MD ANDERSON

Well, Stan and I survived 4 full long days at MDA. The first night we arrived we checked into our hotel, which was very nice and connected to MDA. When we pulled up for the valet to park my car, for a split second I had to remind myself we were not on a vacation. We were at a medical center. The hotel is connected to MDA by a skybridge so we were able to go to all appointments without even going outside. So convenient and so very nice. But, I have to admit, the first night as we were roaming around this massive place trying to figure out where we were supposed to be at seven a.m. the next morning, I was crying wanting to go home. Stan said absolutley not! We found a security gaurd that actually left his post to take us up to where we were supposed to be bright and early. Thank you Mr. Security gaurd! God bless him. So, the next morning we wake up and start walking to my new breast cancer doctor, Dr. Valero's office, at 6:30 a.m. At 7:00 am we are all checked in and see Dr. Valero at 8:00. Hardly any waiting. The waiting room of the breast cancer wing can be described as an airport terminal waiting area. It's massive. Filled with couches, recliners, fish tanks, waterfalls, sculptures, etc. very peaceful and very relaxing. As I am sitting in the waiting area with about 75 other women I notice that almost all them look my age or younger! What is happening to this generation with breast cancer????? I get called back to a room and put on a gown and the first thing the RN says when she walks in is "Oh, my! You are just a baby!" Then Dr. Valero comes in. Very distinguished gentlemen. His accent sounds like he is from Columbia. He has already been studying my reports and consulting with my other oncologist from home and knows all about me. I was impressed. He basically tells us that the treatments I was originally given didn't work. He said he would have given me the exact same treatments had he treated me first. But, some people's bodies and cancers just respond differently. Basically, cancer can do whatever it wants to. So, he wants to hit it hard with a very aggressive approach and try to shrink tumor and then have a liver oncologist surgeon then remove it. Then more chemo. So, we set up to see the liver onc the next day. But, in the mean time we are going to be doing lots of scanning and bloodwork over the next two days.So, we go back out and wait and they give me my schedule of where I am to be and what time. I am stuck so many times over the next two days and scanned everything. It was fast and furious. One of my scans was scheduled for 8:40 p.m. the second night. So, we go to the wing where everyone is waiting to get scanned and that is when I start seeing people that are so sick and frail. I even saw a little boy about my Cole's age pulling around an i.v. pump. Just heartbreaking. But, I also saw lots and lots of LOVE everywhere!! The night scan apt. was my hardest one. We get there on time and after I check in I see Stan sitting in a chair on the phone and can tell something is wrong by the look on his face. I realize he is talking to my Dad. There are probably 100 people in this room and I go "Oh No! What's wrong?" He tells me that my Allie has been taken to the e.r. in Abilene during a basketball game due to asthma attack! "OH Jesus!" is all I can think. I go over in the corner and talk to my Dad on the phone and he assures me she is okay. Her Dad, Jeff, is there with her and my Mom is too. My Dad has Cole in the waiting room. I cry my eyes out. I go sit down and this woman who is sitting across from me hands me a book. She says , "I just feel lead to give you this." She is crying too. I just open it up to the middle and the first thing I see is this: "We live through the dark by what we learned in the light." WOW! She definately was an angel. God bless her. Allie gets better and is released and I don't get back to my scan until 10:00 p.m. I am able to be still and stay in the machine for 30 minutes. That was a tough day. I find out when I get back to Abilene that my sister was at the e.r. too with Allie and outside the e.r. talking to a pastor that one of her friends had call her. He prayed for me for 30 minutes over the phone to Amy. So, prayer was working. God bless you pastor Hailey! I don't even know you. When we head back to our hotel room via the skybridge(which is about a 10 minute walk) I am exhausted. My Stan pushes me in a wheelchair all the way back. We go to bed and prepare to meet the liver oncologist the next morning. Well, the liver doctor's name is Dr. Curly. So, I was rather curious to see what he looked like. He was a normal looking man and came in with three assistants. He shows me my liver scan from the night before and shows me the spot that is cancer. He says that it is less than one inch in diameter and it is in a perfect place for removal. He explained that had it been close to a vein in my liver he would not have been able to remove it. So, that is the first good news I have gotten in two weeks! I can breath again. So, we decide to do three rounds of chemo in Abilene then go back to MDA and they will scan me and see if it is shrinking and make sure nothing else has popped up. If all looks good I will come home and do one more round of chemo. Then rest my body for a month and go back to MDA for the surgery. I will be in the hospital anywhere from 5-7 days. So, now I have a plan! I do so much better with a plan. kind of. We have one more apt. the next day back with Dr. Valero to finalize everything and then I get to go home! At the last apt. with Dr. Valero he tells me the chemos I will do and also tells me that my blood work showed NO cancer cells in my blood! Another piece of good news. Tumor markers are still elevated, but no cancer cells in blood. Remember tumor markers are just vapors that stupid tumor is giving off. One afternoon while we were waiting Stan and I find the chapel. It is so beautiful. Stained glass, prayer benches and so quiet. I was so impressed at how many nurses were in there praying! It gave me such a comfort that these nurses would take time out to come in and pray. It really was peaceful there. So, we head back home and it is a long long drive............Get home at 1:00 a.m. and go to bed. I wake up at 7:00a.m. and head over to my Mom's to see Cole. This is the first time I have ver been away from him. I go in and he is sleeping. I lay by him and just stare at him. I whisper to him as I rub his little forehead "Cole, it's Mommy." and he says without opening his eyes, "mommy," Then he said "where's Mimi?" So blessed that he made it through those days so easy. He got really attached to his MiMi who is the biggest angel in my life. God bless her. I wouldn't leave him anywhere else. So, now we head in Wed. for the big chemo plan. One of my chemos is known as the Red devil. So, please please pray for me to tolerate this. I had to quit googling it because I was making myself sick just reading about it. So, I am just gonna get through it somehow. People do it everyday. I will update in a couple of weeks. I love each of you. I can't explain how much the prayers mean and I feel them all the time. I had so many wonderful encounters with people at MDA that I am certain were angels in disguise that I know God put in my path. So, now we prepare for the battle ahead. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. But, at least I can do it here at home and I am so grateful for my family.

Round two

May 21 was supposed to be my two year cancer free birthday! Didn't quite get there. On Wednesday, May 18, 2011 at 3:45 p.m. my oncologist confirmed that my cancer had come back. This was a blow to me and all those in my family. I knew he was going to tell me that though. I just knew. Three weeks before I had gone in for my three month bloodwork. They monitor my blood and use things they call tumor markers to try and see if there is cancer somewhere in the body. Tumor markers are basically vapors that cancer cells give off in the blood. Tumor marker tests are notorious for false positives because lots of things can elevate them besides cancer. But, once you've had cancer, like me, they are a tool they use to monitor. When I went in for the results of my bloodtests three weeks ago I went by myself. For some stupid reason I went alone. Stan has always gone with me, but I just told him I would go. I was not expecting anything because I feel better than I ever have. I had been doing my stairclimber twice a day for about 25 minutes each and had been full of energy. So, I go in and the doctor comes in and says that my tumor markers are a "little" elevated. Anything over 37 is considered elevated and mine were 47. I totally panicked! Didn't hear anything else he said except that he sees this all the time and it is nothing. So,he says he will check again in a month and see if they have changed. So, when I get home and tell Stan I have a hard time remembering everything he said. Stan and I decide to make another apt. the next week and for Stan to go in and have the doctor explain what these tumor markers are. so, the next week we go in and my precious doctor agrees to go ahead and redo them that day because I told him there is NO WAY I can wait a month! Well, praise God I listened to my intuition and have a doctor that is so compassionate! The next day we find out they are now at 79. I completely fall apart. My doctor calls me and tells me that this doesn't necessarily mean it is back, but we will do a PETSCAN to see if there is anything going on. I'm thinking how in the world am I gonna do a PETSCAN!! I couldn't even do an MRI and almost broke the machine trying to get out when this all started! So, we schedule the PETSCAN and wait. Waiting is so paralyizing. I couldn't eat. I couldn't look at my children without crying. I was a wreck. I just kept thinking how do people live like this? So, here at my oncologist office they don't have a PETSCAN machine. It comes in every Monday on a big truck. So, that Sunday night Stan and I go and look at the tractor trailer behind the Texas Oncology. I am trying to figure out what kind of machine they have. There are several different types and I wanted to be prepared. Well, we couldn't figure it out. The next morning my amazing, wonderful, angel husband goes up there at 7:00 a.m. and knocks on the tractor trailer door. The guy opens and lets him come in. (those of you that know Stan are not surprised by this at all ha) Stan took pictures of the machine and brought them to me. I knew I could do it then. I knew what to expect. so, that afternoon I do the PETSCAN. I know it is only by the power of prayer and the mercy of my Lord that I was able to do it. It didn't bother me at all. Thank you Jesus. Then we go in on and doctor tells me there is a little spot on my liver. It is 1 1/2 cm. And I will have to do a liver biopsy. Okay. So, two days later we go to the hospital. The doctor says it's so close to me lung that he may not be able to get to it. But, once again, I get through that. It is a catscan guided biopsy so they have to have me go in and out of a CT machine and then stick me in the ribs to get the biopsy. It took about 30 minutes. Thanks to my wonderful nurses I made it through that too. I had to stay at hospital most of day and lay on my side to make sure I had no bleeding and they had to monitor my blood counts. So, that evening I went home. And on May 18th my doctor told me what I already knew in my heart. It was cancer. Now the first time they tell you you have cancer it's like running into a brick wall. But, the second time it's like total schock and you feel so defeated in your fight. We decide to go to MDAnderson to an oncologist that specializes in livers. So, we are headed there this coming Monday. I have no idea what's in store for me there. But, I am gonna do whatever I have to do to get this OUT! The hardest part is going to be having to be away from my children. But I am so grateful I have loving parents and my sister and her family that love my kids as their own and they will be taken care of while Stan and I go back into the ring with the heavy weight champion of the world. We have no idea what to expect, but I finally accepted a peace from God two days ago and I intend on keeping it. I have friends suffering with this disease right now way worse than me and I am just trying to live each day the best I can. I will fight this monster! I want to ask that when you pray you pray specifically for my children, Stan , Mom, dad, and my sister. Pray for peace that no matter what we trust God. I don't know why it came back. I love each of you that reads this. I will blog again after I see doctors at MDA next week. much love, kristi STILL A SURVIVOR!

The Days of My Lives!!

OH! Well, I got the mediport out of my body today! This is so exciting! Although I have to admit it did make the whole process of getting injected with stuff easier than an i.v. But, I am glad it is gone! I pray and hope I NEVER have to have another! But, as always, with me going to the operating room there is always a story and adventure behind it. So, here it goes. Since I have absolutley no patience when it comes to these things I made sure my appointment was scheduled enough ahead of time that I would be the first patient of the day! If you have had the luxury of having to have surgery,(ha), then you know that waiting for your turn can sometimes be a LONG wait and make for a LONG day! So, being the "first patient of the day" is like being "employee of the month!" So, since I have gotten to be really good friends with the scheduler I was first! But, that meant I had to be at the hospital at 5:15 a.m. Which, also meant, I had to get up at 4:30!!! My sweet dear old Dad was kind enough to come over promptly at 4:55 a.m. to stay with Cole so Stan and I could go to the hospital. Thanks Dad!
WEll, needless to say, I am tired and nervous on the drive there. I have done surgery now ten times, but I still get nervous. The hospital I went to is under construction and nothing is where it used to be. So, we get to go through the maze and detours as we aimlessly walk our way to day surgery. And since I am first, we only have to wait like 5 minutes until they call me back. So, I get called back and am actually in a hospital room. My sweet nurse, whom I have had two times before, comes in and we remember each other. She gives me my gorgeous gown and tells me to get dressed in it and lay down and she will be back in a few minutes. So, I get dressed in the lovely gown and lay down in the crispy, clean hospital bed. Stan automatically turns on FOX news and reclines in the recliner. Then the sweet nurse comes back. Hooks me up to an i.v. in my hand and gives me all the itenerarry of my day and leaves. Then a big old guy named Rueben comes and wheels me down to the "make shift" o.r. (remember: everything is temporary because they are renevating the whole hospital) I am always intrigued at how they can wheel you down the halls and elevators in that big ol bed and not hit anything! He takes me in a room that is full of all kinds of metal and surgical looking equipment and tells me good luck and leaves. Now, since I am first, I am the ONLY person in this cold, huge, metal room! There is not even a nurse in here! I am alone looking around and eventually one by one other people get wheeled in wearing their lovely gowns and shower caps. We all look the same. Scared! Then someone comes and talks to me about anesthesia! He actually is not the anesthesiologist, but his assistant. He asks me all the required questions and I answer. He asks if the doctor told me if I was going all the way under. I said I hope so!! I told him to please make sure I stayed asleep during the operaiton. I woke up a couple of weeks ago during my colonoscopy!!! (which is a whole other story) He looked surprised and said he promised he would keep me under. Yep, woke right up during the colonoscopy. It was like the twilight zone. If you have had one, then you can just imagine what that would be like. Freaked me out and everyone in the room!!Only me!
So, now my surgeon comes and gets me and the Dr. Feelgood gives me that wonderful shot in my i.v. and here we go to la la land. I wake up after it's all done and I am fine. But, there is a medicine bottle on my chest with something in it! It is my mediport! Good grief people! It was nasty! I asked the nurse if I was supposed to keep it and she looked at me like, oh no, and said "no" and grabbed it. It was left there by accident. As I am being wheeled back to my family I am overcome by emotion and just bawling. It is a mixture of the anesthesia, morphine and just relief that it is over. The first people I see are my little niece Gracie and my precious son Cole. Beautiful sight. Then my sis, mom and Dad and Stan. I stay about another hour and then I am released home and go straight back to bed. One more thing on my cancer survival checklist. I did meet an angel in the o.r. She was waiting for surgery too. We were across from one another. She was younger than me and was having surgery on her back. She was paralyzed from the chest down due to a car accident. I was humbled listening to her talk. I am so blessed to be where I am. I am grateful for every breath. I am grateful I am not paralyzed. I am grateful I woke up from anesthesia when I was supposed to. I am grateful for my husband and family that are ALWAYS there no matter what time it is. Thank you Jesus for your mercy you have given me. I love everyone who reads this.

Grateful for Pink!

Today as I watch the life of Elizabeth Edwards on t.v. (who passed away yesterday from breast cancer) I am reminded once again of my own mortality. Cancer seems like it is just everywhere I turn. One of my best friends lost her Dad yesterday to this horrible thing and I have lost 6 people in the last year that I have come to know on my journey. It is a frigntening thing if you let it be. But, I try everyday to block it out and just embrace my good fortune. October was a tough month for me. It was breast cancer awareness month and everywhere I WENT there was pink pink pink. There was even a pink ribbon on the butter I bought at the grocery store. I could not escape the pink. Although I am so grateful for what the pink ribbon stands for I just was glad when it was over. Does that sound strange? I don't know. I am just being honest. I also have been thinking a lot lately about my Mema who died from breast cancer in 1984. I was in the 8th grade at the time. That age for a girl is a tough one. I was just blossoming as a woman and thought the world revolved around me. I knew my Mema had breast cancer, but she kept it really private and I didn't know much about what she was going through. I just knew she was sick. Oh how I wish I could tell her I am sorry for not being more sympathetic as a preteen. My Mom tells me that she didn't want anyone to know. No one talked about the breast cancer back then. It was a hush hush thing. My Mema had no pink ribbons. She had no support group or breast cancer walk to participate in. They did not exist. She didn't have a list of phone numbers of other women she could call with this disease day or night. I suspect she felt really alone. There was no anti nauseau medicine for her. She had to endure the side effects of chemo on her own. There were no alternative therapies like Herceptin that I had. There was no reconstruction surgeries. She told my Mom that she would start getting sick on her way to her chemo treatment just thinking about it. So, I realize how selfish I am about letting the pink ribbons upset me. They should remind me how far we have come in treating this horrible thing. They should remind me that I should be grateful I have the opportunites with my treatments that I had. They remind me now of a beautiful woman named Mamie Ophelia who endured this horrilbe journey on her own and with nothing more than her own strength and the strength of her family. So, thank you Mema! Thank you Elizabeth! Thank you Susan G.!Thank you to all those that have gone on after battling this thing. You have made the path easier for the rest of us. I am now grateful for my butter with the pink ribbon :) I love everyone who reads this.

365 days !! And I am shiney!!

Hey friends and loved ones,

Well, today has been one year since my world got turned upside down. But, I am doing so very well! I went back today and read my first blog entry. I have never done that until today. I am such a different person today than I was that day. Thank you Jesus for precious time...........I was telling Stan the other day that I don't even remember last summer. I spent the summer in hospitals, chemo labs and doctor's offices. So, to go outside today and feel the sun, swing my Cole, go watch my Allie play basketball is just so precious to me. But, life has gone on. AS it should. Finished chemo in October and my body is still recovering from that, but I feel better and stronger everyday I wake up. I am still getting weekly infusions at the chemo lab of a medicine called Herceptin. (not chemo) I will do this until July and then I WILL BE DONE. My blood counts are still low, but that is to be expected, so I am still a germophobe and always will be. I have to be so careful. I know that my body could not handle any sickness very well. I learned how damaged my body really is when we went to Sea World last week. Goodness! Six hours of walking was really hard on me. I couldn't figure out why I felt like I had been in some kind of accident the next morning when I woke up! When I asked my oncologist, he said it was damage from the chemo. But, God made our bodies to repelenish themselves and I can tell mine is rebuilding all the things that got destroyed. Hopefully just the good things, right? So, I have one year behind me! Four more to go and then my chances of it coming back go way down. I will be having scans done in July. So, pray for those to be clear. I think once I quit having to go weekly to the chemo lab and seeing my oncologist every three weeks and getting blood work constantly, I will be able to move beyond this a little better. It is hard seeing people in there that started when you did and you know that their chemo is not working. Some have passed away and that is hard too. But, God has showed up so many times in there and I have made lifetime friendships with some amazing people. My kids are all good! Cole is just precious! We were in the car the other day and I looked in the mirror as us girls do and I said ,"Oh, I look horrible today." Cole said,"Mommy, no you don't. I think you look very shiney!" awwwww. That was the sweetest thing! I teared up! My girls are blossoming into beautiful teenagers and our little Cole turned four years old! He keeps me going. We made it through Cole's first soccer season. Looking forward to a layed back summer. My Allie starts High School next year! My Hannah made cheerleader, so she will be busy with that all that next year as an eighth grader. Stan is still my rock. He is the most positive person I have ever known and he swings me back to reality when I let fear take over and reminds me that we are taking all this one day at a time. I know that it has been hard on him, but he would never let me know that. My parents and sister and Sammy are still my biggest supporters as well. I love you all so much family. On Mother's Day we all played wiffle ball as a family with all our kids. I was so so so thankful I was able to do that. My hair is coming back and is almost in enough where I can quit wearing wigs and bandanas, but not quite yet. It is very unruly. I take pictures so I won't ever forget. Once again, I am grateful. Grateful is really not a good enough word to describe what I feel. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am thankful for all my friends and family. People keep telling me how strong I am. But, if you only knew, I am weak. It is my God that is strong!! All I know is that I am alive today! I am stronger today! I am closer to God today! And I don't take one breath for granted. Staying strong, staying in my Bible, and staying positive! kristi

Coming back from the Dead and synthetic hair!

Well, I am still alive. I know it has been awhile since I have written, but I have been getting back into the routine of life with kids, schedules and family. Life goes on, just as it should. My girls are consumed with basketball, volleyball and cheer and my little boy starts is first soccer practice next week! He is 3 1/2 and he is sooooo excited! He has been sleeping in his soccer uniform the past two nights. I can't tell you the wonderful feeling I get of being able to go in the yard and kick a soccer ball to him! I am so thankful for that. I get stronger everyday and my body is healing both physically and spiritually. And, my hair is growing back! Oh girls! It looks awful! It is black and white!! It is coming back straight and sticks straight up! Of course, I keep it covered, but I am just glad it is growing back and fast. I finally found me a wig. I swore at the beginning of this I wouldn't wear one, but I found one that I like. I am tired of the bandanas and all the stares in public. I don't feel like people looking at me anymore and wondering why I am wearing that on my head. "Is she sick? Is she having a midlife crisis? Did she park her Harley outside? " LOL So, now I am enjoying freaking out those that do know me with my new synthetic hair! Stan and my kids love it. It took Cole a little getting used to, but he came around. And it is the same color my hair was and looks fairly much the same as my hair did. The first day I wore it I went to the drive thru car wash and the teenage boy that always takes my money said, "I have never seen you with your hair down." Poor guy. I guess he was one of the ones that thought I had just been wearing that bandana to look cool. I start explaining to him that it is a wig and go through the story. He touches my hair and I can tell he doesn't know what to say. I then start wondering why I even have to explain this. Then later that night Stan and I are in Academy and the girl checking us out goes "You have GREAT hair!" ahhhhhhhh.......so sweet. Stan and I look at each other and smile. Stan is looking at me like 'is she going to explaine it?' But, I just smile at her and say, "Thanks, hon. you're sweet." Sunday morning was the best. I wear it to my small group and forgot that some of these people have never seen me with hair before! Lots of laughs. So, I now have hair! But, I am extremely flammable!
My family is doing great! Everyone is getting back into the groove of life after this illness. I still have to go through reconstruction and am still doing my weekly infusions of Herceptin, but I am good. Herceptin doesn't bother me at all. It is just time consuming having to go the chemo lab to get "infused" every Monday, but July will be the end of that. Had a heart test to see of this medicine had damaged anything and that was all good. Answered prayer. Thanks for all your prayers. Keep them coming! Love everyboy and thank God every morning for giving you another day with your family. Blessings, kristi

What I've Learned

First of all, I want to say that this is the last thing I am going to write about cancer. I am looking forward to moving ahead and not let this define the rest of my life. So, thank you all that have sent me messages. You will never know how much each one meant to me. My hope is that whomever reads this will be encouraged to go get a mammogram and do self examinations. This is so important. Not just for women, but men as well. Mine prolonged, if not, saved my life. I am so grateful that I did a self exam and followed my instincts!! I love each of you.
Six months ago I was just a normal stay at home Mom raising my children and taking care of them and my husband. I never could have imagined my life would have taken this course and venture off into breast cancer, but that was God's plan all along for me. But, something six months ago was tapping into my intuition. I knew there was something wrong with me because I had a sore spot on the top of my left breast that three doctors told me they couldn't feel, or see, or find. They thought I was crazy.(Ok, they didn't say I was crazy, but when you are on the table telling them that something is there and they are saying no it is not, I am sure that is what they were thinking.) Everytime I would go back to my primary gynecologist and tell him what the "specialist" had said about the spot he would just say, "Kristi, I can send you somewhere else if you want. But, what are you going to do if they tell you they don't feel anything either?" I told him I would keep going until I felt at ease with it and he said "Okay, then I will send you somewhere else." That next doctor (one of the angels on my journey) told me she saw something on the sonogram, but it was nothing to worry about. "Come back in three months and I will check it again". So, during that next three months of waiting to have it checked again is when I found the OTHER lump that was cancer. The other lump: I hate that lump. That sucker didn't even show up on a mammogram or sonogram four months before the day I found it and it was 3cm! But, God gave me that other little spot that actually WAS nothing, to lead me to the bigger one that was evidently growing faster than a speeding bullet. So, my primary gynecologist told a member of my family later that "Kristi had a premonition that something was wrong. She kept on searching for an answer and I believe that the Holy Spirit lead her." Amen doctor! Thank you for that doctor!!(another angel)

So, the first thing that cancer has taught me above ALL else is to trust my intuition. As women we are given this intuition and we have to listen to that little voice in our heads that tells us about ANY situaiton that something is just not right! I have learned that as human beings we are not guranteed anything in life. This world is full of evil and diseases and the innocent are attacked daily by them. The only thing we are truly guranteed to happen is that we will die someday. My first thougt when I was told about the cancer was, "Am I going to die?" That is a strange thing to ask yourself when it is really evident that it could really happen. To know that you really may be looking at the end is so strange. I have desribed it to ,as what I think it would feel like, if someone were holding a loaded gun to your head. The first thing is my children that I think about. I did NOT want to leave them in this world without me! How could I? God had given me these two children to raise and take care of and be their Mom. No one else could ever be their Mom. No one could love them like I do. I would do anything for these two little human beings. ANYTHING. Then I thought of my wonderful husband. He was 50 years old when Cole was born! Stan needs me too. How can he raise little Cole alone. By the way, Stan has been by my side the whole time. Each treatment, each surgery, even by my side when my head was hanging over the toilet. He took wonderful care of me and I am so thankful for that. Then I thought of my parents. I did not want them to have to bury a child. That is not the normal order of things. I then thought of my precious sister. I didn't want to leave her alone in this world without a big sis and someone to help her take care of Mom and Dad one day. I want to grown old with her and have grandbabies together! But, it all went back to my own children. My babies. And so, that is where the whole chemo thing enters.

When I am told that I have to do this dreaded step I think, "Okay, the only way I am guranteed a longer time with these babies is to do this poision." So, I do the chemo and the only way I am able to get through it is by telling myself this one thing. And that is, "You have to tell yourself, Kristi, you are taking it for your kids. As a Mom I would fight off a lion or ANYTHING that was trying to harm them, so, this cancer lump is trying to take their Mother away and I am going to have to fight it off with chemo. It is all for them." And it was for them.

I remember a week after my double masectomies when I basically was walking around in a fog, I was so terrified of this chemo stuff. I didn't know my stage of my cancer yet because we hadn't got the pathology report back. This was the worst time of the whole journey. NOT KNOWING! I remember falling to my knees with drain tubes hanging all around my chest asking God to just let me be okay and crying out to Him and my Dad came in the room. He didn't say a word. He just got on his knees too and listened to me with his big strong arm around me. He had tears in his eyes and he told me that I had to do this. That my children need me to do this. He promised he would be there every step of the way doing whatever I needed. And he was. That week was the darkest time of my life. Waiting for that dang pathology report to come back was the absolutle worst. The devil put all sort of scenarios in my head. I know what it is like to literally lay in bed and tremble from fear. I also learned what it is like to go back to that time in your life when you were a little child and you would be upset or hurt and all you wanted or needed to make it better was your Mom. My Mom never left my side that dark week. She slept in the floor beside me or next to me in my bed. Some nights the only way I was able to face the fear was to lay there and hold her hand while we slept. We never talked about the fear, but she knew. I knew she brought me into the world and for some strange reason that is why I felt at peace with her with me. I wanted to be next to the person that gave me life. She was the reason I survived that week.


Chemo is a strange thing. It is nothing like you see in the movies or on t.v. It is "doable" as my oncologist told me, but it will shake you to your inner core. And it did. I have a whole new comraderie with anyone that has endured it. You are instantly connected with people that have done it. You don't even have to know their name. You just have to know they went through it and you are bonded for life. I have met some amazing women and men on this journey that I am so grateful for in the chemo lab. So, after my last treatment I am rejoicing. I am on my knees once again thanking God for letting me survive it. I realize when I am praying to Him that I am in the same spot of my bedroom where I was that day I was crying saying I couldn't do it when my Dad came in. I realize I had come full circle. I realize that God took care of me. He delivered me from the poison.

Another thing I have learned is that, it is easy to find yourself when there's nothing else standing in the way. This is a lonely disease at times. Lots of times. You are by yourself alot. In tests, operating rooms, doc offices, etc. There are lots of places my Stan was not allowed to go in with me at. You find out quickly what you are made of. And in the begining I was a lost, upset, confused nut! I went through all the grieving stages. I had to grieve the loss of my health. You look at your options and you move on. You don't ever get over it, you just get used to it. I have learned in those lonely times that I am so gratfeul that I know Jesus Christ. He has been there in those lonely times. He was with me in the operating room and on those tables having things scanned. I am so thankful that He is my friend and I have a relationship with him. He was there when I was crying out to God to take it out of my body. He delivered my message. He has sent so many angels to me along the way.

I have also learned a lot about friendship. Real friendship. I have made some wonderful friends with this disease. Lifelong friends. I have rekindled old childhood friendships that mean the world to me. One of my friends that came to see me after my surgery during that darkest week told me that, "Kristi, you don't know it yet, but one day soon you will be thankful for this cancer." I remember thinking she must be taking some of my morophine! How could anybody EVER be thankful for cancer??? I understand now what she meant. She had been through cancer too. I am now thankful for it. I would not have the relationship with Christ that I do, without it. I would not have the relationship with Stan that I do, without it. I would not cherish EVERY single moment with my kids like I do now, without it. I would not understand that no matter how old you are you still need your parents, without it. I would not understand how much I want to grow old with my sister, without it.

The day I was diagnosed I was just one of 192,370 females that were diagnosed in 2009 with breast cancer. One thousand nine hundred ten men were diagnosed this year. Approximately 40,000 women will die this year from breast cancer as will 440 men. I don't know why I was chosen. I am a healthy girl. I don't smoke or drink. My cancer was not genetic. The good news is that early detection and new treatments have improved survival rates. The 5-year survival rate for women diagnosed is 80%. About 88% of women diagnosed will survive at least 10 years. Those are encouraging statistics!

The thought of death will never leave my mind. It is in there always just kind of floating around. I know I am a saved child of God and I know I am going to Heaven because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, but that thought is still there of the unknown and the fear of leaving my family. Nothing can take it away. But, Jesus Christ is there to help me refocus those negative thoughts always. After all, I am His. No one elses. He planned my life a long time ago. He already knows what is going to happen, so I just have to trust Him and His will. I still have my days of anger and uncertatinty, but I have also been shown by my redeemer that He is faithful. He is the King. He is in control, not me. So, now we just move forward and keep praying for it to NOT ever come back. People keep telling me that I am strong. I find that unsettling somewhat. I am just doing what every other Mother I know would do. And that is fight, fight, fight to protect your little ones! So, life goes on. I love each of you that read this. Even if I don't know you have been reading it, I love you. You prayer warriors have kept my spirits up. Look for the blessings He gives you everyday. Love your family like it is your last day with them.

Blessings to you all, kristi ( a wife, mother, step-mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, friend and now, proud to say, a SURVIVOR!!!)

Only ONE MORE TO GO!!!

I remember back in May when I first started writing about this I would always think, "I can't wait until I can title a blog that says "One more.! Well, it is finally here...........Chemo #5 knocked me down hard for a week, but I am strong today. My last treatment is October 19th at 10:00 a.m. This is so exciting. You people have no idea...........those of you that have endured it do though I know. Last Monday for #5 I really tried to stay positive. And it helped a lot. I can only do so much mentally though because you just can't fight quicksand. But, time and time again God shows up in a big way. I don't know how to explain all the things I have experienced through God these past six months. But, He is real people. And He is what it all about.I am still having wierd things happen physically to me, but it is okay. I am having lots of "chemo" brain. It is hard, but everyone is helping me and supporting me and my doc assures me this will go away......I am going to hold him to that too!!! I stay home a lot these days because of all the flu stuff going around. I took Cole , my three year old, to the park the other day for the first time since I started all this mess. Before I got sick, I used to take him everyday to the park. Anyway, he was so excited that we were going. I gathered up the strength to go and just sit in the mulch at the end of the slide. Every time he came down that slide he came over and hugged me! I cried tears of joy the whole time. Just little things like that make you realize how much you have to FIGHT when you are faced with a disease. I am just so amazed at the people I have met through breast cancer. I have a best friend that has been with me to every treatment and called me everyday to check on me. I am so glad God put her in my life when He did. I call her my fairy godmother. She always knows what I need and when I need it. And she also lets me know when I am feeling sorry for myself and gets me off the sad train! Thank you Lord for her!! So, now we just have to make it through these next few weeks. Chemo has also thrown me into the trenches of menopause which is not fun, but, extremely easy compared to all the other stuff I have done the past few months. Sometimes I glance a look at myself in the mirror as I walk by and don't recognize myself. The only thing that looks the same to me are my eyes. Although they usually have black circles under them. But, they are there. I see a journey in them that is almost over. I can't believe I have come this far! I am here to raise my kids and love my husband and take care of my parents when they get old. That is the good stuff! I have a relationship with Jesus Christ on a level that I otherwise never would have had. And for that one thing alone, I am grateful.....
I surrender all to HIM!!!! love you all!!

Two more to go!

Monday I go for chemo #5. Number 4 was the toughest yet, but today I am good. I know there are only two left, but it feels like there might as well be 20 left. But, after number five then I can say I only have one left. That will be a great feeling! I turned 40 years old a couple of days ago. That was the best birthday I have ever had! I was so glad to have it. I remember last year when I turned 39 I couldn't believe that I was almost 40. I dreaded that birthday so much, I remember thinking that. But, things have changed my friends. Cancer has taught me so much about myself that I didn't even know. And about others. My family is TOUGH! At my birthday party on Sunday I was looking around the room and realized that each one of my family members there has had to sacrifice something because of me the past few months. Whether it be they had to do without my wonderful Mom when she has been at my beck and call for the past few months or that my sickness ruined everyone's summer vacation. Especially my kids. Though they would never say that, I know what they have all given up for me. But, I also know that they wouldn't have it any other way. They love me. And that is what family is all about!! LOVE. My Stan has just been so great. That guy has put up with all my chemo crankiness, mood swings, etc. and still tells me that he loves me more now than he ever has. I am a lucky girl. So, I am trying to stay positive once again about this next treatment. As my little body continues to lose things from fingernails to hair to scattered thoughts, I just wake up every morning and remind myself what one of my new fellow survivors told me the other day and that is that "this too shall pass." And it will. I will carry this cross to the finish line in October with my eyes glued still on my Rock, Redeemer, Savior, and Friend: Jesus..........He hasn't left me yet and never will..

It is official! I am a germaphobe nut!

Well, I have felt really, really good the past three days. I have felt my old self and so as I am preparing for chemo #3 tomorrow I decided I would just write about something that happened to me over the weekend. Rather funny, I would say. so, I wake up Friday with this energy that I have not had in about 4 weeks. I have no headache, no tiredness, etc. So, I decide that me and Cole (my three year old) will go to Midland, Texas and see my husband Stan. He had only been gone one day, but I missed him and thought the trip might be a change of scenery for me. So, me and the three year old pack up and head out. Cole has just become completley potty trained the past month and I have not been on a road trip with him since this wonderful event has occured in our lives. I didn't even think twice about it. Just put him in his car seat, put in my new Rob Thomas cd and headed to the interstate. Cole slept the whole way there, which was amazing. I had two and half hours to think and listen to MY favorite songs. Not Allie or Cole's. Allie is my 13 year old, so you can imagine her favorites. Anyway, we have a nice visit with Da Da and leave to come back home the next afternoon. Short trip. But a nice one. Well, the trip home was a COMPLETLEY different experience than the one going out there to the desert. Cole sings his ABC's for a constant 20 MINUTES as we are leaving. He sings, or I should say YELLS, as loud as he can this little song over and OVER. This is not helping with the "chemo" brain I have been experiencing (which is a phenomenon within itself and no one completly understands unless you have experienced it; forgetfullness, foggy thoughts, etc.) We are on the road about 15 miles when he says, "mommy, I have to potty RIGHT NOW! hurry, hurry!" And then it hits me; He means this!! I forgot he was potty trained now! OMG! so, I am trying to explain to him how to "hold" it until we get to the next bathroom. We pull up to the next place, which is a HUGE truck stop in I-20. I park and we rush in to find the bathroom. I am carrying him on my hip and of course one of his flip flops falls off and he freaks out, "My shoe, my shoe!" So, we get that back on and head to the NASTY truck stop restroom. I always find truck stops intersting. Everyone is "going" somewhere and I always wonder where they have been, etc. (Just a little nerdiness on my part.) I notice some "biker" girls with really cute bandanas on and make a mental note to ask them where they got them. But, anyway, we get into the stall and I am trying to wipe the seat off with an antibacterial wipe of course and my Dolce/Gabbana percsription sunglasses fall of my smooth, bandana covered head into the truck stop toilet!!! Well, I am FREAKING OUT! Cole has to pea still and I am panicking about all the germs.......So, one arm of my glasses is not completly under, so I pick them out and just lay them on the floor. I get Cole on the toilet and that is that. I am waiting for him to get through and looking at these glasses on the floor. I want to throw them away SO BAD, but they were just way too expensive. Plus, my extra cheap pair are missing because I have put them up in a "safe" place and with this chemo brain thing going on can't remember where that is.. so, I decide that I have to do this. I can't see without them. Cole and I go to the lavatory sink and I notice that it has HOT water. So, after about 15 minutes of running them under the hot water and soap I put them in a paper towel and we head to the car. Of course we have to spend another 10 minutes while Cole decides what kind of snack he wants. We get to the car and I get out my bottle of germ x and just start squirting it all over my glasses. I realieze that there is a motorcycle group parked next to me on their bikes and a couple of men are looking at me like I have lost my mind. They probably thought I was in a biker group too with my zebra bandana on until I got in that suburban. Anyway, I get the glasses back on and we head back to the interstate. So, I guess I accomplished something by not throwing the glasses away, I don't know. Oh yea, we had to stop two more times for potty breaks, but after the third time I realized it was just a ploy to get another snack.! So, I am heading into tomorrow for round 3 and am glad I can laugh about this today.......I am taking my new book that a friend made me tomorrow. I am still in awe that all these people did this book for me and will write more about that later. I still can't talk about the book long without crying. It is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. HOlding on tight to each word of wisdom in the book and being so grateful! love you all, kristi

Chemo #2 and basically NO hair!

Last Monday we went for chemo #2. Lots easier getting there this time. Not so much apprehension. Stan and I went and went through the steps. Blood counts had gone back up and my medi port was in, so they assured me I was ready for round 2. Went back to the "treatment" room once again and this time picked a recliner next to the window. It was a gloomy day. Clouds were covering the sun. I am sitting there as the nurse is preparing my port with a spray that numbed it. I have to admit that this port was lots easier than an I.v. It was just like sticking a thumbtack into a bulletin board. So, the chemo is once again pumping throughout my little blood vessels. Doing God knows what to me, but I just try and focus on it killing any bad guys that are left roaming around in there. I am sitting there looking out at the gloomy sky from the window next to me. I can see the street with cars keep passing by. I wonder where those people are going? Everyone seems in such a hurry. I have driven this road everyday myself for the past few years. I have driven by this building probably a million times and never once thought I would be on this side of it looking out. But, I am grateful that I am here. I am grateful that I am fighting! Stan and my wonderful friend Stacey are there once again making me laugh. It takes about three hours and then we are done. So, we leave and I am thinking that I am not feeling just real good. Just kind of like blahhhhhhhh. I go home and go to bed for a couple of hours. It is hitting me different this time, just a little. Day two was the worst. I stayed in bed all day. But, by day four I was good.......thank you Jesus. But, the hair. Oh let me tell you, I did not realize how vain I was until the hair started coming out in clumps. This is the hardest part of the whole chemo thing so far. But, as I was washing my hair in the shower and it is falling out and swimming all around my feet a verse came to me. God gave me a Bible verse at this very moment. Matthew 10:30 "And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So, don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." And I thought, wow! That is ALOT of hairs to be numbered, but God is the only one who could number them. He is in control and knows how this is all going to end. So, after lots of tears I just got out all my little cute bandanas I had bought and wrapped one around my head. Just putting on another piece of armour. I knew this step was coming, but it is the most difficult. But, we are walking through this too. It will grow back and I am trusting God in all things. He has been faithful to me each step of this process and I am so grateful to have Jesus with me on this journey. I don't know how people do anything without Him.

Just another day in the O.R.

Today I spent another lovely morning and afternoon in the operating room. I had a medi port put inside my body which is a permanent i.v. under my skin. It is right under my collar bone and just looks like I have a quarter under my skin. This is going to be a "great" thing everyone keeps telling me. This way I won't have to ruin all my veins when I get my chemo treatments. It is a vein under my skin that is connected directly to my heart, which kind of freaked me out, but, all went well. I just feel like I have been stabbed in the chest, but it is nothing compared to the pain after the masectomies. And the pain should be gone in a day or two. So, yes, Stan and I and my parents and sister were at the hospital once again this morning. I have this drill down to a "t" now and know all the people that work there fairly well. Stan was with me until I was rolled down to the O.R. waiting area. It is always hard saying good bye at that moment.
The O.R....... This is a fun place, let me tell you. They line you up next to each other and you have to wait your turn to go into the actual operating room. So, I am by myself, lying in my bed with my beautiful hospital gown on and my "shower" cap. I would love to design some new gowns for this place. They should at least make them bright colors or something. They are "one size fits all" and mine is always not covering up what it needs to be covering because they are actually made for about a 200 lbs man. lol I am staring at the same walls as before and wondering how my life got here. But, quickly remind myself that this is just another step towards being here to watch my kids grow up. There is a little curtain between me and the other patients, but I could reach out and touch them if I wanted. I was next to a fireman (who was having some kind of surgery on his leg I gathered) and an older woman who was needing a cigarette. I could also hear a small child crying the whole time. Bless his little heart. I spent most of my hour and half wait praying for him and his mother. I have gotten pretty close to the anesthesiologist who remembered me from the last two times I was there in the past three months. He is about 75 years old and full of wonderful stories, not to mention wonderful meds!! LOL Anyway, my doctor finally shows up and asks if I have any questions. I remind her that I am not sure if I need to be doing this today since my white blood cell count is 1.7. (Low is 4, so mine is REALLY low) She is always humored at my need to tell her how to do her job and assures me that I will be FINE. The chemo is making it low. So, my Dr. Feelgood gives me the shot that makes you not care what the heck they do to you or where they take you and we head into the O.R. I have to move myself to the little metal table in my HUGE gown (and at this point don't care what is showing. ) Then they ask me to breathe through the oxygen mask. I am telling them that I don't think I can put that oxygen mask on because I am severly claustrophic and that is the last thing I remember until I wake up. I wake up in recovery next to the fireman AGAIN. He is waking up way better than me. He is smiling and sitting up and cracking jokes with the nurse. Still don't know how he did that. Anyway, I wake up with this HUGE headache and feel like I have a gunshot wound in my chest. But, soon, meds take care of all of that too and I am back in a room with my wonderful husband and Mom and sister. One more thing done on my cancer recovery check list......We walked right through that......so thankful......
I have also noticed the past three days that my hair is starting to fall out. Nothing drastic yet, just noticed hair on my pillow when I was making my bed. Also, when I swept my floors there was hair in my dust pan. so, I guess I am just shedding all around the house and don't even know it. strange. This has been the hardest part so far. It hurts, I must admit, but there is nothing I can do about it. You can't tell yet by looking at me, but it is falling. I guess I just thought I would wake up one morning and it would all be gone. Not sure what I thought. But, I can tell you that the chemo has not made me sick to my stomach AT ALL!!!!! What a blessing.........I thank God everyday for the scientist that created that medicine to prevent the nauseau and vomiting. Chemo is not easy, but it is not as hard as I thought it would be. At least not this time anyway. Could change as we go, could get better, could stay the same. No one knows. So, I am praying for it to stay the same or get better. It has made my white blood cell count very low , which makes me feel extremely tired and just not good, but that is okay.....So, I have one more week until we go for chemo #2. I am feeling fairly good and hope that next week will be a great week physically and mentally for me. I am trying so hard to stay positive, but I do have my moments where I break down. But, that is normal I am told and just something I have to feel my way through. I thank God for giving me a husband that lets me break down and then picks me up, dusts me off, and makes me keep putting one foot in front of the other. He is my rock. I am so grateful to all of you that are praying for us.............I love you all! I am good and God is good and that is all I need to know......

Chemo #1

Yesterday a 9:30 a.m. Stan and I headed up to the Texas Cancer Center for my first treatment. I was scared, but knew what I had to do. I was fully geared with my Bible, motivational books, cross in my pocket and my "lucky" flip flops that Allie had given me when I was in the hospital. I had pictures of my kids in my bag to look at as well and my phone to keep in touch while I was getting the "treatment." First, I had to go do blood tests and talk to the doctor. He tells me that my blood counts are good and my bone scans came back clear so I am ready..So ,we go back to the "room" where all this is to take place. It is strange walking in that room. All these people are sitting in, what look like some sort of recliner chairs, and they are all hooked up to i.v.s and wearing their everyday clothes. Some of the people are reading some are watching t.v. Others are sleeping and some are just sitting there. I automatically have this connection to each of them as I choose my chair. Just by our eyes meeting we are connected. It is so strange. It is like we have this bond of knowing what is going on that no one that has never done this could possibly have. I pick my "treatment" chair. My friend Stacey and Stan are with me. The nurse comes and hooks up my i.v. and is sweet, but, I can tell she has done this probalby 10,000 times. She first gives me a sedative, then some anti nauseau medicine and then we wait for the pharmacy to mix up my medicine..........AS I am waiting I am still thinking that I don't have to do this if I don't want to. I really could leave any time. But, then I get my pics out of my kids and open my bible and a peace comes over me. And I know that I am okay. Everyone else that is getting their chemo looks fairly calm. I must be the only first timer there. I am definatley the youngest. Stan and Stacey are making me laugh. Then the nurse comes with the three bags of medicine. I have to do one at a time to make sure I have no allergic reactions. This is a four hour process. So, we are in for a long day in the recliner. She starts the first. I am waiting for some kind of fire to run through out my body, but it doesn't. I am not sure why I thought this would happen. First bag goes well. I am looking at the bag reading all the warnings on it as it is dripping into my body. It says WARNING: DO NOT TOUCH CONTENTS IF BROKEN!!! I am thinking "this is what is going into my bloodstream right now." So, I get out my Bible again and quit reading the bag. The other two bags go well too. I felt nothing. I got a headache, but that was it. So, we are done and they send me on my merry way. First treatment in my body now. No turning back. What happens will happen right? They loaded me up with anti nauseau perscripts which are working. No sickness as of yet at all!!! I feel fatigued and a little irritable, but that is okay. So, we will see. I am trying not to think about it running through my body. I am just continuing to thank God for answering prayer and covering me with His feathers, which is what is happening. I am amazed. Praying for God to continue to bless all of you that are praying for us!!! love you so much

staying positive

I am trying to stay positive...........the good things that came from my first oncologist visit are these: I liked the doctor, his staff and nurses were wonderful and he said I won't be doing the "red devil" chemo..( I am glad I had never heard of this because I would have been worried about it the whole time).....but, I am doing chemo and it won't be easy, but will be doable. (is that a word?) Effects everyone differently. Oh yeah, I only have to do six rounds! The name of the chemo is carboplatin taxotere. I am thinking I can do six, right?? I will do a treatment once every three weeks. So, I should be done by Thanksgiving............good thing. I am going to have to have a port put on my body. That is okay, because that should keep them from messing up all my veins. I am also doing a drug called Herceptin once a week for a year via the port. This drug is NOT supposed to be hard. I am also going to take Tamoxifin to stop my estrogen which will probalby throw me into menopause, but hey, I can do that. I just want to be here............So, I have three, count them three, drugs that are going to be battling for me to save my life. I am thinking God that my cancer is a candidate for all three because some are not. I got my hair cut yesterday short. So, I am preparing for that. Thought it would be less drastic when it falls out if it wasn't so long. I have really thick hair. I have ordered all my little bandanas, hair scarves, so I am ready....... I have to go do bone scans, etc. tomorrow and go to "chemo school." What the heck that is I have no idea........
So, I am okay............I have a plan and those that know me well, know that I do very well with a plan...I just hope it sticks. Of course, I am completely scared out of my mind of this chemo stuff, but I have no choice. I also know that I am closer to God than I ever have been and He alone is all I need to make it through. He has put some wonderful people in my life the past three weeks that have been in my shoes and are such an inspiration to me and supporters. I am now part of a whole new sisterhood one of them told me. I love these sisters...they stick together. So, my prayer is for me to breeze through these next 18 weeks and for me not to be a burden on my family. My amazing family. Bless their hearts. I love them so much. If it wasn't for my Stan I would probably be on a plane for Mexico, but he is keeping me grounded.........Thanks to all of you prayer warriors. I pray for you everyday and know that without you I would have no strength. I love you all.

The Little Things

The doctor gave me permission yesterday to pick up Cole and carry him. I must admit, that has been the most heartbreaking part of this whole deal.........and not being able to do the things for my family that I normally do. Just the little things like packing Allie's suitcase or sweeping my kitchen floor, folding their clothes, loading my dishwasher, giving my son a bath, even washing my own hair. My Allie cat has really stepped up and been such a trooper through this whole thing. She is thirteen and has been so wonderful to me the past week. She has done things without me even having to ask. I told her the other night that I was "sorry, I haven't been able to help you with all your stuff like I normally do." and she said, "Mom, it has actually been kinda good because I have learned to do it myself!" And then I thought, you know what, I have done something right!! And my MOM. Thank you Jesus for letting me be this woman's daughter! My wonderful, beautiful mother has been by me the whole time. The first night home from surgery she slept on the floor beside me! I couldn't have anyone in the bed with me because of all the movement and I did not want to be alone. Stan had to help Cole get to sleep, so my precious Mother drags her bedding in the room and just curls up on the floor beside me. Just having her in there allowed me to go to sleep. She kept my household going as well. Laundry, feeding my family, running my daughter around, taking Cole to play, etc. I am a lucky girl.
So , I am now driving and picking up my little Cole in my arms! Something I so took for granted before has now become a luxury and privilage to me. I also want to thank my husband Stan who has been my cheerleader through the past two weeks. He has kept me focused on the positive. He refused to allow me to lay in the darkness during the day and wallow in self pity, which is what I would be prone to do. He made me get up and drage myself outside on the porch in the light. He reminded me that Satan is in the dark. God is in the light. Is attitude of gratitude has been a blessing to me and I am so glad God put him on this journey with me. The journey isn't over yet, but, I am so grateful to have such an awesome support group. I will never take any of these little things for granted again!
To everyone who reads this; girls, go get a mammogram. Boys: make your wives, moms, sisters, aunts, any female in your family go get one. Mine saved my life! or at least made it a lot longer than it would have been!!!! Do it for me!! love you all, kristi

Docotr visit : good news!!

Well, we all headed up to the doctor today at 9:00. Me, Stan, Mom, Dad and Amy and Cole and Amy's little Gracie. I was a nervous wreck......needless to say. I commented like "this must be what it feels like when you are going back to court to find out your fate from a jury." I knew my answer was on some piece of paper in that huge building I was about to walk into. I also knew that God could change it anytime He wanted. We prayed before we left my house. Me, Stan and Mom. Stood in my kitchen crying praying for good news, but if it wasn't, then His will, then prayed for all of us to accept it and God to give me strength.......When I get called back to the room I am still a little anxious. I am thinking , well, if anything, at least I can take these stupid drain tubes out today and be able to sleep on my side or stomach again. Mom and Stan are in there with me. Amy, Dad, and the little ones are down in the lobby. The nurse comes in takes my temp. I am looking for ANY sign of a diagnosis from him. But, he is just his same, nice, polite self. Doesn't act any different. So, he leaves. Then my angel comes in. The doctor. She comes in and the first thing she says as I am sitting there in my little paper shirt with my drain tubes hanging all around me is, "You are gonna be one happy camper today. All of your 20 lymphnodes I took out were cancer free." And then it hit me. It hand't spread! And it was gone!!!! The angel said even she couldn't really believe it. She had felt that it would have been in several, if not all of them....But, we could believe it. My prayer warriors that have so diligently been praying for me can believe it. God answered our prayer. This is the best news I could have recieved today from her. I asked her "Are you sure? Because yesterday on Oprah there was this lady (she is grinning as if to say, Kristi, really?) who's slides got mixed up in the pathology lab? She said, "Yes, I am sure. I would trust these pathologists with my own life. And you were the only one I did that day." I then I heard God speaking to me. Telling me he would never leave me..Deutoronomy 31:8..........and I heard all those verses I have memorized now coming through my head : Psalms 91; Isaiah 40: Jermiah 29:11, Psalsm 27. I am saying all these again in my head and she is taking out two of my drain tubes. I have to keep one for a little longer but I don't care......My Mom asks the angel doctor if she can hug her. Then I hug her. She tells me I will be doing some chemo targeted at that area just to be safe, but I don't care. I feel like I can do anything. My Mom leaves the room to go downstairs to tell my Dad and Amy. We finish up and the angel leaves the room. Stan holds me and prays over me and I have never been so humbled by Jesus as I was at that moment. He is in control of this. He loves me this I know. So, I want to thank ALL of you that have been pryaying for us. None of this would be possible without EACH OF YOUR PRAYERS. Keep praying. I know that chemo may be a battle, but I truly feel like I can do it no matter what it is. I don't go to the oncologist until June 30. I have to continue to heal from the mastectomies. Thanks again and know that if I could I would hug and kiss each of you and thank you in person. Don' stop praying for us! And I am praying for all of you ~ love, kristi

Four Long Days

hello friends,

it is hard for me to type. I am recovering physically, but it is definately the hardest thing I have EVER done. and I know this is just the first battle. Surgery day was the longest day of my life and those who were waiting I am sure even longer. Mentally I am struggling...... I am clinging to Isaiah 40:30-31. Please keep praying for me. I could never tell you all how much I appreciate all your prayers. God's presence was with me on surgery day and still is. I felt your prayers and experienced Him answering them while I was alone in that surgery room. I will write those experiences later when I can type faster. It was amazing. I still know that God is good and I still am trusting Him, but it is hard sometimes to keep focused on that. satan keeps planting fear and uncertainty. Please pray for my mind to stay focused on the good and positive. I go back to the doctor on Wed. I will get the results from my masectomies then. Please continue to pray for my family. I will write next week. love you all, kristi

I've got a date!

Okay, well the surgery has been set for Wed. at noon. I am planning on this, but won't believe it until they wheel me into that cold operating room. Yesterday was hard. I must admit. But, my dear family kept me laughing and I was able to spend some time with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Janice. They had already gotten here, bless their hearts, when we were told of the cancellation. So, we spent the whole day laughing and Stan made me eat all day.... LOL (men are so funny on what they think you need to do huh?) anyway, today I plan on praying and spending some time with my precious children....and my Mom. I know I will shed tears AGAIN, but I must admit, they are getting fewer. I think God knew I wasn't quite ready yesterday. I probably won't write anymore until a few days after surgery when I am home and able to move my arms. I might have to get Stan or Allie to type for me, but I promise to keep all informed. This is so therapeutic for me. Thank you for all the prayers, I can truly feel them. Please don't stop.........Like I told one of my friends earlier, I am having this surgery TOMORROW. unless there is a tornado or something. the luck I am having, I am ruling nothing out.........LOL
love, kristi

God works in mysterious ways

Well, I was all prepared mentally this morning. I had my little zebra print suitcase packed to go. As I was walking out the door this morning the hospital called and said that my doctor had to cancel due to the flu in her family and she wasn't risking operating on anyone today. Totally understandable, but devastating to me. I selfishly fell apart for about thirty minutes and then I got a verse in my Bible and realized that there is a reason for everything. My dear friend Tish remineded me that God Is In Control of This!!!!!!!!!

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

so, I picked myself up and this verse is what I am focusing on today. Still clinging to my cross from my Life Group. Love, kristi

Last visit with my doctor before surgery

Went to the doctor today. It is really hard for me to write this because I am tired and my eyes are blurred with tears, but I know that I need to. First of all, I want to thank everyone who has contacted me via this blog, e-mail, facebook, text, etc. I am in complete awe at the amount of people praying for me. I can promise it is all of those prayers that get me up in the morning. Thank you . I am so very grateful.
Well, we decided to do the double masectomy and lymphnode removal first of next week. Actually, on Monday. (I also want to say that I know I am having a ton of typos and that is one of my pet peeves since I used to be a language arts teacher, but for some reason, spellcheck and grammar check just don't matter to me at the moment. ) lol Having said that, I went into the docs office loaded with a pad full of questions.........of course. She so politely answered them all and I have decided that this woman is an angel. She has become my lifeline. I shed no tears this time in her office. Just sat there in my little paper gown with my legal pad like I was interviewing her or something. When I got to the question that was ,"Have you ever had a patient die in the operating room while you were doing their masectomy, her eyes widened and she grinned and said "No." whew, do you think she would have actually said yes if she had? I think the grin was because I would bet she had never been asked that. That question also made Stan sit straight up in his chair and start paying closer attention to my questions. On a stronger note, she was able to give me a bit of good news. My lab report came back on my tumor that it was, I can't remember the big name, but basically it can be treated with some sort of hormone therapy as well as chemo. This was "wonderful" news she said. She said she could "breathe" now that she knew this. I was thankful for that little miracle, but we still don't know the stage until we get those stupid lymphnodes out. Right now my tumor was 3cm which automatically makes it stage II. After this masectomy I will be in the hospital one to two days and then have all these drain tubes things that will have to be taken care of by a home health nurse. I should be recovered in about 2 weeks and then my oncologists should have all results and decide on the treatment regime. I will have reconstructive surgery after all my treatments. I am still on an up and down emotional roller coaster, but I know this: God is good. God is faithful. This was His plan all along and I am just waiting to see the end result. Something good will come out of this. Thanks again for all those praying. Please don't stop. .............love you all, kristi