every day is a gift

just wanted to update everyone on our journey. I am doing good. Dr. Melnyk checks my tumor markers every three weeks and so far, they are still normal. Praise God!!!That is a miracle you guys.............To God be the glory!!!! I am still doing an i.v. treatment every three weeks. It takes one and half hours to get the unfusion, about an hour to see the doc, so I'm usually there at total of 3-4 hours every third monday. My Dad goes with me and sits with me every time. I am feeling okay. I still struggle with hot flashes and this heat is not helping and I honeslty, still struggle somedays with that big four letter word FEAR! I guess I always will. I try and make the MOST of everyday. I have to be doing something constantly because if I sit still long enough my mind starts racing and I go to a pretty dark place. So, we stay really busy around here. Cole is getting ready to start kindergarten in August and, as he told Allie when she asked him if he was getting excited about starting school, he replied........... "I'm not going to kindergarten.".....hmmmmm .........He went to art camp for two days and it was a struggle. It was just for three hours a day, but he didn't want me leaving him. He didn't throw a "fit", just would have tears streaming down his little face as I would leave and tell me he was "gonna miss me." Needless to say, I ended up staying at the last day of art camp (: They needed help anyway. Ha! But, I won't be able to stay at kindergarten. And he knows this........He asked if I could just be the "lunch lady?" His little mind is working overtime. So........ he is having a hard time. He has really become very clingy to me in the past month. Some days it is almost unbearable because it breaks my heart when he does this. I physically hurt in my chest. As a Mom dealing with the monster of cancer, to hear your child "need" you and cry for you is one million times harder than a mom that is healthy. Because the devil always puts that fear in my head that says "what if you are not here one day and he needs you?" It is a horrible horrible feeling and I honestly struggle with this more than I show anyone. That is why this blog has been so good for me. I can vent. So, when you pray for me,........... don't. Pray for my children. I don't want to say, "pray that they don't need me" but, if you are a mom with cancer you will know what I'm talking about. And if you are a healthy mom, I hope you never have to know this. It's so cliche, but don't take a minute with your babies for granted!! We took our children, along with my parents, to the beach and had a great time. It was so nice to spend time with Cole on the ocean shore. And just hang out with my girls on the beach and their friends. I know how lucky I am............I know how much grace and mercy the Father has shown me and I am so very very grateful. I just try to live in the moment and help other moms that are struggling with illness. God seems to always put them in my path and I believe that is why He has spared me thus far. So, that is where we are. Just taking it all one day at a time, literally, and enjoying each moment. I go back to Houston the first week of August. I will update you all again after that apt. Somdays I can't believe how far we have come. And other days I find myself actually "forgetting" that it can all change in a split second. Some days I feel like I am just always one test away from another reaccurance. I know that sounds like I am not positive. I am positive, it just is all overwhelming sometimes to actually look back at what all I have put my body through and realize I am sill here and able to actually have a normal day at all. I actually feel fairly good physically. I have develped what I think is probably like arthirits from all the chemo. But, I am controlling that with meds. But, other than that, I am so far from where I was last summer. Anyhow, I just want to tell you all that I love you. I appreciate all the prayers more than you could ever know. Keep them coming!!! Love your kids, spend time with them, let things go, forgive each other, love the unlovable, help people, stay in your Bible, love your spouse and support them. I love you Jesus! And it all because of You that I am here. I am a lucky girl...........kristi- still a survivor!!!!!! I love all of you that read this.........