Life can change in three words

I am going to attempt this blogging thing. I have tried it in the past and never "got around to it." So, bear with me in the whole process of learning all the details of how to blog. But, I have just had a life changing event and I have always been good at expressing my feelings through written word, so I thought, and several others suggested, that I might try keeping my journey in writing. As I write this I want to tell everyone who is going to read it that it will be my true, raw emotions and I hope in doing so to not ever offend anyone or make them sad. My hope is that you will only pray for me every day and pray for a miracle that I know God can do. I am still only 6 days into this life changing thing so, my heart is broken and my emotions are literally up and down from one minute to the next. Thursday, May 21, 2009 my doctor told me "you have cancer." Breast cancer. I thought my heart had been broken once before, but this is what a broken heart must feel like. I am literally on my knees for hours a day praying to my Redeemer to grant that miracle I know only He can. I go back to my surgeon on Wed. this week to schedule my double masectomy and lymphnode removal. It won't be until after that report that we will know what "stage" we are in. But, I will be doing chemo and that is all I know. That is enough for me right now. I am going through all the emotions of grief and they are horrible. I am thinking of all the stupid things I have done in my life and the time I have wasted on petty feelings and unforgiveness. My really only concern is my two precious children. One is thirteen and one is three. My three year old is a "miracle" baby and I just keep wondering why God would give me this miracle and then three years later I get cancer. People keep telling me this is a test of my Faith and I need to find that strength that I have somewhere inside me. I am getting closer to accepting this, but it is coming slowly. I am scared..... I am not scared of death, I am just scared of the chemo and possibly being taken away from my children. I am scared of them having to watch me go through this. I am scared of them being without me. I am still in schock. My life will never be the same. I am going to persevere and do whatever it is I have to do to make it. I am strong and I have a wonderful family and prayer brothers and sisters on my side praying for me. It is just so strange how something like this makes you see things so differently. Life is so fragile. I am a healthy looking 39 year old woman with a wonderful husband and healthy kids. My husband and kids need me. I will be writing more later............I am in tears. Please pray for my kids...........