May 21, 2009 The first day

Friends,

Well, the doctor came in yesterday and told me those dreaded words, "You have cancer." I still am in schock as I wirte them. Watching my Mom and Stan's faces was the worst part and knowing that I have two children was the absolute worst part. This was completley unexpected and I am have been in tears sincce three oclock yesterday afternoon and it is now three a. m. I have been throwing up, mad and sad all at once. It is as if someone has died, but yet everyone is here............My pastor came over last night and told me all these emotions are normal and explained how things happen............you know the sweet words they say, but I don't care right now!!! I am SO MAD! I have a three year old and a thirteen year old that need me!!!! so, the doctor tells me in her next words as I am passing in and out of consciousness on her table that we need to do more surgery to remove the lymphnodes and the whole breast. Then she tells me those words you don't want to hear that "You will then be sent to an oncologist and start chemotherapy." And my head is spinning and I am thinking. "What?" the sun is shining outside and my three year old is out in the waiting room with my Dad coloring not knowing that when I come down off that elevator I am going to change everyone's lives and nothing will ever be the same. I look at my strong Stan and see him go into "man with a plan" action. He stays and talks to the doctor after I leave as if he somehow can make her change it or find some magical suggestion. But, it is what it is.................I look at my beautiful Mother who is telling me she wishes it was her instead of me. I go down the elevator and the doors open and there is my big strong Dad who has always been able to make things go away or steer me in the right direction and he can tell from my precious Mom's face that it is not good. But, as always, Dad holds me and tells me that God will get me through this and he and Mom will be right there with me the whole time. He never flinches in front of me, just strong, tower of bravery that I so desperatley need. I know he is breaking inside though. Then I have to prepare to tell my precious, precious Allie who is at a volleball game. How do I tell her this? I call Jeff and have him bring her over after her game. She takes the news as an thirteen year old would be expected to take it. I assure that Mom is going go fight with everthing to beat this. And she believes me. It is strange having to be so strong in front of her, but that mother thing kicks in and I am able to do it.......so, right now I need prayer......prayer.........prayer. For strength, a miracle a misdiagnosis, anything. I will have the surger probably around the first of June....after that the doctor will be able to tell me what "stage" it is in and more of a prognosis............that is all I know. I am filled with sadness, uncertainty, anger, and apprehension. I love you all, kris