Chemo #1

Yesterday a 9:30 a.m. Stan and I headed up to the Texas Cancer Center for my first treatment. I was scared, but knew what I had to do. I was fully geared with my Bible, motivational books, cross in my pocket and my "lucky" flip flops that Allie had given me when I was in the hospital. I had pictures of my kids in my bag to look at as well and my phone to keep in touch while I was getting the "treatment." First, I had to go do blood tests and talk to the doctor. He tells me that my blood counts are good and my bone scans came back clear so I am ready..So ,we go back to the "room" where all this is to take place. It is strange walking in that room. All these people are sitting in, what look like some sort of recliner chairs, and they are all hooked up to i.v.s and wearing their everyday clothes. Some of the people are reading some are watching t.v. Others are sleeping and some are just sitting there. I automatically have this connection to each of them as I choose my chair. Just by our eyes meeting we are connected. It is so strange. It is like we have this bond of knowing what is going on that no one that has never done this could possibly have. I pick my "treatment" chair. My friend Stacey and Stan are with me. The nurse comes and hooks up my i.v. and is sweet, but, I can tell she has done this probalby 10,000 times. She first gives me a sedative, then some anti nauseau medicine and then we wait for the pharmacy to mix up my medicine..........AS I am waiting I am still thinking that I don't have to do this if I don't want to. I really could leave any time. But, then I get my pics out of my kids and open my bible and a peace comes over me. And I know that I am okay. Everyone else that is getting their chemo looks fairly calm. I must be the only first timer there. I am definatley the youngest. Stan and Stacey are making me laugh. Then the nurse comes with the three bags of medicine. I have to do one at a time to make sure I have no allergic reactions. This is a four hour process. So, we are in for a long day in the recliner. She starts the first. I am waiting for some kind of fire to run through out my body, but it doesn't. I am not sure why I thought this would happen. First bag goes well. I am looking at the bag reading all the warnings on it as it is dripping into my body. It says WARNING: DO NOT TOUCH CONTENTS IF BROKEN!!! I am thinking "this is what is going into my bloodstream right now." So, I get out my Bible again and quit reading the bag. The other two bags go well too. I felt nothing. I got a headache, but that was it. So, we are done and they send me on my merry way. First treatment in my body now. No turning back. What happens will happen right? They loaded me up with anti nauseau perscripts which are working. No sickness as of yet at all!!! I feel fatigued and a little irritable, but that is okay. So, we will see. I am trying not to think about it running through my body. I am just continuing to thank God for answering prayer and covering me with His feathers, which is what is happening. I am amazed. Praying for God to continue to bless all of you that are praying for us!!! love you so much

staying positive

I am trying to stay positive...........the good things that came from my first oncologist visit are these: I liked the doctor, his staff and nurses were wonderful and he said I won't be doing the "red devil" chemo..( I am glad I had never heard of this because I would have been worried about it the whole time).....but, I am doing chemo and it won't be easy, but will be doable. (is that a word?) Effects everyone differently. Oh yeah, I only have to do six rounds! The name of the chemo is carboplatin taxotere. I am thinking I can do six, right?? I will do a treatment once every three weeks. So, I should be done by Thanksgiving............good thing. I am going to have to have a port put on my body. That is okay, because that should keep them from messing up all my veins. I am also doing a drug called Herceptin once a week for a year via the port. This drug is NOT supposed to be hard. I am also going to take Tamoxifin to stop my estrogen which will probalby throw me into menopause, but hey, I can do that. I just want to be here............So, I have three, count them three, drugs that are going to be battling for me to save my life. I am thinking God that my cancer is a candidate for all three because some are not. I got my hair cut yesterday short. So, I am preparing for that. Thought it would be less drastic when it falls out if it wasn't so long. I have really thick hair. I have ordered all my little bandanas, hair scarves, so I am ready....... I have to go do bone scans, etc. tomorrow and go to "chemo school." What the heck that is I have no idea........
So, I am okay............I have a plan and those that know me well, know that I do very well with a plan...I just hope it sticks. Of course, I am completely scared out of my mind of this chemo stuff, but I have no choice. I also know that I am closer to God than I ever have been and He alone is all I need to make it through. He has put some wonderful people in my life the past three weeks that have been in my shoes and are such an inspiration to me and supporters. I am now part of a whole new sisterhood one of them told me. I love these sisters...they stick together. So, my prayer is for me to breeze through these next 18 weeks and for me not to be a burden on my family. My amazing family. Bless their hearts. I love them so much. If it wasn't for my Stan I would probably be on a plane for Mexico, but he is keeping me grounded.........Thanks to all of you prayer warriors. I pray for you everyday and know that without you I would have no strength. I love you all.

The Little Things

The doctor gave me permission yesterday to pick up Cole and carry him. I must admit, that has been the most heartbreaking part of this whole deal.........and not being able to do the things for my family that I normally do. Just the little things like packing Allie's suitcase or sweeping my kitchen floor, folding their clothes, loading my dishwasher, giving my son a bath, even washing my own hair. My Allie cat has really stepped up and been such a trooper through this whole thing. She is thirteen and has been so wonderful to me the past week. She has done things without me even having to ask. I told her the other night that I was "sorry, I haven't been able to help you with all your stuff like I normally do." and she said, "Mom, it has actually been kinda good because I have learned to do it myself!" And then I thought, you know what, I have done something right!! And my MOM. Thank you Jesus for letting me be this woman's daughter! My wonderful, beautiful mother has been by me the whole time. The first night home from surgery she slept on the floor beside me! I couldn't have anyone in the bed with me because of all the movement and I did not want to be alone. Stan had to help Cole get to sleep, so my precious Mother drags her bedding in the room and just curls up on the floor beside me. Just having her in there allowed me to go to sleep. She kept my household going as well. Laundry, feeding my family, running my daughter around, taking Cole to play, etc. I am a lucky girl.
So , I am now driving and picking up my little Cole in my arms! Something I so took for granted before has now become a luxury and privilage to me. I also want to thank my husband Stan who has been my cheerleader through the past two weeks. He has kept me focused on the positive. He refused to allow me to lay in the darkness during the day and wallow in self pity, which is what I would be prone to do. He made me get up and drage myself outside on the porch in the light. He reminded me that Satan is in the dark. God is in the light. Is attitude of gratitude has been a blessing to me and I am so glad God put him on this journey with me. The journey isn't over yet, but, I am so grateful to have such an awesome support group. I will never take any of these little things for granted again!
To everyone who reads this; girls, go get a mammogram. Boys: make your wives, moms, sisters, aunts, any female in your family go get one. Mine saved my life! or at least made it a lot longer than it would have been!!!! Do it for me!! love you all, kristi

Docotr visit : good news!!

Well, we all headed up to the doctor today at 9:00. Me, Stan, Mom, Dad and Amy and Cole and Amy's little Gracie. I was a nervous wreck......needless to say. I commented like "this must be what it feels like when you are going back to court to find out your fate from a jury." I knew my answer was on some piece of paper in that huge building I was about to walk into. I also knew that God could change it anytime He wanted. We prayed before we left my house. Me, Stan and Mom. Stood in my kitchen crying praying for good news, but if it wasn't, then His will, then prayed for all of us to accept it and God to give me strength.......When I get called back to the room I am still a little anxious. I am thinking , well, if anything, at least I can take these stupid drain tubes out today and be able to sleep on my side or stomach again. Mom and Stan are in there with me. Amy, Dad, and the little ones are down in the lobby. The nurse comes in takes my temp. I am looking for ANY sign of a diagnosis from him. But, he is just his same, nice, polite self. Doesn't act any different. So, he leaves. Then my angel comes in. The doctor. She comes in and the first thing she says as I am sitting there in my little paper shirt with my drain tubes hanging all around me is, "You are gonna be one happy camper today. All of your 20 lymphnodes I took out were cancer free." And then it hit me. It hand't spread! And it was gone!!!! The angel said even she couldn't really believe it. She had felt that it would have been in several, if not all of them....But, we could believe it. My prayer warriors that have so diligently been praying for me can believe it. God answered our prayer. This is the best news I could have recieved today from her. I asked her "Are you sure? Because yesterday on Oprah there was this lady (she is grinning as if to say, Kristi, really?) who's slides got mixed up in the pathology lab? She said, "Yes, I am sure. I would trust these pathologists with my own life. And you were the only one I did that day." I then I heard God speaking to me. Telling me he would never leave me..Deutoronomy 31:8..........and I heard all those verses I have memorized now coming through my head : Psalms 91; Isaiah 40: Jermiah 29:11, Psalsm 27. I am saying all these again in my head and she is taking out two of my drain tubes. I have to keep one for a little longer but I don't care......My Mom asks the angel doctor if she can hug her. Then I hug her. She tells me I will be doing some chemo targeted at that area just to be safe, but I don't care. I feel like I can do anything. My Mom leaves the room to go downstairs to tell my Dad and Amy. We finish up and the angel leaves the room. Stan holds me and prays over me and I have never been so humbled by Jesus as I was at that moment. He is in control of this. He loves me this I know. So, I want to thank ALL of you that have been pryaying for us. None of this would be possible without EACH OF YOUR PRAYERS. Keep praying. I know that chemo may be a battle, but I truly feel like I can do it no matter what it is. I don't go to the oncologist until June 30. I have to continue to heal from the mastectomies. Thanks again and know that if I could I would hug and kiss each of you and thank you in person. Don' stop praying for us! And I am praying for all of you ~ love, kristi

Four Long Days

hello friends,

it is hard for me to type. I am recovering physically, but it is definately the hardest thing I have EVER done. and I know this is just the first battle. Surgery day was the longest day of my life and those who were waiting I am sure even longer. Mentally I am struggling...... I am clinging to Isaiah 40:30-31. Please keep praying for me. I could never tell you all how much I appreciate all your prayers. God's presence was with me on surgery day and still is. I felt your prayers and experienced Him answering them while I was alone in that surgery room. I will write those experiences later when I can type faster. It was amazing. I still know that God is good and I still am trusting Him, but it is hard sometimes to keep focused on that. satan keeps planting fear and uncertainty. Please pray for my mind to stay focused on the good and positive. I go back to the doctor on Wed. I will get the results from my masectomies then. Please continue to pray for my family. I will write next week. love you all, kristi

I've got a date!

Okay, well the surgery has been set for Wed. at noon. I am planning on this, but won't believe it until they wheel me into that cold operating room. Yesterday was hard. I must admit. But, my dear family kept me laughing and I was able to spend some time with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Janice. They had already gotten here, bless their hearts, when we were told of the cancellation. So, we spent the whole day laughing and Stan made me eat all day.... LOL (men are so funny on what they think you need to do huh?) anyway, today I plan on praying and spending some time with my precious children....and my Mom. I know I will shed tears AGAIN, but I must admit, they are getting fewer. I think God knew I wasn't quite ready yesterday. I probably won't write anymore until a few days after surgery when I am home and able to move my arms. I might have to get Stan or Allie to type for me, but I promise to keep all informed. This is so therapeutic for me. Thank you for all the prayers, I can truly feel them. Please don't stop.........Like I told one of my friends earlier, I am having this surgery TOMORROW. unless there is a tornado or something. the luck I am having, I am ruling nothing out.........LOL
love, kristi

God works in mysterious ways

Well, I was all prepared mentally this morning. I had my little zebra print suitcase packed to go. As I was walking out the door this morning the hospital called and said that my doctor had to cancel due to the flu in her family and she wasn't risking operating on anyone today. Totally understandable, but devastating to me. I selfishly fell apart for about thirty minutes and then I got a verse in my Bible and realized that there is a reason for everything. My dear friend Tish remineded me that God Is In Control of This!!!!!!!!!

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

so, I picked myself up and this verse is what I am focusing on today. Still clinging to my cross from my Life Group. Love, kristi

Last visit with my doctor before surgery

Went to the doctor today. It is really hard for me to write this because I am tired and my eyes are blurred with tears, but I know that I need to. First of all, I want to thank everyone who has contacted me via this blog, e-mail, facebook, text, etc. I am in complete awe at the amount of people praying for me. I can promise it is all of those prayers that get me up in the morning. Thank you . I am so very grateful.
Well, we decided to do the double masectomy and lymphnode removal first of next week. Actually, on Monday. (I also want to say that I know I am having a ton of typos and that is one of my pet peeves since I used to be a language arts teacher, but for some reason, spellcheck and grammar check just don't matter to me at the moment. ) lol Having said that, I went into the docs office loaded with a pad full of questions.........of course. She so politely answered them all and I have decided that this woman is an angel. She has become my lifeline. I shed no tears this time in her office. Just sat there in my little paper gown with my legal pad like I was interviewing her or something. When I got to the question that was ,"Have you ever had a patient die in the operating room while you were doing their masectomy, her eyes widened and she grinned and said "No." whew, do you think she would have actually said yes if she had? I think the grin was because I would bet she had never been asked that. That question also made Stan sit straight up in his chair and start paying closer attention to my questions. On a stronger note, she was able to give me a bit of good news. My lab report came back on my tumor that it was, I can't remember the big name, but basically it can be treated with some sort of hormone therapy as well as chemo. This was "wonderful" news she said. She said she could "breathe" now that she knew this. I was thankful for that little miracle, but we still don't know the stage until we get those stupid lymphnodes out. Right now my tumor was 3cm which automatically makes it stage II. After this masectomy I will be in the hospital one to two days and then have all these drain tubes things that will have to be taken care of by a home health nurse. I should be recovered in about 2 weeks and then my oncologists should have all results and decide on the treatment regime. I will have reconstructive surgery after all my treatments. I am still on an up and down emotional roller coaster, but I know this: God is good. God is faithful. This was His plan all along and I am just waiting to see the end result. Something good will come out of this. Thanks again for all those praying. Please don't stop. .............love you all, kristi

thankful for my life group

Thanks to all my Life Group who prayed over me last night. I felt the Holy Spirit there. He was there. Right in the middle of that group. Thanks to my dear friend Scott for the cross that all my friends held as they prayed for me. I am keeping it in my pocket and am determined somehow to get it into that operating room. My wonderful Stan was there as were my precious parents and my beautiful children. The prayers that were said were so uplifting to me. I took the thunder that was happening as each friend prayed as a sign that God was telling me He was listening. I just keep looking at my son, who is three and my beautiful thirteen year old daughter. Remembering that I am their Mother and nothing can ever change that. Also thanks to everyone else that has reached out to me and told me they are praying. I feel really helpless today. I keep going back to Psalms 91. My doctor's apt was changed to tomorrow. I went to the grocery store today and went to one way across town hoping I wouldn't run into anyone. I cried down each aisle. There was hardly anyone in there, but I am sure the people that were there thought I was a complete nut! And those that are around me right now would have to agree that I am. I can tell you though that there has been lots of laughter in the past few days. Most of you that know me well know that I am a germaphobe. A few months ago when the swine flu first came out I panicked and went to "load" up at the store on Germx. Well, they were all sold out. I freaked out and went on e-bay and ordered three gallons!!! Won't even tell you how much I paid for it............anyway, I had forgotten all about this order. The day after I got my diagnosis the UPS guy brings this huge box to my door. I am thinking it is probably some of Stan's roofing supply stuff, but it has my name on it. I open it. And there they are. The three gallons of germx!! I just laughed and laughed and cried. Never did I dream I would trade something for that swine flu. LOL

May 21, 2009 The first day

Friends,

Well, the doctor came in yesterday and told me those dreaded words, "You have cancer." I still am in schock as I wirte them. Watching my Mom and Stan's faces was the worst part and knowing that I have two children was the absolute worst part. This was completley unexpected and I am have been in tears sincce three oclock yesterday afternoon and it is now three a. m. I have been throwing up, mad and sad all at once. It is as if someone has died, but yet everyone is here............My pastor came over last night and told me all these emotions are normal and explained how things happen............you know the sweet words they say, but I don't care right now!!! I am SO MAD! I have a three year old and a thirteen year old that need me!!!! so, the doctor tells me in her next words as I am passing in and out of consciousness on her table that we need to do more surgery to remove the lymphnodes and the whole breast. Then she tells me those words you don't want to hear that "You will then be sent to an oncologist and start chemotherapy." And my head is spinning and I am thinking. "What?" the sun is shining outside and my three year old is out in the waiting room with my Dad coloring not knowing that when I come down off that elevator I am going to change everyone's lives and nothing will ever be the same. I look at my strong Stan and see him go into "man with a plan" action. He stays and talks to the doctor after I leave as if he somehow can make her change it or find some magical suggestion. But, it is what it is.................I look at my beautiful Mother who is telling me she wishes it was her instead of me. I go down the elevator and the doors open and there is my big strong Dad who has always been able to make things go away or steer me in the right direction and he can tell from my precious Mom's face that it is not good. But, as always, Dad holds me and tells me that God will get me through this and he and Mom will be right there with me the whole time. He never flinches in front of me, just strong, tower of bravery that I so desperatley need. I know he is breaking inside though. Then I have to prepare to tell my precious, precious Allie who is at a volleball game. How do I tell her this? I call Jeff and have him bring her over after her game. She takes the news as an thirteen year old would be expected to take it. I assure that Mom is going go fight with everthing to beat this. And she believes me. It is strange having to be so strong in front of her, but that mother thing kicks in and I am able to do it.......so, right now I need prayer......prayer.........prayer. For strength, a miracle a misdiagnosis, anything. I will have the surger probably around the first of June....after that the doctor will be able to tell me what "stage" it is in and more of a prognosis............that is all I know. I am filled with sadness, uncertainty, anger, and apprehension. I love you all, kris

Life can change in three words

I am going to attempt this blogging thing. I have tried it in the past and never "got around to it." So, bear with me in the whole process of learning all the details of how to blog. But, I have just had a life changing event and I have always been good at expressing my feelings through written word, so I thought, and several others suggested, that I might try keeping my journey in writing. As I write this I want to tell everyone who is going to read it that it will be my true, raw emotions and I hope in doing so to not ever offend anyone or make them sad. My hope is that you will only pray for me every day and pray for a miracle that I know God can do. I am still only 6 days into this life changing thing so, my heart is broken and my emotions are literally up and down from one minute to the next. Thursday, May 21, 2009 my doctor told me "you have cancer." Breast cancer. I thought my heart had been broken once before, but this is what a broken heart must feel like. I am literally on my knees for hours a day praying to my Redeemer to grant that miracle I know only He can. I go back to my surgeon on Wed. this week to schedule my double masectomy and lymphnode removal. It won't be until after that report that we will know what "stage" we are in. But, I will be doing chemo and that is all I know. That is enough for me right now. I am going through all the emotions of grief and they are horrible. I am thinking of all the stupid things I have done in my life and the time I have wasted on petty feelings and unforgiveness. My really only concern is my two precious children. One is thirteen and one is three. My three year old is a "miracle" baby and I just keep wondering why God would give me this miracle and then three years later I get cancer. People keep telling me this is a test of my Faith and I need to find that strength that I have somewhere inside me. I am getting closer to accepting this, but it is coming slowly. I am scared..... I am not scared of death, I am just scared of the chemo and possibly being taken away from my children. I am scared of them having to watch me go through this. I am scared of them being without me. I am still in schock. My life will never be the same. I am going to persevere and do whatever it is I have to do to make it. I am strong and I have a wonderful family and prayer brothers and sisters on my side praying for me. It is just so strange how something like this makes you see things so differently. Life is so fragile. I am a healthy looking 39 year old woman with a wonderful husband and healthy kids. My husband and kids need me. I will be writing more later............I am in tears. Please pray for my kids...........