May 21, 2009 The first day

Friends,

Well, the doctor came in yesterday and told me those dreaded words, "You have cancer." I still am in schock as I wirte them. Watching my Mom and Stan's faces was the worst part and knowing that I have two children was the absolute worst part. This was completley unexpected and I am have been in tears sincce three oclock yesterday afternoon and it is now three a. m. I have been throwing up, mad and sad all at once. It is as if someone has died, but yet everyone is here............My pastor came over last night and told me all these emotions are normal and explained how things happen............you know the sweet words they say, but I don't care right now!!! I am SO MAD! I have a three year old and a thirteen year old that need me!!!! so, the doctor tells me in her next words as I am passing in and out of consciousness on her table that we need to do more surgery to remove the lymphnodes and the whole breast. Then she tells me those words you don't want to hear that "You will then be sent to an oncologist and start chemotherapy." And my head is spinning and I am thinking. "What?" the sun is shining outside and my three year old is out in the waiting room with my Dad coloring not knowing that when I come down off that elevator I am going to change everyone's lives and nothing will ever be the same. I look at my strong Stan and see him go into "man with a plan" action. He stays and talks to the doctor after I leave as if he somehow can make her change it or find some magical suggestion. But, it is what it is.................I look at my beautiful Mother who is telling me she wishes it was her instead of me. I go down the elevator and the doors open and there is my big strong Dad who has always been able to make things go away or steer me in the right direction and he can tell from my precious Mom's face that it is not good. But, as always, Dad holds me and tells me that God will get me through this and he and Mom will be right there with me the whole time. He never flinches in front of me, just strong, tower of bravery that I so desperatley need. I know he is breaking inside though. Then I have to prepare to tell my precious, precious Allie who is at a volleball game. How do I tell her this? I call Jeff and have him bring her over after her game. She takes the news as an thirteen year old would be expected to take it. I assure that Mom is going go fight with everthing to beat this. And she believes me. It is strange having to be so strong in front of her, but that mother thing kicks in and I am able to do it.......so, right now I need prayer......prayer.........prayer. For strength, a miracle a misdiagnosis, anything. I will have the surger probably around the first of June....after that the doctor will be able to tell me what "stage" it is in and more of a prognosis............that is all I know. I am filled with sadness, uncertainty, anger, and apprehension. I love you all, kris

Life can change in three words

I am going to attempt this blogging thing. I have tried it in the past and never "got around to it." So, bear with me in the whole process of learning all the details of how to blog. But, I have just had a life changing event and I have always been good at expressing my feelings through written word, so I thought, and several others suggested, that I might try keeping my journey in writing. As I write this I want to tell everyone who is going to read it that it will be my true, raw emotions and I hope in doing so to not ever offend anyone or make them sad. My hope is that you will only pray for me every day and pray for a miracle that I know God can do. I am still only 6 days into this life changing thing so, my heart is broken and my emotions are literally up and down from one minute to the next. Thursday, May 21, 2009 my doctor told me "you have cancer." Breast cancer. I thought my heart had been broken once before, but this is what a broken heart must feel like. I am literally on my knees for hours a day praying to my Redeemer to grant that miracle I know only He can. I go back to my surgeon on Wed. this week to schedule my double masectomy and lymphnode removal. It won't be until after that report that we will know what "stage" we are in. But, I will be doing chemo and that is all I know. That is enough for me right now. I am going through all the emotions of grief and they are horrible. I am thinking of all the stupid things I have done in my life and the time I have wasted on petty feelings and unforgiveness. My really only concern is my two precious children. One is thirteen and one is three. My three year old is a "miracle" baby and I just keep wondering why God would give me this miracle and then three years later I get cancer. People keep telling me this is a test of my Faith and I need to find that strength that I have somewhere inside me. I am getting closer to accepting this, but it is coming slowly. I am scared..... I am not scared of death, I am just scared of the chemo and possibly being taken away from my children. I am scared of them having to watch me go through this. I am scared of them being without me. I am still in schock. My life will never be the same. I am going to persevere and do whatever it is I have to do to make it. I am strong and I have a wonderful family and prayer brothers and sisters on my side praying for me. It is just so strange how something like this makes you see things so differently. Life is so fragile. I am a healthy looking 39 year old woman with a wonderful husband and healthy kids. My husband and kids need me. I will be writing more later............I am in tears. Please pray for my kids...........