First of all, I want to say that this is the last thing I am going to write about cancer. I am looking forward to moving ahead and not let this define the rest of my life. So, thank you all that have sent me messages. You will never know how much each one meant to me. My hope is that whomever reads this will be encouraged to go get a mammogram and do self examinations. This is so important. Not just for women, but men as well. Mine prolonged, if not, saved my life. I am so grateful that I did a self exam and followed my instincts!! I love each of you.
Six months ago I was just a normal stay at home Mom raising my children and taking care of them and my husband. I never could have imagined my life would have taken this course and venture off into breast cancer, but that was God's plan all along for me. But, something six months ago was tapping into my intuition. I knew there was something wrong with me because I had a sore spot on the top of my left breast that three doctors told me they couldn't feel, or see, or find. They thought I was crazy.(Ok, they didn't say I was crazy, but when you are on the table telling them that something is there and they are saying no it is not, I am sure that is what they were thinking.) Everytime I would go back to my primary gynecologist and tell him what the "specialist" had said about the spot he would just say, "Kristi, I can send you somewhere else if you want. But, what are you going to do if they tell you they don't feel anything either?" I told him I would keep going until I felt at ease with it and he said "Okay, then I will send you somewhere else." That next doctor (one of the angels on my journey) told me she saw something on the sonogram, but it was nothing to worry about. "Come back in three months and I will check it again". So, during that next three months of waiting to have it checked again is when I found the OTHER lump that was cancer. The other lump: I hate that lump. That sucker didn't even show up on a mammogram or sonogram four months before the day I found it and it was 3cm! But, God gave me that other little spot that actually WAS nothing, to lead me to the bigger one that was evidently growing faster than a speeding bullet. So, my primary gynecologist told a member of my family later that "Kristi had a premonition that something was wrong. She kept on searching for an answer and I believe that the Holy Spirit lead her." Amen doctor! Thank you for that doctor!!(another angel)
So, the first thing that cancer has taught me above ALL else is to trust my intuition. As women we are given this intuition and we have to listen to that little voice in our heads that tells us about ANY situaiton that something is just not right! I have learned that as human beings we are not guranteed anything in life. This world is full of evil and diseases and the innocent are attacked daily by them. The only thing we are truly guranteed to happen is that we will die someday. My first thougt when I was told about the cancer was, "Am I going to die?" That is a strange thing to ask yourself when it is really evident that it could really happen. To know that you really may be looking at the end is so strange. I have desribed it to ,as what I think it would feel like, if someone were holding a loaded gun to your head. The first thing is my children that I think about. I did NOT want to leave them in this world without me! How could I? God had given me these two children to raise and take care of and be their Mom. No one else could ever be their Mom. No one could love them like I do. I would do anything for these two little human beings. ANYTHING. Then I thought of my wonderful husband. He was 50 years old when Cole was born! Stan needs me too. How can he raise little Cole alone. By the way, Stan has been by my side the whole time. Each treatment, each surgery, even by my side when my head was hanging over the toilet. He took wonderful care of me and I am so thankful for that. Then I thought of my parents. I did not want them to have to bury a child. That is not the normal order of things. I then thought of my precious sister. I didn't want to leave her alone in this world without a big sis and someone to help her take care of Mom and Dad one day. I want to grown old with her and have grandbabies together! But, it all went back to my own children. My babies. And so, that is where the whole chemo thing enters.
When I am told that I have to do this dreaded step I think, "Okay, the only way I am guranteed a longer time with these babies is to do this poision." So, I do the chemo and the only way I am able to get through it is by telling myself this one thing. And that is, "You have to tell yourself, Kristi, you are taking it for your kids. As a Mom I would fight off a lion or ANYTHING that was trying to harm them, so, this cancer lump is trying to take their Mother away and I am going to have to fight it off with chemo. It is all for them." And it was for them.
I remember a week after my double masectomies when I basically was walking around in a fog, I was so terrified of this chemo stuff. I didn't know my stage of my cancer yet because we hadn't got the pathology report back. This was the worst time of the whole journey. NOT KNOWING! I remember falling to my knees with drain tubes hanging all around my chest asking God to just let me be okay and crying out to Him and my Dad came in the room. He didn't say a word. He just got on his knees too and listened to me with his big strong arm around me. He had tears in his eyes and he told me that I had to do this. That my children need me to do this. He promised he would be there every step of the way doing whatever I needed. And he was. That week was the darkest time of my life. Waiting for that dang pathology report to come back was the absolutle worst. The devil put all sort of scenarios in my head. I know what it is like to literally lay in bed and tremble from fear. I also learned what it is like to go back to that time in your life when you were a little child and you would be upset or hurt and all you wanted or needed to make it better was your Mom. My Mom never left my side that dark week. She slept in the floor beside me or next to me in my bed. Some nights the only way I was able to face the fear was to lay there and hold her hand while we slept. We never talked about the fear, but she knew. I knew she brought me into the world and for some strange reason that is why I felt at peace with her with me. I wanted to be next to the person that gave me life. She was the reason I survived that week.
Chemo is a strange thing. It is nothing like you see in the movies or on t.v. It is "doable" as my oncologist told me, but it will shake you to your inner core. And it did. I have a whole new comraderie with anyone that has endured it. You are instantly connected with people that have done it. You don't even have to know their name. You just have to know they went through it and you are bonded for life. I have met some amazing women and men on this journey that I am so grateful for in the chemo lab. So, after my last treatment I am rejoicing. I am on my knees once again thanking God for letting me survive it. I realize when I am praying to Him that I am in the same spot of my bedroom where I was that day I was crying saying I couldn't do it when my Dad came in. I realize I had come full circle. I realize that God took care of me. He delivered me from the poison.
Another thing I have learned is that, it is easy to find yourself when there's nothing else standing in the way. This is a lonely disease at times. Lots of times. You are by yourself alot. In tests, operating rooms, doc offices, etc. There are lots of places my Stan was not allowed to go in with me at. You find out quickly what you are made of. And in the begining I was a lost, upset, confused nut! I went through all the grieving stages. I had to grieve the loss of my health. You look at your options and you move on. You don't ever get over it, you just get used to it. I have learned in those lonely times that I am so gratfeul that I know Jesus Christ. He has been there in those lonely times. He was with me in the operating room and on those tables having things scanned. I am so thankful that He is my friend and I have a relationship with him. He was there when I was crying out to God to take it out of my body. He delivered my message. He has sent so many angels to me along the way.
I have also learned a lot about friendship. Real friendship. I have made some wonderful friends with this disease. Lifelong friends. I have rekindled old childhood friendships that mean the world to me. One of my friends that came to see me after my surgery during that darkest week told me that, "Kristi, you don't know it yet, but one day soon you will be thankful for this cancer." I remember thinking she must be taking some of my morophine! How could anybody EVER be thankful for cancer??? I understand now what she meant. She had been through cancer too. I am now thankful for it. I would not have the relationship with Christ that I do, without it. I would not have the relationship with Stan that I do, without it. I would not cherish EVERY single moment with my kids like I do now, without it. I would not understand that no matter how old you are you still need your parents, without it. I would not understand how much I want to grow old with my sister, without it.
The day I was diagnosed I was just one of 192,370 females that were diagnosed in 2009 with breast cancer. One thousand nine hundred ten men were diagnosed this year. Approximately 40,000 women will die this year from breast cancer as will 440 men. I don't know why I was chosen. I am a healthy girl. I don't smoke or drink. My cancer was not genetic. The good news is that early detection and new treatments have improved survival rates. The 5-year survival rate for women diagnosed is 80%. About 88% of women diagnosed will survive at least 10 years. Those are encouraging statistics!
The thought of death will never leave my mind. It is in there always just kind of floating around. I know I am a saved child of God and I know I am going to Heaven because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, but that thought is still there of the unknown and the fear of leaving my family. Nothing can take it away. But, Jesus Christ is there to help me refocus those negative thoughts always. After all, I am His. No one elses. He planned my life a long time ago. He already knows what is going to happen, so I just have to trust Him and His will. I still have my days of anger and uncertatinty, but I have also been shown by my redeemer that He is faithful. He is the King. He is in control, not me. So, now we just move forward and keep praying for it to NOT ever come back. People keep telling me that I am strong. I find that unsettling somewhat. I am just doing what every other Mother I know would do. And that is fight, fight, fight to protect your little ones! So, life goes on. I love each of you that read this. Even if I don't know you have been reading it, I love you. You prayer warriors have kept my spirits up. Look for the blessings He gives you everyday. Love your family like it is your last day with them.
Blessings to you all, kristi ( a wife, mother, step-mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, friend and now, proud to say, a SURVIVOR!!!)
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