change of scenery for me. So, me and the three year old pack up and head out. Cole has just become completley potty trained the past month and I have not been on a road trip with him since this wonderful event has occured in our lives. I didn't even think twice about it. Just put him in his car seat, put in my new Rob Thomas cd and headed to the interstate. Cole slept the whole way there, which was amazing. I had two and half hours to think and listen to MY favorite songs. Not Allie or Cole's. Allie is my 13 year old, so you can imagine her favorites. Anyway, we have a nice visit with Da Da and leave to come back home the next afternoon. Short trip. But a nice one. Well, the trip home was a COMPLETLEY different experience than the one going out there to the desert. Cole sings his ABC's for a constant 20 MINUTES as we are leaving. He sings, or I should say YELLS, as loud as he can this little song over and OVER. This is not helping with the "chemo" brain I have been experiencing (which is a phenomenon within itself and no one completly understands unless you have experienced it; forgetfullness, foggy thoughts, etc.) We are on the road about 15 miles when he says, "mommy, I have to potty RIGHT NOW! hurry, hurry!" And then it hits me; He means this!! I forgot he was potty trained now! OMG! so, I am trying to explain to him how to "hold" it until we get to the next bathroom. We pull up to the next place, which is a HUGE truck stop in I-20. I park and we rush in to find the bathroom. I am carrying him on my hip and of course one of his flip flops falls off and he freaks out, "My shoe, my shoe!" So, we get that back on and head to the NASTY truck stop restroom. I always find truck stops intersting. Everyone is "going" somewhere and I always wonder where they have been, etc. (Just a little nerdiness on my part.) I notice some "biker" girls with really cute bandanas on and make a mental note to ask them where they got them. But, anyway, we get into the stall and I am trying to wipe the seat off with an antibacterial wipe of course and my Dolce/Gabbana percsription sunglasses fall of my smooth, bandana covered head into the truck stop toilet!!! Well, I am FREAKING OUT! Cole has to pea still and I am panicking about all the germs.......So, one arm of my glasses is not completly under, so I pick them out and just lay them on the floor. I get Cole on the toilet and that is that. I am waiting for him to get through and looking at these glasses on the floor. I want to throw them away SO BAD, but they were just way too expensive. Plus, my extra cheap pair are missing because I have put them up in a "safe" place and with this chemo brain thing going on can't remember where that is.. so, I decide that I have to do this. I can't see without them. Cole and I go to the lavatory sink and I notice that it has HOT water. So, after about 15 minutes of running them under the hot water and soap I put them in a paper towel and we head to the car. Of course we have to spend another 10 minutes while Cole decides what kind of snack he wants. We get to the car and I get out my bottle of germ x and just start squirting it all over my glasses. I realieze that there is a motorcycle group parked next to me on their bikes and a couple of men are looking at me like I have lost my mind. They probably thought I was in a biker group too with my zebra bandana on until I got in that suburban. Anyway, I get the glasses back on and we head back to the interstate. So, I guess I accomplished something by not throwing the glasses away, I don't know. Oh yea, we had to stop two more times for potty breaks, but after the third time I realized it was just a ploy to get another snack.! So, I am heading into tomorrow for round 3 and am glad I can laugh about this today.......I am taking my new book that a friend made me tomorrow. I am still in awe that all these people did this book for me and will write more about that later. I still can't talk about the book long without crying. It is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. HOlding on tight to each word of wisdom in the book and being so grateful! love you all, kristi

Chemo #2 and basically NO hair!

Last Monday we went for chemo #2. Lots easier getting there this time. Not so much apprehension. Stan and I went and went through the steps. Blood counts had gone back up and my medi port was in, so they assured me I was ready for round 2. Went back to the "treatment" room once again and this time picked a recliner next to the window. It was a gloomy day. Clouds were covering the sun. I am sitting there as the nurse is preparing my port with a spray that numbed it. I have to admit that this port was lots easier than an I.v. It was just like sticking a thumbtack into a bulletin board. So, the chemo is once again pumping throughout my little blood vessels. Doing God knows what to me, but I just try and focus on it killing any bad guys that are left roaming around in there. I am sitting there looking out at the gloomy sky from the window next to me. I can see the street with cars keep passing by. I wonder where those people are going? Everyone seems in such a hurry. I have driven this road everyday myself for the past few years. I have driven by this building probably a million times and never once thought I would be on this side of it looking out. But, I am grateful that I am here. I am grateful that I am fighting! Stan and my wonderful friend Stacey are there once again making me laugh. It takes about three hours and then we are done. So, we leave and I am thinking that I am not feeling just real good. Just kind of like blahhhhhhhh. I go home and go to bed for a couple of hours. It is hitting me different this time, just a little. Day two was the worst. I stayed in bed all day. But, by day four I was good.......thank you Jesus. But, the hair. Oh let me tell you, I did not realize how vain I was until the hair started coming out in clumps. This is the hardest part of the whole chemo thing so far. But, as I was washing my hair in the shower and it is falling out and swimming all around my feet a verse came to me. God gave me a Bible verse at this very moment. Matthew 10:30 "And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So, don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." And I thought, wow! That is ALOT of hairs to be numbered, but God is the only one who could number them. He is in control and knows how this is all going to end. So, after lots of tears I just got out all my little cute bandanas I had bought and wrapped one around my head. Just putting on another piece of armour. I knew this step was coming, but it is the most difficult. But, we are walking through this too. It will grow back and I am trusting God in all things. He has been faithful to me each step of this process and I am so grateful to have Jesus with me on this journey. I don't know how people do anything without Him.

Just another day in the O.R.

Today I spent another lovely morning and afternoon in the operating room. I had a medi port put inside my body which is a permanent i.v. under my skin. It is right under my collar bone and just looks like I have a quarter under my skin. This is going to be a "great" thing everyone keeps telling me. This way I won't have to ruin all my veins when I get my chemo treatments. It is a vein under my skin that is connected directly to my heart, which kind of freaked me out, but, all went well. I just feel like I have been stabbed in the chest, but it is nothing compared to the pain after the masectomies. And the pain should be gone in a day or two. So, yes, Stan and I and my parents and sister were at the hospital once again this morning. I have this drill down to a "t" now and know all the people that work there fairly well. Stan was with me until I was rolled down to the O.R. waiting area. It is always hard saying good bye at that moment.
The O.R....... This is a fun place, let me tell you. They line you up next to each other and you have to wait your turn to go into the actual operating room. So, I am by myself, lying in my bed with my beautiful hospital gown on and my "shower" cap. I would love to design some new gowns for this place. They should at least make them bright colors or something. They are "one size fits all" and mine is always not covering up what it needs to be covering because they are actually made for about a 200 lbs man. lol I am staring at the same walls as before and wondering how my life got here. But, quickly remind myself that this is just another step towards being here to watch my kids grow up. There is a little curtain between me and the other patients, but I could reach out and touch them if I wanted. I was next to a fireman (who was having some kind of surgery on his leg I gathered) and an older woman who was needing a cigarette. I could also hear a small child crying the whole time. Bless his little heart. I spent most of my hour and half wait praying for him and his mother. I have gotten pretty close to the anesthesiologist who remembered me from the last two times I was there in the past three months. He is about 75 years old and full of wonderful stories, not to mention wonderful meds!! LOL Anyway, my doctor finally shows up and asks if I have any questions. I remind her that I am not sure if I need to be doing this today since my white blood cell count is 1.7. (Low is 4, so mine is REALLY low) She is always humored at my need to tell her how to do her job and assures me that I will be FINE. The chemo is making it low. So, my Dr. Feelgood gives me the shot that makes you not care what the heck they do to you or where they take you and we head into the O.R. I have to move myself to the little metal table in my HUGE gown (and at this point don't care what is showing. ) Then they ask me to breathe through the oxygen mask. I am telling them that I don't think I can put that oxygen mask on because I am severly claustrophic and that is the last thing I remember until I wake up. I wake up in recovery next to the fireman AGAIN. He is waking up way better than me. He is smiling and sitting up and cracking jokes with the nurse. Still don't know how he did that. Anyway, I wake up with this HUGE headache and feel like I have a gunshot wound in my chest. But, soon, meds take care of all of that too and I am back in a room with my wonderful husband and Mom and sister. One more thing done on my cancer recovery check list......We walked right through that......so thankful......
I have also noticed the past three days that my hair is starting to fall out. Nothing drastic yet, just noticed hair on my pillow when I was making my bed. Also, when I swept my floors there was hair in my dust pan. so, I guess I am just shedding all around the house and don't even know it. strange. This has been the hardest part so far. It hurts, I must admit, but there is nothing I can do about it. You can't tell yet by looking at me, but it is falling. I guess I just thought I would wake up one morning and it would all be gone. Not sure what I thought. But, I can tell you that the chemo has not made me sick to my stomach AT ALL!!!!! What a blessing.........I thank God everyday for the scientist that created that medicine to prevent the nauseau and vomiting. Chemo is not easy, but it is not as hard as I thought it would be. At least not this time anyway. Could change as we go, could get better, could stay the same. No one knows. So, I am praying for it to stay the same or get better. It has made my white blood cell count very low , which makes me feel extremely tired and just not good, but that is okay.....So, I have one more week until we go for chemo #2. I am feeling fairly good and hope that next week will be a great week physically and mentally for me. I am trying so hard to stay positive, but I do have my moments where I break down. But, that is normal I am told and just something I have to feel my way through. I thank God for giving me a husband that lets me break down and then picks me up, dusts me off, and makes me keep putting one foot in front of the other. He is my rock. I am so grateful to all of you that are praying for us.............I love you all! I am good and God is good and that is all I need to know......

Chemo #1

Yesterday a 9:30 a.m. Stan and I headed up to the Texas Cancer Center for my first treatment. I was scared, but knew what I had to do. I was fully geared with my Bible, motivational books, cross in my pocket and my "lucky" flip flops that Allie had given me when I was in the hospital. I had pictures of my kids in my bag to look at as well and my phone to keep in touch while I was getting the "treatment." First, I had to go do blood tests and talk to the doctor. He tells me that my blood counts are good and my bone scans came back clear so I am ready..So ,we go back to the "room" where all this is to take place. It is strange walking in that room. All these people are sitting in, what look like some sort of recliner chairs, and they are all hooked up to i.v.s and wearing their everyday clothes. Some of the people are reading some are watching t.v. Others are sleeping and some are just sitting there. I automatically have this connection to each of them as I choose my chair. Just by our eyes meeting we are connected. It is so strange. It is like we have this bond of knowing what is going on that no one that has never done this could possibly have. I pick my "treatment" chair. My friend Stacey and Stan are with me. The nurse comes and hooks up my i.v. and is sweet, but, I can tell she has done this probalby 10,000 times. She first gives me a sedative, then some anti nauseau medicine and then we wait for the pharmacy to mix up my medicine..........AS I am waiting I am still thinking that I don't have to do this if I don't want to. I really could leave any time. But, then I get my pics out of my kids and open my bible and a peace comes over me. And I know that I am okay. Everyone else that is getting their chemo looks fairly calm. I must be the only first timer there. I am definatley the youngest. Stan and Stacey are making me laugh. Then the nurse comes with the three bags of medicine. I have to do one at a time to make sure I have no allergic reactions. This is a four hour process. So, we are in for a long day in the recliner. She starts the first. I am waiting for some kind of fire to run through out my body, but it doesn't. I am not sure why I thought this would happen. First bag goes well. I am looking at the bag reading all the warnings on it as it is dripping into my body. It says WARNING: DO NOT TOUCH CONTENTS IF BROKEN!!! I am thinking "this is what is going into my bloodstream right now." So, I get out my Bible again and quit reading the bag. The other two bags go well too. I felt nothing. I got a headache, but that was it. So, we are done and they send me on my merry way. First treatment in my body now. No turning back. What happens will happen right? They loaded me up with anti nauseau perscripts which are working. No sickness as of yet at all!!! I feel fatigued and a little irritable, but that is okay. So, we will see. I am trying not to think about it running through my body. I am just continuing to thank God for answering prayer and covering me with His feathers, which is what is happening. I am amazed. Praying for God to continue to bless all of you that are praying for us!!! love you so much

staying positive

I am trying to stay positive...........the good things that came from my first oncologist visit are these: I liked the doctor, his staff and nurses were wonderful and he said I won't be doing the "red devil" chemo..( I am glad I had never heard of this because I would have been worried about it the whole time).....but, I am doing chemo and it won't be easy, but will be doable. (is that a word?) Effects everyone differently. Oh yeah, I only have to do six rounds! The name of the chemo is carboplatin taxotere. I am thinking I can do six, right?? I will do a treatment once every three weeks. So, I should be done by Thanksgiving............good thing. I am going to have to have a port put on my body. That is okay, because that should keep them from messing up all my veins. I am also doing a drug called Herceptin once a week for a year via the port. This drug is NOT supposed to be hard. I am also going to take Tamoxifin to stop my estrogen which will probalby throw me into menopause, but hey, I can do that. I just want to be here............So, I have three, count them three, drugs that are going to be battling for me to save my life. I am thinking God that my cancer is a candidate for all three because some are not. I got my hair cut yesterday short. So, I am preparing for that. Thought it would be less drastic when it falls out if it wasn't so long. I have really thick hair. I have ordered all my little bandanas, hair scarves, so I am ready....... I have to go do bone scans, etc. tomorrow and go to "chemo school." What the heck that is I have no idea........
So, I am okay............I have a plan and those that know me well, know that I do very well with a plan...I just hope it sticks. Of course, I am completely scared out of my mind of this chemo stuff, but I have no choice. I also know that I am closer to God than I ever have been and He alone is all I need to make it through. He has put some wonderful people in my life the past three weeks that have been in my shoes and are such an inspiration to me and supporters. I am now part of a whole new sisterhood one of them told me. I love these sisters...they stick together. So, my prayer is for me to breeze through these next 18 weeks and for me not to be a burden on my family. My amazing family. Bless their hearts. I love them so much. If it wasn't for my Stan I would probably be on a plane for Mexico, but he is keeping me grounded.........Thanks to all of you prayer warriors. I pray for you everyday and know that without you I would have no strength. I love you all.

The Little Things

The doctor gave me permission yesterday to pick up Cole and carry him. I must admit, that has been the most heartbreaking part of this whole deal.........and not being able to do the things for my family that I normally do. Just the little things like packing Allie's suitcase or sweeping my kitchen floor, folding their clothes, loading my dishwasher, giving my son a bath, even washing my own hair. My Allie cat has really stepped up and been such a trooper through this whole thing. She is thirteen and has been so wonderful to me the past week. She has done things without me even having to ask. I told her the other night that I was "sorry, I haven't been able to help you with all your stuff like I normally do." and she said, "Mom, it has actually been kinda good because I have learned to do it myself!" And then I thought, you know what, I have done something right!! And my MOM. Thank you Jesus for letting me be this woman's daughter! My wonderful, beautiful mother has been by me the whole time. The first night home from surgery she slept on the floor beside me! I couldn't have anyone in the bed with me because of all the movement and I did not want to be alone. Stan had to help Cole get to sleep, so my precious Mother drags her bedding in the room and just curls up on the floor beside me. Just having her in there allowed me to go to sleep. She kept my household going as well. Laundry, feeding my family, running my daughter around, taking Cole to play, etc. I am a lucky girl.
So , I am now driving and picking up my little Cole in my arms! Something I so took for granted before has now become a luxury and privilage to me. I also want to thank my husband Stan who has been my cheerleader through the past two weeks. He has kept me focused on the positive. He refused to allow me to lay in the darkness during the day and wallow in self pity, which is what I would be prone to do. He made me get up and drage myself outside on the porch in the light. He reminded me that Satan is in the dark. God is in the light. Is attitude of gratitude has been a blessing to me and I am so glad God put him on this journey with me. The journey isn't over yet, but, I am so grateful to have such an awesome support group. I will never take any of these little things for granted again!
To everyone who reads this; girls, go get a mammogram. Boys: make your wives, moms, sisters, aunts, any female in your family go get one. Mine saved my life! or at least made it a lot longer than it would have been!!!! Do it for me!! love you all, kristi

Docotr visit : good news!!

Well, we all headed up to the doctor today at 9:00. Me, Stan, Mom, Dad and Amy and Cole and Amy's little Gracie. I was a nervous wreck......needless to say. I commented like "this must be what it feels like when you are going back to court to find out your fate from a jury." I knew my answer was on some piece of paper in that huge building I was about to walk into. I also knew that God could change it anytime He wanted. We prayed before we left my house. Me, Stan and Mom. Stood in my kitchen crying praying for good news, but if it wasn't, then His will, then prayed for all of us to accept it and God to give me strength.......When I get called back to the room I am still a little anxious. I am thinking , well, if anything, at least I can take these stupid drain tubes out today and be able to sleep on my side or stomach again. Mom and Stan are in there with me. Amy, Dad, and the little ones are down in the lobby. The nurse comes in takes my temp. I am looking for ANY sign of a diagnosis from him. But, he is just his same, nice, polite self. Doesn't act any different. So, he leaves. Then my angel comes in. The doctor. She comes in and the first thing she says as I am sitting there in my little paper shirt with my drain tubes hanging all around me is, "You are gonna be one happy camper today. All of your 20 lymphnodes I took out were cancer free." And then it hit me. It hand't spread! And it was gone!!!! The angel said even she couldn't really believe it. She had felt that it would have been in several, if not all of them....But, we could believe it. My prayer warriors that have so diligently been praying for me can believe it. God answered our prayer. This is the best news I could have recieved today from her. I asked her "Are you sure? Because yesterday on Oprah there was this lady (she is grinning as if to say, Kristi, really?) who's slides got mixed up in the pathology lab? She said, "Yes, I am sure. I would trust these pathologists with my own life. And you were the only one I did that day." I then I heard God speaking to me. Telling me he would never leave me..Deutoronomy 31:8..........and I heard all those verses I have memorized now coming through my head : Psalms 91; Isaiah 40: Jermiah 29:11, Psalsm 27. I am saying all these again in my head and she is taking out two of my drain tubes. I have to keep one for a little longer but I don't care......My Mom asks the angel doctor if she can hug her. Then I hug her. She tells me I will be doing some chemo targeted at that area just to be safe, but I don't care. I feel like I can do anything. My Mom leaves the room to go downstairs to tell my Dad and Amy. We finish up and the angel leaves the room. Stan holds me and prays over me and I have never been so humbled by Jesus as I was at that moment. He is in control of this. He loves me this I know. So, I want to thank ALL of you that have been pryaying for us. None of this would be possible without EACH OF YOUR PRAYERS. Keep praying. I know that chemo may be a battle, but I truly feel like I can do it no matter what it is. I don't go to the oncologist until June 30. I have to continue to heal from the mastectomies. Thanks again and know that if I could I would hug and kiss each of you and thank you in person. Don' stop praying for us! And I am praying for all of you ~ love, kristi

Four Long Days

hello friends,

it is hard for me to type. I am recovering physically, but it is definately the hardest thing I have EVER done. and I know this is just the first battle. Surgery day was the longest day of my life and those who were waiting I am sure even longer. Mentally I am struggling...... I am clinging to Isaiah 40:30-31. Please keep praying for me. I could never tell you all how much I appreciate all your prayers. God's presence was with me on surgery day and still is. I felt your prayers and experienced Him answering them while I was alone in that surgery room. I will write those experiences later when I can type faster. It was amazing. I still know that God is good and I still am trusting Him, but it is hard sometimes to keep focused on that. satan keeps planting fear and uncertainty. Please pray for my mind to stay focused on the good and positive. I go back to the doctor on Wed. I will get the results from my masectomies then. Please continue to pray for my family. I will write next week. love you all, kristi

I've got a date!

Okay, well the surgery has been set for Wed. at noon. I am planning on this, but won't believe it until they wheel me into that cold operating room. Yesterday was hard. I must admit. But, my dear family kept me laughing and I was able to spend some time with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Janice. They had already gotten here, bless their hearts, when we were told of the cancellation. So, we spent the whole day laughing and Stan made me eat all day.... LOL (men are so funny on what they think you need to do huh?) anyway, today I plan on praying and spending some time with my precious children....and my Mom. I know I will shed tears AGAIN, but I must admit, they are getting fewer. I think God knew I wasn't quite ready yesterday. I probably won't write anymore until a few days after surgery when I am home and able to move my arms. I might have to get Stan or Allie to type for me, but I promise to keep all informed. This is so therapeutic for me. Thank you for all the prayers, I can truly feel them. Please don't stop.........Like I told one of my friends earlier, I am having this surgery TOMORROW. unless there is a tornado or something. the luck I am having, I am ruling nothing out.........LOL
love, kristi

God works in mysterious ways

Well, I was all prepared mentally this morning. I had my little zebra print suitcase packed to go. As I was walking out the door this morning the hospital called and said that my doctor had to cancel due to the flu in her family and she wasn't risking operating on anyone today. Totally understandable, but devastating to me. I selfishly fell apart for about thirty minutes and then I got a verse in my Bible and realized that there is a reason for everything. My dear friend Tish remineded me that God Is In Control of This!!!!!!!!!

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

so, I picked myself up and this verse is what I am focusing on today. Still clinging to my cross from my Life Group. Love, kristi

Last visit with my doctor before surgery

Went to the doctor today. It is really hard for me to write this because I am tired and my eyes are blurred with tears, but I know that I need to. First of all, I want to thank everyone who has contacted me via this blog, e-mail, facebook, text, etc. I am in complete awe at the amount of people praying for me. I can promise it is all of those prayers that get me up in the morning. Thank you . I am so very grateful.
Well, we decided to do the double masectomy and lymphnode removal first of next week. Actually, on Monday. (I also want to say that I know I am having a ton of typos and that is one of my pet peeves since I used to be a language arts teacher, but for some reason, spellcheck and grammar check just don't matter to me at the moment. ) lol Having said that, I went into the docs office loaded with a pad full of questions.........of course. She so politely answered them all and I have decided that this woman is an angel. She has become my lifeline. I shed no tears this time in her office. Just sat there in my little paper gown with my legal pad like I was interviewing her or something. When I got to the question that was ,"Have you ever had a patient die in the operating room while you were doing their masectomy, her eyes widened and she grinned and said "No." whew, do you think she would have actually said yes if she had? I think the grin was because I would bet she had never been asked that. That question also made Stan sit straight up in his chair and start paying closer attention to my questions. On a stronger note, she was able to give me a bit of good news. My lab report came back on my tumor that it was, I can't remember the big name, but basically it can be treated with some sort of hormone therapy as well as chemo. This was "wonderful" news she said. She said she could "breathe" now that she knew this. I was thankful for that little miracle, but we still don't know the stage until we get those stupid lymphnodes out. Right now my tumor was 3cm which automatically makes it stage II. After this masectomy I will be in the hospital one to two days and then have all these drain tubes things that will have to be taken care of by a home health nurse. I should be recovered in about 2 weeks and then my oncologists should have all results and decide on the treatment regime. I will have reconstructive surgery after all my treatments. I am still on an up and down emotional roller coaster, but I know this: God is good. God is faithful. This was His plan all along and I am just waiting to see the end result. Something good will come out of this. Thanks again for all those praying. Please don't stop. .............love you all, kristi

thankful for my life group

Thanks to all my Life Group who prayed over me last night. I felt the Holy Spirit there. He was there. Right in the middle of that group. Thanks to my dear friend Scott for the cross that all my friends held as they prayed for me. I am keeping it in my pocket and am determined somehow to get it into that operating room. My wonderful Stan was there as were my precious parents and my beautiful children. The prayers that were said were so uplifting to me. I took the thunder that was happening as each friend prayed as a sign that God was telling me He was listening. I just keep looking at my son, who is three and my beautiful thirteen year old daughter. Remembering that I am their Mother and nothing can ever change that. Also thanks to everyone else that has reached out to me and told me they are praying. I feel really helpless today. I keep going back to Psalms 91. My doctor's apt was changed to tomorrow. I went to the grocery store today and went to one way across town hoping I wouldn't run into anyone. I cried down each aisle. There was hardly anyone in there, but I am sure the people that were there thought I was a complete nut! And those that are around me right now would have to agree that I am. I can tell you though that there has been lots of laughter in the past few days. Most of you that know me well know that I am a germaphobe. A few months ago when the swine flu first came out I panicked and went to "load" up at the store on Germx. Well, they were all sold out. I freaked out and went on e-bay and ordered three gallons!!! Won't even tell you how much I paid for it............anyway, I had forgotten all about this order. The day after I got my diagnosis the UPS guy brings this huge box to my door. I am thinking it is probably some of Stan's roofing supply stuff, but it has my name on it. I open it. And there they are. The three gallons of germx!! I just laughed and laughed and cried. Never did I dream I would trade something for that swine flu. LOL

May 21, 2009 The first day

Friends,

Well, the doctor came in yesterday and told me those dreaded words, "You have cancer." I still am in schock as I wirte them. Watching my Mom and Stan's faces was the worst part and knowing that I have two children was the absolute worst part. This was completley unexpected and I am have been in tears sincce three oclock yesterday afternoon and it is now three a. m. I have been throwing up, mad and sad all at once. It is as if someone has died, but yet everyone is here............My pastor came over last night and told me all these emotions are normal and explained how things happen............you know the sweet words they say, but I don't care right now!!! I am SO MAD! I have a three year old and a thirteen year old that need me!!!! so, the doctor tells me in her next words as I am passing in and out of consciousness on her table that we need to do more surgery to remove the lymphnodes and the whole breast. Then she tells me those words you don't want to hear that "You will then be sent to an oncologist and start chemotherapy." And my head is spinning and I am thinking. "What?" the sun is shining outside and my three year old is out in the waiting room with my Dad coloring not knowing that when I come down off that elevator I am going to change everyone's lives and nothing will ever be the same. I look at my strong Stan and see him go into "man with a plan" action. He stays and talks to the doctor after I leave as if he somehow can make her change it or find some magical suggestion. But, it is what it is.................I look at my beautiful Mother who is telling me she wishes it was her instead of me. I go down the elevator and the doors open and there is my big strong Dad who has always been able to make things go away or steer me in the right direction and he can tell from my precious Mom's face that it is not good. But, as always, Dad holds me and tells me that God will get me through this and he and Mom will be right there with me the whole time. He never flinches in front of me, just strong, tower of bravery that I so desperatley need. I know he is breaking inside though. Then I have to prepare to tell my precious, precious Allie who is at a volleball game. How do I tell her this? I call Jeff and have him bring her over after her game. She takes the news as an thirteen year old would be expected to take it. I assure that Mom is going go fight with everthing to beat this. And she believes me. It is strange having to be so strong in front of her, but that mother thing kicks in and I am able to do it.......so, right now I need prayer......prayer.........prayer. For strength, a miracle a misdiagnosis, anything. I will have the surger probably around the first of June....after that the doctor will be able to tell me what "stage" it is in and more of a prognosis............that is all I know. I am filled with sadness, uncertainty, anger, and apprehension. I love you all, kris

Life can change in three words

I am going to attempt this blogging thing. I have tried it in the past and never "got around to it." So, bear with me in the whole process of learning all the details of how to blog. But, I have just had a life changing event and I have always been good at expressing my feelings through written word, so I thought, and several others suggested, that I might try keeping my journey in writing. As I write this I want to tell everyone who is going to read it that it will be my true, raw emotions and I hope in doing so to not ever offend anyone or make them sad. My hope is that you will only pray for me every day and pray for a miracle that I know God can do. I am still only 6 days into this life changing thing so, my heart is broken and my emotions are literally up and down from one minute to the next. Thursday, May 21, 2009 my doctor told me "you have cancer." Breast cancer. I thought my heart had been broken once before, but this is what a broken heart must feel like. I am literally on my knees for hours a day praying to my Redeemer to grant that miracle I know only He can. I go back to my surgeon on Wed. this week to schedule my double masectomy and lymphnode removal. It won't be until after that report that we will know what "stage" we are in. But, I will be doing chemo and that is all I know. That is enough for me right now. I am going through all the emotions of grief and they are horrible. I am thinking of all the stupid things I have done in my life and the time I have wasted on petty feelings and unforgiveness. My really only concern is my two precious children. One is thirteen and one is three. My three year old is a "miracle" baby and I just keep wondering why God would give me this miracle and then three years later I get cancer. People keep telling me this is a test of my Faith and I need to find that strength that I have somewhere inside me. I am getting closer to accepting this, but it is coming slowly. I am scared..... I am not scared of death, I am just scared of the chemo and possibly being taken away from my children. I am scared of them having to watch me go through this. I am scared of them being without me. I am still in schock. My life will never be the same. I am going to persevere and do whatever it is I have to do to make it. I am strong and I have a wonderful family and prayer brothers and sisters on my side praying for me. It is just so strange how something like this makes you see things so differently. Life is so fragile. I am a healthy looking 39 year old woman with a wonderful husband and healthy kids. My husband and kids need me. I will be writing more later............I am in tears. Please pray for my kids...........