150 Coffee filters and an unanswered question

Hello family, friends and prayer warriors.........Tomorrow Stan and I leave for MDAnderson for my checkup. This checkup is a big deal........well, they all are a big deal, but, there is ALOT that could change after this one, for the better.....Every three months when I go to Houston they do a CTSCAN of my liver, chest and adominal area. So far, as you know, those have all been clear for a year now and I am still cancer free!! Praise God. This time I will have the CTSCAN plus I will have a PETSCAN. A PETSCAN is a test I have had three times in the past 3 and half years. But, I haven't had one since July 2011. This test involves me being injected with radioactive stuff and getting into the tunnell. If there is any cancer in my body it will glow on these tests........We are doing this PETSCAN because I have now completed all my treatments I was supposed to do after my liver surgery in Oct 2011. This is just to make sure I am still cancer free from head to toe. If I am, I will go off all medicine and get to give my body a break. whew!!!! If I am not, then that's a whole different story. But, we are not anticipating a problem because my bloodwork and tumor markers have been perfect now for a whole year. They check my tumor markers every three weeks here in Abilene. Tumor markers aren't used on everyone, but the first thing that alerted us last time the monster came back was my tumor markers went up. So, I am lucky that my body responds with tumor markers when the cancer is present. So, pray for me and Stan to have safe travel and of course for good results. Pray for my kids while I am away from them. Now, about those coffee filters.........hmm........Every morning I wake up I make the coffee. My coffee and coffee filters are in a cabinet above my oven. I have to tip toe to reach them because I am short:) Anyway, a few months ago as I was reaching for them I noticed on the package it said "count 150." Which meant, the full package had orignally contained 150 filters. I had just bought them about a week before. I remember thinking to myself, as a lot of us cancer patients do, "I wonder if I will be here to use all these?" So, every morning I would think about that as I made coffee. Crazy, yeah, I know, but its how my chemo brain works;) So, a couple of days ago I used the last coffee filter!!!! I made it 150 days! It made me realize how much I think about the future. I worried so much about not being here for Cole's first day of kindergarten and yet, here we are almost to Christmas break!! God has been so good to me. I am really trying to live in each day, but, as a mom sometimes it is hard. So, I bought me another package of coffee filters, but this time I bought 700!! HAHAHAH;) Also, since I wrote last, I have been blessed with being able to speak publicly twice with my testimony. This is so healing for me and I really feel The Holy Spirit when I do this. I have had to accept alot of unacceptable things through this cancer. But, there is one thing I will never understand..........And that is why do little kids have to get cancer? My community lost another ten year old child to this monster yesterday. I follow two other little girls that are fighitng this...One is winning and one is not. My heart breaks for these families. I can not even imagine. SO, when you pray form me please pray for these children. Pray for healing for them. Pray for no pain or sickness with their treatments. I will update next week with my results. I love everyone who reads this. Be blessed!

That crazy Mom peeking through the window?.......yep, thats me!

Cole started kindergarten. We are now on day three of the new chapter in our lives. Oh...........I am so tired of having to start new chapters.......but, that is what life is..........all about the "changing" and "adapting", but, gosh darn it........I want time to stand still!!!!! Day one of kindergarten was not good, to be honest. I started thinking as I was waking my baby boy up at six a.m. that maybe I should have put him in some sort of "mother's day out" or somehting before this big ol step!!! geezzzzzz..........So, I wake him up and he's tired, crying not wanting to go. After all, he's used to sleeping until 9:30 everyday.........But, we make it and I walk him into his class first day.........As I am putting his back pack in his "cubby" and making sure his lunch box is on the appropriate table, I look at him and he is pale..........."Mommy, I think I am gonna throw up. I need water." oh dear, please don't let my child throw up in front of all the other kids on the first day........So, we go out to the water fountain and he gets a drink. He's all better now, and I take him to his desk. His awesome, fantastic, beautiful teacher comes over and hugs him and assures him what he is supposed to be doing......I hug my baby and tell him I will be back soon. And then I walk out of the room....my legs feel like they are weighted down with at least ten pounds each..............I can't look back at him because if I do I am gonna sweep him up in my arms and run out of there as fast as I can and go home and start educating myself on homeschool........He is where he needs to be. And I know this. But, why does it feel like I am throwing him into the ocean??? He is now going to have to learn how to take turns, get in a line, raise his little hand, ask to go to the bathroom, eat when it's time, ....and the list goes on and on... That first day goes by soooooooo slow............I can't wait until three o'clock!!!!! I try and keep busy and even make myself sleep to make it go by faster.......At three I go pick him up. Amazingly, he is all in one piece!!!! He is smiling.........he is happy. All that matters is this: he's happy. Thank you Lord for Mrs. Powell. She has to have wings under her shirt I just know it. But, that night, at bedtime he starts crying not wanting to go back the next day......oh dear. So, me and Stan listen to him with our hearts breaking knowing that this will pass...........but, gosh, he's been through so much. Why can't he just be okay???? Second morning we get up. Lots easier this time.....He is ready to go!!! I make sure he has everything in his backpack: folder with the check mark in the appropriate spot to show teacher I saw it; lunch box; snack; water bottle with name written in sharpie with a heart; and then we load up and head back to the building where he will spend the next nine months of his life. Second day goes very well, not a problem at all..I pick him up after school and he's all smiles again and proud he was chosen to be "line leader." .......but, day THREE is a different story. So, on day three the school changes the routine.........oh, that stupid changy thing again!!! Instead of walking kids to their class we are now instructed to drop them off at at the cafeteria and their teacher will get them to their class. So, I have to explain to my little child, who hates change, what we are gonna do. We arrive at the cafeteria promptly this morning and I am just in awe at the number of kiddos in there. Now, you would think that I wouldn't be in awe at all........after all, I was an elementary school teacher at this same school system for many years and know the routine of how it all works. But, the ineveitable has finally happened........I am NOW ONE OF THOSE MOMS ME AND MY OTHER TEACHER FRIENDS USED TO MAKE FUN OF!!!!. oh karma!!! you always show up!!! hahahah Well, I get Cole to the correct seating line on the cafeteria floor with his class. Then I gingerly walk to the front of the room and turn around and watch him. I begin talking to a friend I see and then she leaves like we are supposed to. I am standing there watching all the kiddos.I am thinking how precious they all are. Cole waves at me or gives me a "tumbs up" about every 60 seconds. I realize that I am the only Mom left. So, I wave a final goodbye to my love and walk out the door. I can tell by his eyes that he is concerned and then I see him looking for Mrs. Powell. So, I leave the building...........MOMMY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!!! I am sure many were glad. As I am walking down the sidewalk I notice the little windows to the cafeteria. I ponder a moment; should I take a peek? hmmmmmm.........yeah, I go ahead. I cup my hands around my face and peak in. I am looking frantically at the back of all the little heads and don't see Cole's. Oh dear...........where is he? Finally, I see his little striped backpack and lock in on him. He is fine. I decide I am crazy! As I am about to step back, in a split second he turns his head around and sees me!!! OH DEAR!!!!! Our eyes lock and I panic. Now, mind you, there are about 200 kids or more in this cafeteria and about ten windows. And darn the luck.........he sees me!!! I continue to stand there having to keep my hands cupped because of the sun and up on my tiptoes. I know now at this point I can't just leave. He keeps turning his head and looking like every 20 seconds. He's waving big time and I feel like I am about to get sent to the principal's office. I put my finger up to my lips and make the "Shhhh" signal and he winks at me. Now we have a secret. Which makes him continue to look even more. Several parents walk by and I know they are thinking I am a stalking, crazy , Nut!!!! But, I can't leave until he does. So, I stand there with my face planted up against the glass for a solid FIFTEEN minutes! Mrs. Powell sees me and tries to pretend she doesn't. As do many of the other teachers. I can only imagine what I would have been thinking about this mother when I was teaching. So, finally they get up and line up and walk out. My little man turns one last time and gives me the "thumbs up" as if to make me feel okay for once. I then walk to my car and get in and bawl like a baby. Cancer or no cancer..........this is tough!!!!! I have found myself wandering the aisles of the grocery store crying because I miss him. I keep looking back at his booster seat while I am driving and realize he is at school. He's growing up and I am adjusting. I miss him. Letting go is so very hard. So, that is where we are. I am a nut and Cole is a kindergartner and Mrs. Powell is the new love of his life. And Mrs. Powell is a gem for letting me be one crazy mommy!!!!! I love all of you!!

The ugly door

Stan and I got back from Houston almost two weeks ago and as most of you know ALL my reports are still PERFECT!!! Thank you Jesus.........I feel like I am the luckiest girl on the planet. Well, I know I am. We were at MDA only for two nights this time. They actually did tests and doctor visit all in one day this time. This was really nice because I started my testing at 7:00 a.m. and we knew results by 2:00 p.m. I had a horrible time getting an i.v. this round. Not sure why......and the actual scan I cried through the whole thing.(the whole "breathe in.............breath out" instructions given to me by the machine was done via tears streaming down my face. So glad I didn't have on mascara! I had the best doctor and nurse in there with me though and they were so sweet and kind. When we went to see doctor at 1:00 p.m. to get results he came in the room through the big old ugly door that I so desperaley hate!!! I hate that door!!! I know its just a piece of wood, but, Stan and I always sit on one side and just stare at it.Our waiting time in the little bitty room to hear the news is a really tough time. I usually start nosing around in the all the cabinets (cause I can't be still)I always take the insturments off the wall and look in Stan's ears and nose!! crazy huh? The walls are so thick that our phones won't work. So, we read all the posters on the wall...........I usually go out to the hall a couple of times. I am such a detailed person that even when I am changing into those horrible robes out of my clothes to be examined I think to myself "Now, when I put these clothes BACK on I will know if I am still good or not." And I fold them real neatly and lay them on the bench in dressing area as if that will change the outcome. Just really pure insanity. ha! Knowing that when the ugly door opens everything will be really good or really bad..........kind of like that game show where you say , "I pick door number 1." Knowing not what is behind it. But, this time when Dr. Valero came through the door he had not looked at my reports yet because it was so soon since I did them. So, he listened to the dictation the doctor had recorded to be printed right in front of us. Of course, Stan couldn't hear it and I had no idea what the words meant that the doctor was saying on the recording. It took Dr. Valero about ten minutes to listen to the whole thing. The doctor on the recording kept saying in a foreign accent the word "colon." That is really all the word I could pick out he was saying with his heavy accent. I was freaking out!!! But, after he said it about the tenth time and then said also the word "period" I realized, to my delight, that he was saying it as punctuation for the person who would have been transcribing it to paper..........Thank the Lord for my English teaching skills.........cause I was about to pass out thinking it had spread to my colon!!!! So, after Dr. Valero turned it off he looked at me and said ,"you are in remission. you are good." He hugged me real tight and tears were streaming down my face. I look at Stan and I see a weight literally lifted off his face and shoulders. We listen to the doctor as he tells me we will continue with this proactive treatment I am on until December. Then we will do scans of whole body and if all still good I will get off all medicine!!!!!!! I go change back into my nealty folded clothes and we leave through the now beautiful door!!!!! I text my immediate peeps( mom, dad, amy, sammy, jeff) and we head out of there!!!! So, here I am again getting to write wonderful news.........I am just in awe of God's grace and mercy He has granted me because I don't deserve it. None of us do. I realized over the past week how really hard all this must be on my husband. My beautiful, strong, Stan worries more than he tells me. Actually, he never tells me or leads me to believe for one second that he worries. But, when I saw his face change after doctor told me I was in remission I realized it. I don't know how any one that watches their loved one go through this roller coaster of hell does it. So, I ask that you pray for my Stan. Pray for my Mom and Dad and my sister and my children. I am learning to truly live in the moment and some days it is really difficult. But, I am so grateful for my family and friends and all of you who read my blog. Pray for my little Cole as he starts Kindergarten in a couple weeks. He asked me the other day, "Why do people even have to go to school?' I said, "So, when you grow up you can get a job and take care of your family." He replied, "Well, ...........my wife might have a job." I said, "Yes, she might," He then said, "I think I will just be a stay at home Dad." hahahaha. oh this little guy is so funny. I told him "Well, you let me know how that works out for ya!" And my beautiful Allie will be a Junior in high school!!! I just can't believe it! And my sweet Hannah will be a sophomore!!! Pray for them to remain strong in their faith as they enter these years of important decisions. So, now I am looking forward to getting back into the routine of being involved in an elementary school. It's been awhile, but I am so grateful that I will be able to. And be able to while I feel good!!!! Life is so short people............enjoy every minute. I do have bad days, don't think for one second that my life is all positive, but in those horrible days I look at my kids and know that I am still here for them. I look at my Stan and know that he needs me. I look at my parents and sister and know that the story isn't over. We are a family and we are gonna keep on going and enjoy every stinking minute!!!!! NO MATTER WHAT!! I love all of you who read.......................still a survivor-kristi

every day is a gift

just wanted to update everyone on our journey. I am doing good. Dr. Melnyk checks my tumor markers every three weeks and so far, they are still normal. Praise God!!!That is a miracle you guys.............To God be the glory!!!! I am still doing an i.v. treatment every three weeks. It takes one and half hours to get the unfusion, about an hour to see the doc, so I'm usually there at total of 3-4 hours every third monday. My Dad goes with me and sits with me every time. I am feeling okay. I still struggle with hot flashes and this heat is not helping and I honeslty, still struggle somedays with that big four letter word FEAR! I guess I always will. I try and make the MOST of everyday. I have to be doing something constantly because if I sit still long enough my mind starts racing and I go to a pretty dark place. So, we stay really busy around here. Cole is getting ready to start kindergarten in August and, as he told Allie when she asked him if he was getting excited about starting school, he replied........... "I'm not going to kindergarten.".....hmmmmm .........He went to art camp for two days and it was a struggle. It was just for three hours a day, but he didn't want me leaving him. He didn't throw a "fit", just would have tears streaming down his little face as I would leave and tell me he was "gonna miss me." Needless to say, I ended up staying at the last day of art camp (: They needed help anyway. Ha! But, I won't be able to stay at kindergarten. And he knows this........He asked if I could just be the "lunch lady?" His little mind is working overtime. So........ he is having a hard time. He has really become very clingy to me in the past month. Some days it is almost unbearable because it breaks my heart when he does this. I physically hurt in my chest. As a Mom dealing with the monster of cancer, to hear your child "need" you and cry for you is one million times harder than a mom that is healthy. Because the devil always puts that fear in my head that says "what if you are not here one day and he needs you?" It is a horrible horrible feeling and I honestly struggle with this more than I show anyone. That is why this blog has been so good for me. I can vent. So, when you pray for me,........... don't. Pray for my children. I don't want to say, "pray that they don't need me" but, if you are a mom with cancer you will know what I'm talking about. And if you are a healthy mom, I hope you never have to know this. It's so cliche, but don't take a minute with your babies for granted!! We took our children, along with my parents, to the beach and had a great time. It was so nice to spend time with Cole on the ocean shore. And just hang out with my girls on the beach and their friends. I know how lucky I am............I know how much grace and mercy the Father has shown me and I am so very very grateful. I just try to live in the moment and help other moms that are struggling with illness. God seems to always put them in my path and I believe that is why He has spared me thus far. So, that is where we are. Just taking it all one day at a time, literally, and enjoying each moment. I go back to Houston the first week of August. I will update you all again after that apt. Somdays I can't believe how far we have come. And other days I find myself actually "forgetting" that it can all change in a split second. Some days I feel like I am just always one test away from another reaccurance. I know that sounds like I am not positive. I am positive, it just is all overwhelming sometimes to actually look back at what all I have put my body through and realize I am sill here and able to actually have a normal day at all. I actually feel fairly good physically. I have develped what I think is probably like arthirits from all the chemo. But, I am controlling that with meds. But, other than that, I am so far from where I was last summer. Anyhow, I just want to tell you all that I love you. I appreciate all the prayers more than you could ever know. Keep them coming!!! Love your kids, spend time with them, let things go, forgive each other, love the unlovable, help people, stay in your Bible, love your spouse and support them. I love you Jesus! And it all because of You that I am here. I am a lucky girl...........kristi- still a survivor!!!!!! I love all of you that read this.........

Relay for Life...........and another free pass

Just to update everyone..............Stan and I got back from Houston on Wednesday. We were there for four long days again. And after all the testing and meeting with doctors I can say that I am still CACNCER FREE!so, I am planning on having a good summer with my kids! They havent had a summer with me in almost three years! So, we are gonna play and have fun all summer loonnnng. I don't go back to Houston again until August! I will still be doing an i.v. treatment of Herceptin once every three weeks and will be taking five pills a day. Doctors took me off the chemo pills that make me feel so bad. I am so glad I get a break from those!! Stan and I were blessed again at MDA with all the people we met and he and I have a lot of bonding time there. He is my best friend. I don't know how he puts up with all my fear and mood swings, but he does. God bless him...........And thanks also to my mom, dad and Jeff. I would not be able to go if I didn't know you all had my babies in your care! Also, I am so thankful I participated in Relay for Life this year! What a blessing that was! I think I had the biggest group there. You have no idea how elated I felt walking that survivor lap with my friend Lin! And coming around the track and seeing my "team" of people was like the best feeling ever. I love each of you so much!Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to come spend the evening with me! It means more than you will ever know. Thanks for being there for my speech! I felt so honored to be asked to share my story and it was amazing to get up there and tell it. I have never felt that feeling before. I was not nervous one bit. I felt the Holy Spirit in a way I never have. And if I gave just one person hope then my goal was achieved! So, I now have been given another "free" pass from God. I intend to use it well. I know He expects great things from me. And I ask for His guidance everyday and finding out what I am supposed to do for Him. I pray each of you have a fantastic summer and enjoy EVERY MINUTE with your families. I know I say that all the time, but I hope you really let it sink in and do it!!!! Life is so fragile. So once again, I am on my knees thanking Jesus Christ my Lord and Redeemer. Thank you Father! I don't deserve Your mercy. I love each of you dearly...................love love love

One funeral, one wedding and a hate/love relationship with........Spring!

Spring has always been my favorite time of year. Ever since I was a little girl. Not sure why. Maybe it is the change that takes place from everything being dead and coming back to life again. Maybe it is the uncertainty of the weather. I have always been fascinated by thunderstorms and when I was little was really scared of them. My first memory of a "tornado warning" is of my Dad and Mom putting my sister and me in the closet in the middle of the night with a mattress over us. I remember having no idea what was gonig on. My Dad stayed outside to be "on watch." I remember being afraid something was going to happen to him. But, soon realized he was protecting us, watching.( Just like he does now still with me. He's always with me in the chemo lab...........watching. Ready to make a move for any need I may have. I love him so much.) Anyway, As I grew older I educated myself on them by watching the weather channel and had a fleeting moment where I wanted to be a meteorologist (no one probably knows that in my family). But, after researching all the science classes you had to take to get that degree that thought left my mind quickly. ha I thought you could just stand in front of the camera and read the report to the viewers and dress cute. ha. Doesn't work that way these days. I also have always loved to plant things. I enjoy the tediousness of having to water things and watch them grow. Taking care of things. But, since cancer, I can say that I am not scared of storms at all anymore. In fact, I'd just soon stand out in one and watch it!!! We have a joke around our family that Stan and I are the only people that actually love hail!!! (He owns a roofing business) So, when it hails we always laugh and say it is like money falling out of the sky to us. I love Stan so much. He is my rock..........
I have also been to a wedding of someone very close to me and been to a funeral in the past month. I cansay they were both extremely emotional for me and I spent a lot of time in tears. But, so grateful I was here to go to both. They both stirred emotions in me and fears. But, I made it through.

I guess the reason I titled this blog entry a love/hate realtionship with Spring is that all my life changing events I have experienced have occured in the springtime. The good and the bad. I wont list them all, but the most major are cancer and my chidlren's births. I was first diagnosed with cancer May 21, 2009, had my surgeries in June 2009 and started my first chemo. Then my cancer came back in May 2011. The other morning I woke up to my neighbor mowing his lawn. I had a flashback to springtime 2009. I would lay in bed after my bilateral masectomies unable to move and would hear him mowing. I would look out my window and watch him. He has no idea. It gave me peace to see that life was going on. I haven't had a normal fun summer in almost three years. So, as Spring is fast approaching and when I start hearing that lawm mower in the neighborhood and see things blooming I get a little nervous. But, the best things that EVER happened to me were in the spring too. Allie was born April 20, 1996 AND Cole was born April 6, 2006. So, you can see why I love it and hate it. But, I can tell you this. Last week I went in to my oncologist here for my monthly infusion of Herceptin and my liver bloodwork it was all good!! He even checked my tumor markers and they were good. (I didn't know he was checking those. I am glad I didn't because I would have been worried sick about the results. I think my doc is figuring me out. ha) So, now I am planning on going back to Houston the week of April 25th. We will be there for my three month check up. Same routine everytime. Scans, docs, blood, and needles. But, until then I have two birthday parties to plan!!!!! I am so grateful that I am albe to do this. Allie turns 16 on the 20th of April and will be driving!!! Cole turns 6 years old on Good Friday!!! Plus, we have Easter to celelbrate in between! So, I am going to buckle in and enjoy this ride for the next three weeks. I promise myself to enjoy every moment and even if it storms I will celebrate!!! I am alive!!! I have energy and I have lots of love. Thank you all who read. You really have no idea how much your prayers and support mean to me and my family............it's everything. Thanks be mostly to my Lord Jesus Christ. It's all because of Him that I am even still here and able to do the things I do. I love Him and am glad I am His child. Now, go have a good day. Enjoy every moment. Find good in everything.
staying in prayer and trying to stay in positive: kristi ~ still a survivor

All Clear..........and two big hugs!

Just to update everyone. Stan and I got back from Houston late Wednesday. After three days of testing and doctor's apts. we finally got results on Tuesday that I am clear. Scans were good, blood tumor markers are good and my liver has grown completely back! It was a long few days to say the least, as it always is, but, only those with cancer know the agony of waiting for that doctor to come in the room with results..........But, God's will was that I remain clear! So, now I go back every three months and check again for at least two years. But, that's okay. I will stay on my oral chemo as well. One chemo I will take four more cycles of and the other for a year daily. I will also continue getting infusions of Herceptin once every three weeks. God willing this "cocktail" will keep the cancer away. We are so relieved. The chemo is not hard, but it is making me retain water and causing some skin problems, but, you know what, that is OK!!! Both of my oncologists that I saw hugged me! I did not want to let go! Stan was amazing as always and kept it together even though I know he was just as scared as I was. So, I am once again on my knees thanking God. I love you Jesus! I love my family! So, I am going to try and get back into my life and not let this cancer control my every thought. I ask for prayer for that. I love all of you that read and I am beyond grateful for your prayers. staying in prayer and positive, kristi

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year to all my friends, family and anyone else that reads my blog that I don't know. What a year! I am on my new oral chemo (10 Pills per day) and a weekly infusion of Herceptin. I am leaving on January 8th to spend four days in Houston at MDA. Stan and I will be there once again! We've got this drive and drill down perfectly now. I think we definately have passed the marriage vows where we said "sickness and health and better or worse." ha. The week of the 8th we will find out if my liver has grown back the way it was supposed to and find out if I am still cancer free. I would be lying if I said I am not scared. Waiting and scanning is just almost unbearable, but we do it. My chemo is very tolerable this time. It is by no means fun, but it is nothing like the ones I have done in the past. When they took my liver they took my ovaries which has caused REAL menopause. I thought chemo had thrown me into it before, but this is the real deal. I am sure it is no worse than any other woman's, but I found myself one day searching for the refrigerated food section at Target and opened it and stuck my head in it. I grabbed a box of something frozen and put it on my neck. ~~HA hot flashes are rediculous!!!! Anyway, I have learned a lot this year.
I have learned that although human beings are the strongest thing God created we are also the weakest. I lost two friends in October that had been fighting for their lives against this horrible disease just like me. I think of them every morning when I get up and take these stupid chemo pills. I think of these two ladies every time I am doing something with my children. My heart hurts for their families. So, when I start feeling sorry for myself or want to just quit I close my eyes and see them. I have all their words of advice chisled in my brain and I count my blessings and keep going because that is what each of them would tell me to do. So, I am once again asking for prayer. Pray first for my friend's children that lost their mothers to this ugly cancer. Pray for my family: Stan, Allie, Hannah, Cole, Amy, Sammy, Blaine, Brooke, Grace, Mom and Dad. Pray for them to be strong no matter what this new year brings. We are counting on nothing but good news, but I am fully aware how things can change and I just want to be strong no matter what. Strenght!!! Jesus!!
I am also thankful for Allie's dad Jeff. Thank you Jeff for being there for me and Stan. I thank God every day for healing our family.

I heard Hoda Kobi (she is a breast cancer survivor on the Today show) say it best about breast cancer. And I quote, " You know people love you in your life, but you don't know how much until you get sick."

I love each of you. I will be updating my blog when I get my results sometime the week of Jan. 8th. God Bless each one of you.
Staying positive and in prayer,
kristi

my little sis

Just a quick update on my status. Went to my oncologist in Houston last week. No sign of cancer ANYWHERE according to bloodwork! I will begin a proactive treatment of Xeloda(oral chemo), which will be done in six rounds. Side effects will be minimal compared to the red devil. Also two other meds that are called Herceptin(which I have done before) and the other is called Tykerb. These two drugs stop the cancer from growing if it is anywhere. My cancer is what they call HER2 positive which means it has a certain protien it needs to grow that these two drugs are supposed to knock out that protein. I was given the option to do nothing and just wait and see. But, I can't do that. I will be having a heart test next week to make sure my heart has no damage from the previous chemo. And I will also be having my mediport put back in. I refuse to have another PICC line! So, in January I go back to MDA for more scans. So, we are hoping and praying. I am feeling absolutley terrific! All my pain is gone from surgery and life is just ticking along as it should. I am so excited about the holidays and look forward to all the things that go along with them. I am soooooo sick of talking about cancer!
I want to write now about a person that in my life that doesn't seem to get the credit she deserves for all she has sacrificed for me in this disease. That person is my little sister Amy. The top picture to the right is of us this Halloween. My first childhood memory I have is of her being born. I was just a few weeks shy of turning four years old. I knew my Mommy was going to have a baby, but I remember not fully understanding what that meant. When Amy was born I was at the hospital. Back then it wasn't allowed for everyone to be in the birthing room like today. I don't even know if my Dad was allowed in. I remember sitting on a bench with my Aunt Joyce outside the hospital and this nurse came up and gave me some juice and told me I had a little sister. Amy is the person who probably knows me best in this world. And I know her best. We are the only ones that grew up in our home with our parents and spent everyday of our childhood together and share a lot of the same experiences. I have always felt very protective of her being the big sis and all. But, let me tell you this. She has always been there for me. NO MATTER WHAT. Of course we have had our share of disagreements, arguments and tears, but that bond has never been broken. She has been here for me through this stupid cancer every step of the way. She has cried with me, laughed with me, but the most important thing is she has been there for my children. And I have such a peace knowing that God forbid my life was cut short she would be there for them. I wish I had Amy's spunk and sense of adventure. She drove my Allie to Houston for my surgery and they rode almost the whole way with the windows down and music up! Amy lights up every room she enters. She is always so much fun and if she is ever in a bad mood you never know it. She started a prayer chain with the prayer warrior bracelets that have gone all over the world. And I KNOW that those people praying are why I am still alive today. We have so many fun memories that nothing can ever take away. She is beautiful, loyal, compassionate and humble. I am so glad that God put her in our lives on August 7 all those years ago. Thank you Amy for loving me. I love you so much. Thank you for all you have done for me the past two and half years during this nightmare. You are an angel in my life.

I flew over the cookoo's nest and found Green Acres

It has been TEN long days and I am doing good. I am so grateful that the surgery is over and I am finally home from MDA. We got home Thursday night. The surgery was definately the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I am so grateful I was able to do it. It was a a long week at MDAnderson in my small hospital room. I actually have no memory of about the first two 1/2 days. For some reason I had some kind of reaction to anesthesia and have amnesia of the day of surgery and after. The last thing I remember is me and Amy sitting in the waiting room waiting for me to be called back to the o.r. and she was rubbing my shoulders. Then I start having memories of that Saturday. I was told I was throwing up violently after surgery and they were trying to stop it. I have no memory of that. Then when I got back to my room where my family was they say I was "talking crazy" out of my head. I had no idea I had just had surgery and no idea where I was. I was sitting up talking to all of them like nothing had just happened. (I have 40 staples in my stomach so to be able to do that is amazing within itself) So, we have had LOTS of laughs of my family telling all the silly, wild things I did and said. They said at first it was funny, but when I woke up the next day still doing it they were concerned. Doc assured them I was okay. I wasn't going cuckoo. Anyway, poor Stan slept on a recliner by my side every night except one. Mom stayed one night. Nurses came in every two hours to take blood pressure, blood, or load me up on pain meds. So, no one got much sleep except me in my pain medicine induced state. :) I had several different nurses and they all seemed to have very intersting names. Pablito, Naja, Shaza and the list just gets crazier. But, they were all top notch and everything there is definatley state of the art and first class all the way. So, I was very well taken care of despite of how nutty I was. HA
The pathology report came back on day four of my liver. They removed the whole right lobe. It showed that the chemo had killed a lot of the cancer(which means it was working) and the "margins" of tissue around the tumor were clear. So, basically now we wait for me to heal and I go back to my onclogist to see what kind of proactive treatment I will be doing. So, there were no surprises. Which was good! Thank you Jesus.
I finally got the go ahead to leave on Thursday morning from my doctor. Everyone was so ready to be home. I, on the other hand, was having a big old fear of leaving my doctors and being six hours away from them. The devil put all kinds of scenarios in my worrying little head. What if my liver has a problem? What if I get sick? How will I get back to Houston ASAP. But, Dad, Stan and my doctors assured me they could get me back on a medical helicopter. I took their word for it and agreed to leave. It was hard though. Anyway, Mom, Dad and Cole went ahead and headed home that morning and Stan and I had to wait around for my meds to be filled before we could leave. When we FINALLY got to leave the hospital Stan put me in a wheelchair and I was loaded down with my big purse, hot pink blanket, zebra pillow and cheetah house shoes. He was trying to push me and pull my polka dot suitcase, laptop and his bag all at the same time. Now, one would think at this huge place with all its other fancy stuff they would have someone help you leave, but they did not. So, we have seven floors to go down on the elevator. He is loading me into the elevator and rams my chair right into the back wall of the elevator. Drops the laptop, suitcases, etc. I almost went flying out into the wall. I was crying from pain and laughter at the same time. When we finally "land" on the first floor Stan wheels me out backwards and my wheels turn and hit the elevator door again! Then we hit another wall! He is sweating and I am laughing and am embarrassed. This woman comes up and asks if he needs some help. Stan says, "no, she's tough." ha ha ha. She then said, "Well, you are pushing this beautiful woman and keep ramming here into the wall!" awwwww. she said I was beautiful! As a girl, of course, that is all I heard. So, we then wheel out to the valet parking of the hospital and our car is parked across the street at the hotel. Stan says "Wait right here honey. I'll be right back." And he sprints across the downtown Houston city street. At that moment I am sitting there thinking "For some reason this reminds me of a scene from that old sitcom Green Acres!" oh, my country husband. I love him so much. He then pulls up and we load up and head west! Always an andventure. I will admit that this is hard. I thank God for each of you praying and every message, card and text is appreciated beyond you will ever know. I now am going to focus everything on our next move and my kids. I love each of you and will blog again when I find out our plan. Right now I am just healing. God bless you dear friends. Much love.

I just want to be their Mom

Father, when I am afraid, I will put my confidence in You. Yes, I will trust Your promises. And since I trust You, what can mere man do to me? You have not given me a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. Therefore, I am not ashamed of the testimony of my Lord. I have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but I have received a spirit of adoption as a son, by which I cry out, "Abba! Father!"You are my Light and Salavation; You protect me from danger---whom shall I fear? When evil men come to destroy me, they will fall! Yes, though a mighty army marches against me, my heart shall know no fear. I am confident that You will save me. Father I ask you to heal me in the name of Jesus. (Thank you Angel P. for this book)

Everyone please pray for the team of doctors and my family as they wait patiently and nervously for me tomorrow. I am so ready to have this behind me. Thanks for all your texts, cards and messages. I love each of you. Amy will be updating my facebook throughout the day tomorrow. And I will blog again as soon as I am able. Be grateful for each day. Be thankful for your health. And go love and hug your family. kristi

Eye to Eye

It has been a long week to say the least. Stan and I spent three LONG days at MDAnderson and got home last night. The first day was spent doing tests all day. That entails a lot of waiting, fasting, needles and drinking yucky stuff. I had a full blown panic attack in the i.v. room because the nurse could not find my vein and was about to kill me. I don't know what happened. The next thing I know I am shoeless, laying back in my reclining chair with an alcohol pad under my nose and a wet rag on my head and my beautiful scrub top is soaking wet. Stan was just looking at my like I had lost it. When it passed, we laughed because the three ladies that were in there with me (who were at least 90 years old) in wheelchairs didn't even flinch with their i.v. ha. who knows???? Then I go back to the big machine. Those of you that have done this know what it's like and if you haven't I can't explain it. The next day we go see the first doctor. My breast cancer doctor. Dr. Valero. I love this man. He came in and updated me on my prognosis and I can tell he has a genuine concern. He speaks with what I think is a Columbian accent so I have to listen very closely to understand him. He shows me my scans and how the tumor has shrunk. Before and after pictures. He tells me that he is pleased with the results of my chemo. He also tells me that there was only a 5 percent chance the chemo would have gotten rid of it completley; a 50 percent chance the chemo would not have worked at all; and a 45 percent chance it would have shrunk. (which is what it did) He tells me I am a lucky girl:) I'm glad I didn't know these percentages pre chemo or I would have been worried the WHOLE time. We discuss that we will continue with our plan to remove it and I will see my liver oncologist surgeon the next day. So, Stan and I are once again relieved. We go out to dinner that night and drive around and just relax. The next day we wake up and my apt. with Dr. Curly is not until 12:30. So, I am so anxious and just can not sit around the room. I decide I am going to walk around the hospital. Stan stays in the room and I go just walking around inside. Up and down halls. This place is so massive I just am in awe at all the people. I read that over 18,000 people work here. I am thinking I have to be in the right place. I see women pushing their children in wheelchairs, people with such desperation in their eyes, people with hope in their eyes, people rejoicing of good news they just received, people that looked scared to death and am just so humbled by all of it. I decide to go to the chapel and go bebopping on in without looking at the schedule of events outside the door. I go in and there is a man speaking to a room full of men and women dressed in suits. I sit down and listen to his sermon. I realize that these are all the chaplins at MDA. The sermon was one that I needed to hear. I then head back to the hotel via the skybridge and get Stan. We walk to the other wing to go meet with the liver doctor. When we get to see him he tells me that he wants to wait at least two more weeks because my liver is inflamed still from the chemo and he won't touch it until it has healed. This is very normal. He explains to us that he is going to remove 55 percent of it! This kind of freaked me out, but he said it grows back. I am asking him all my questions on my list I brought. He is so nice and answers them all. At the end of my questions I ask him, "So, this is what I need to do to prolonge my life?" He said, "Yes, we wouldn't be meeting if it wasn't. You will see other things that can be done if you research, but this is the best for you Kristi." Then Stan asks him how many he has done. He says he has done over 2,000! I look the doctor in the eye and I say, "If I was your daughter what would you do?" He then looked me in the eye with tears in his and he said,"It would be coming out!" I look at Stan and say, "That's all I needed to know." Dr. Curly then shook my hand and said, "I am so sorry that you need my services." So, now we go back October 5th and surgery is scheduled for the 6th. I was so happy to get home and see my family. Thanks again to ALL of you who read and pray for us. It's gonna be a long, hard recovery, but I am up for the challenge. God is faithful. God is constant. God is all over MDAnderson. Please pray for all those people there. I am so grateful for that place. If everyone could just go spend one day there and walk around like I did you would never be the same again. Count your blessings! Be grateful for your health and your family's health. I love each of you.

And then we caught a break......................whew........

I was supposed to find out my petscan test results on Wednesday at 9:45. So, Tuesday morning I was keeping myself busy as a bee cleaning my house and doing laundry. Anything that could be washed was getting washed!! I had no idea where my life was going to turn the next day. I had no idea if the cancer had spread or if the treatments had even been working. So, I was nervous and working. About 11:00 a.m. Tuesday morning Stan busts in the door literally like Kramer waving a piece of paper at me saying "Kristi, I have the best news!" I was standing in my living room holding dirty bathroom mats looking at him like..... WHAT? Still in my little pajamas and head scarf I just say , "Stan, what is it?" He tells me that he has been up to the Cancer Center and talked to my nurse and she went over the petscan report with him and it was good. The tumor is shrinking and there is no sign of cancer anywyere else in my body. I say, "Are you sure?... How does she know? My doctor is out of town." I know I am white as the bath mat I am holding and I fall to the floor and land my face right in the middle of the dirty mats I am carrying not even caring. I start crying tears of joy! Shouting, "Are you sure???"....... A relief came over me that I have never felt before. We tell my immediate family but,I don't want to tell anyone else until I hear it straight from the doctor's mouth the next day. I trust my nurse and don't think my doctor would allow her to give these reports out if she wasn't able to read them, but I still wanted him to tell me. So, the next morning we go in and he tells me the same thing. I am elated. He says he would like to see it completely gone, but this is what he expected for it to do. It has almost shrunk to half its size. This is awesome. I had prepared myself as best I could for the worst. And I realize that this does not mean I have won by any means. But, it does mean we have bought a lot of time to try and get rid of it all!! So, yesterday I did one more round of chemo. I go back to MDA on Sept. 12 -15th. I will then talk to my liver oncologist to schedule the liver surgery. They are going to remove that part of my liver and then put me on chemo pills for awhile. I still have a long road ahead with the surgery, but I now have a chance to beat this. I am so blessed.............I am so loved.......I am so thankful for all my family and prayer warriors. I pray every morning on my back porch for God to bless you. So, now we get through these next two weeks with this chemo and then I have a few weeks left before I head to Houston. I look forward to spending time with my family. So, I am thankful for my Stan and his boldness. I don't know anyone else that would have done that for me. I asked him later, "What would you have done if it would have been bad news?" He said, "Well that's why I went. If it was bad I wanted to be prepared to be strong for you." What a guy. I love him so much. Go love and hug your family people. Cherish everyday. Forgive people. Love people. Accept people. I love each of you. We are going to press on in this fight and I will never give up. love, kristi

anticipation

Just to update everyone. I made it through my third round of chemo. After my last post, I ended up in the hospital with a fever. I have also been driven up to the cancer center twice thinking I was dying. Ha! seriously. but, of course, I wasn't. I just needed fluids. This chemo is really really tough to say the least. It is trying to kill you without killing you. I know, doesn't make sense. And that is ALL I want to say about the stupid stuff.
I go this coming Monday for a PETSCAN to see if the tumor has shrunk. Hopefully it has. If it has and there is no sign of cancer anywhere else then I will do one more round of chemo that day. And then I will go to MDA on September 12th, 13th and 14th for followups with my docs down there. The plan was to let my little body rest before surgery. So, looks like if all goes as planned my surgery will be probably in October. But, it all depends on how those scans turn out. I hate waiting. It is the absolutle worst part of this whole roller coaster. I've had to take shots the last two rounds as well because my white blood cells have gotten down to 1. Which, is basically none. I hate these shots. They make your bones hurt, but I have made it through those as well. But, they build your white blood cells up almost overnight. Your white blood cells are made in your bone marrow, so that is why it makes your bones hurt. The chemo kills the white blood cells. They are what fight off infections and any bacteria that enters your body everyday. And without them, you are basically a walking magnet for anykind of illness. I will be honest, this is very very trying on my mental status and sometimes I just don't know how I can do it anymore. In the middle of the chemo two week deal I swear I am NEVER doing it again. But,my Stan always brings me back to my Bible and makes me realize I have absolutley NO CONTROL of any of it. Kind of like when you are in labor having a baby and at that moment you swear you will never have another baby again! But, then you do. I just have to trust God. But, somedays are really hard to do that. I am just in awe at all the people praying for me. And the bracelettes my sweet sister has given out just blow me away. I see them everywhere. I know that you all praying is while I'm still getting up every morning. Some days are great! But, it can all change in a matter of minutes. I constantly have to watch my fever and every little pain my body sends out is magnified in my brain and I think it is the cancer. I am so very thankful for my family. I really could NOT do it without them. When I get so deathly ill my Mom and Sis take over my children. I would not leave them with anyone else. I am so blessed to have these two wonderful Moms in my life. And when I was in the hospital or cancer center I would be drifting in and out of sleep and everytime I would wake up my Dad was sitting there right beside me watching me. Stan is there too. But, Stan also has a business to run to keep up with our big house, two teens and little boy. Plus the medical bills. So, at times he has to leave. He's never gone from my side for long though. But, my Dad is always there. Just knowing my Dad is in the room and my Mom has my kids gives me such a peace that I can not even explain. We continue to find humor in lots of things along this journey. When I was in the hospital Stan of course spent the night with me on a fold out bed. We were getting ready to go to sleep and he starts undressing down to his boxers. I am like "What are you doing?" He said, "I am going to bed." He covered up and went to sleep. Of course I was like "oh my! what if there is a fire or a bomb threat? Are you going to carry me out of here in your boxers?" He just said "It will be okay Kristi." As he always says to me at least 3-5 times a day when I turn into Chicken Little and start acting like the sky is falling. I wish I had his calmness. I know where he gets it. From our Heavenly Father. I get it some days, but some days I let the devil take over my brain and go to a really dark place. But, I just start over everyday and try to go one day at a time. So, my friends, please pray for good scans..............that is our prayer. But, we also pray for God's will. I don't know where I'm gonna be this time next week on my journey, I know where I want to be and have pleaded for it. But, we just never know. I love each of you. I will update next week. blessings, kristi

two doses of the devil and I'm still here!

hey everyone! Just wanted to update you all. I am doing okay. I have my good days and bad days. My first treatment of my new chemo was three weeks ago. One of my chemos is called Cytoxon, and the other is Adrymician(sp?) also known as the red devil. And it lives up to its name! When we went in to get the first dose three weeks ago I was scared. But, the nurse was so sweet and understanding and walked me through it. I had a PICC line put it which I absolutley hate! I miss my mediport! Anyway, she came out with this HUGE syringe full of red fluid. Looked like a shot for an elephant. She stuck it into my line and slowly pushed it in. Took her twelve minutes. I felt nothing. Then the other chemo is in a bag pumped through my line and takes an hour. So I am then done. Don't feel anyting unil two nights later. I wake up and am so severly violently ill. NEVER been that sick in my life. I spent twelve hours in the bathroom. I actually woke Stan up because he thought there was some kind of animal in the bathroom! ha oh, dear LOrd. You know I was being loud because those of you who know sweet Stan know how deaf he is. He came in and found me hanging on. He helped me with everything. Things usually only Moms are capable of doing. He is such a good man. I asked him to bring me a pillow cause lying on the cool tile floor felt good. So, he did. I asked him while I was lying in the floor, "Now Tell me again why I AM DOING THIS!" He looked at me and said, "For Cole and Allie, Kristi." So then I refocused my attention on them instead of the wood trim around the bathroom floor. I made it through the night. I survived it! The next morning Stan and my Dad take me up to the cancer center at 8:00 a.m. They rush me into a room in the back and hook me up to fluids and meds to control the sickness. In about two hours I am good to go. I spend the next week in bed. Where I got addicted to watching the Casey Anthony trial. I know that is bad, but that was all that was on. So if you have any questions about it just ask me. ha How sad is that. Ha Anyway, I started feeling lots of energy three days ago and actually cleaned my house myself and did all my laundry. Then this wed. we went and did it again! But, this time we are trying a new anti nausea/vomit medicine called Emmend. Get this: three pills of this were 500 dollars! That is rediculous! My insurance paid for half. So they better work!!!! That night I was throwing my bones up though I would have given everything I had for one. So, I am hopeful they work. Time will tell cause I just had my treatment yesterday. Also, my sweet beautiful loving sister had some pink bracelettes made to give people to remind people to pray for me! I am so thankful and grateful to her. I love seeing everyone in my church and family wearing them. Especially when I see people I don't even know! Thank you AMy. I also want to say again that my Mom is just the best in the world! This woman takes care of my kids without even asking. She does my laundry when I can't and lays down with me when I need her to. It's not odd to come in my bedroom during the day and see my Mom, Dad, Stan, Allie and Cole all laying in bed with me. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!!!! So, now we get thru these three weeks until we do another. I love all my friends that text me and send me sweet messages on facebook, mail and e-mail. I live for those. All my hair fell out three days ago. All at once. I was brushing it and it just came out. But, I took it alot better than last time. Just part of it. I love each of you that reads this. Even if I don't know you. God BLEss. kristi ~still a survivor

MD ANDERSON

Well, Stan and I survived 4 full long days at MDA. The first night we arrived we checked into our hotel, which was very nice and connected to MDA. When we pulled up for the valet to park my car, for a split second I had to remind myself we were not on a vacation. We were at a medical center. The hotel is connected to MDA by a skybridge so we were able to go to all appointments without even going outside. So convenient and so very nice. But, I have to admit, the first night as we were roaming around this massive place trying to figure out where we were supposed to be at seven a.m. the next morning, I was crying wanting to go home. Stan said absolutley not! We found a security gaurd that actually left his post to take us up to where we were supposed to be bright and early. Thank you Mr. Security gaurd! God bless him. So, the next morning we wake up and start walking to my new breast cancer doctor, Dr. Valero's office, at 6:30 a.m. At 7:00 am we are all checked in and see Dr. Valero at 8:00. Hardly any waiting. The waiting room of the breast cancer wing can be described as an airport terminal waiting area. It's massive. Filled with couches, recliners, fish tanks, waterfalls, sculptures, etc. very peaceful and very relaxing. As I am sitting in the waiting area with about 75 other women I notice that almost all them look my age or younger! What is happening to this generation with breast cancer????? I get called back to a room and put on a gown and the first thing the RN says when she walks in is "Oh, my! You are just a baby!" Then Dr. Valero comes in. Very distinguished gentlemen. His accent sounds like he is from Columbia. He has already been studying my reports and consulting with my other oncologist from home and knows all about me. I was impressed. He basically tells us that the treatments I was originally given didn't work. He said he would have given me the exact same treatments had he treated me first. But, some people's bodies and cancers just respond differently. Basically, cancer can do whatever it wants to. So, he wants to hit it hard with a very aggressive approach and try to shrink tumor and then have a liver oncologist surgeon then remove it. Then more chemo. So, we set up to see the liver onc the next day. But, in the mean time we are going to be doing lots of scanning and bloodwork over the next two days.So, we go back out and wait and they give me my schedule of where I am to be and what time. I am stuck so many times over the next two days and scanned everything. It was fast and furious. One of my scans was scheduled for 8:40 p.m. the second night. So, we go to the wing where everyone is waiting to get scanned and that is when I start seeing people that are so sick and frail. I even saw a little boy about my Cole's age pulling around an i.v. pump. Just heartbreaking. But, I also saw lots and lots of LOVE everywhere!! The night scan apt. was my hardest one. We get there on time and after I check in I see Stan sitting in a chair on the phone and can tell something is wrong by the look on his face. I realize he is talking to my Dad. There are probably 100 people in this room and I go "Oh No! What's wrong?" He tells me that my Allie has been taken to the e.r. in Abilene during a basketball game due to asthma attack! "OH Jesus!" is all I can think. I go over in the corner and talk to my Dad on the phone and he assures me she is okay. Her Dad, Jeff, is there with her and my Mom is too. My Dad has Cole in the waiting room. I cry my eyes out. I go sit down and this woman who is sitting across from me hands me a book. She says , "I just feel lead to give you this." She is crying too. I just open it up to the middle and the first thing I see is this: "We live through the dark by what we learned in the light." WOW! She definately was an angel. God bless her. Allie gets better and is released and I don't get back to my scan until 10:00 p.m. I am able to be still and stay in the machine for 30 minutes. That was a tough day. I find out when I get back to Abilene that my sister was at the e.r. too with Allie and outside the e.r. talking to a pastor that one of her friends had call her. He prayed for me for 30 minutes over the phone to Amy. So, prayer was working. God bless you pastor Hailey! I don't even know you. When we head back to our hotel room via the skybridge(which is about a 10 minute walk) I am exhausted. My Stan pushes me in a wheelchair all the way back. We go to bed and prepare to meet the liver oncologist the next morning. Well, the liver doctor's name is Dr. Curly. So, I was rather curious to see what he looked like. He was a normal looking man and came in with three assistants. He shows me my liver scan from the night before and shows me the spot that is cancer. He says that it is less than one inch in diameter and it is in a perfect place for removal. He explained that had it been close to a vein in my liver he would not have been able to remove it. So, that is the first good news I have gotten in two weeks! I can breath again. So, we decide to do three rounds of chemo in Abilene then go back to MDA and they will scan me and see if it is shrinking and make sure nothing else has popped up. If all looks good I will come home and do one more round of chemo. Then rest my body for a month and go back to MDA for the surgery. I will be in the hospital anywhere from 5-7 days. So, now I have a plan! I do so much better with a plan. kind of. We have one more apt. the next day back with Dr. Valero to finalize everything and then I get to go home! At the last apt. with Dr. Valero he tells me the chemos I will do and also tells me that my blood work showed NO cancer cells in my blood! Another piece of good news. Tumor markers are still elevated, but no cancer cells in blood. Remember tumor markers are just vapors that stupid tumor is giving off. One afternoon while we were waiting Stan and I find the chapel. It is so beautiful. Stained glass, prayer benches and so quiet. I was so impressed at how many nurses were in there praying! It gave me such a comfort that these nurses would take time out to come in and pray. It really was peaceful there. So, we head back home and it is a long long drive............Get home at 1:00 a.m. and go to bed. I wake up at 7:00a.m. and head over to my Mom's to see Cole. This is the first time I have ver been away from him. I go in and he is sleeping. I lay by him and just stare at him. I whisper to him as I rub his little forehead "Cole, it's Mommy." and he says without opening his eyes, "mommy," Then he said "where's Mimi?" So blessed that he made it through those days so easy. He got really attached to his MiMi who is the biggest angel in my life. God bless her. I wouldn't leave him anywhere else. So, now we head in Wed. for the big chemo plan. One of my chemos is known as the Red devil. So, please please pray for me to tolerate this. I had to quit googling it because I was making myself sick just reading about it. So, I am just gonna get through it somehow. People do it everyday. I will update in a couple of weeks. I love each of you. I can't explain how much the prayers mean and I feel them all the time. I had so many wonderful encounters with people at MDA that I am certain were angels in disguise that I know God put in my path. So, now we prepare for the battle ahead. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. But, at least I can do it here at home and I am so grateful for my family.

Round two

May 21 was supposed to be my two year cancer free birthday! Didn't quite get there. On Wednesday, May 18, 2011 at 3:45 p.m. my oncologist confirmed that my cancer had come back. This was a blow to me and all those in my family. I knew he was going to tell me that though. I just knew. Three weeks before I had gone in for my three month bloodwork. They monitor my blood and use things they call tumor markers to try and see if there is cancer somewhere in the body. Tumor markers are basically vapors that cancer cells give off in the blood. Tumor marker tests are notorious for false positives because lots of things can elevate them besides cancer. But, once you've had cancer, like me, they are a tool they use to monitor. When I went in for the results of my bloodtests three weeks ago I went by myself. For some stupid reason I went alone. Stan has always gone with me, but I just told him I would go. I was not expecting anything because I feel better than I ever have. I had been doing my stairclimber twice a day for about 25 minutes each and had been full of energy. So, I go in and the doctor comes in and says that my tumor markers are a "little" elevated. Anything over 37 is considered elevated and mine were 47. I totally panicked! Didn't hear anything else he said except that he sees this all the time and it is nothing. So,he says he will check again in a month and see if they have changed. So, when I get home and tell Stan I have a hard time remembering everything he said. Stan and I decide to make another apt. the next week and for Stan to go in and have the doctor explain what these tumor markers are. so, the next week we go in and my precious doctor agrees to go ahead and redo them that day because I told him there is NO WAY I can wait a month! Well, praise God I listened to my intuition and have a doctor that is so compassionate! The next day we find out they are now at 79. I completely fall apart. My doctor calls me and tells me that this doesn't necessarily mean it is back, but we will do a PETSCAN to see if there is anything going on. I'm thinking how in the world am I gonna do a PETSCAN!! I couldn't even do an MRI and almost broke the machine trying to get out when this all started! So, we schedule the PETSCAN and wait. Waiting is so paralyizing. I couldn't eat. I couldn't look at my children without crying. I was a wreck. I just kept thinking how do people live like this? So, here at my oncologist office they don't have a PETSCAN machine. It comes in every Monday on a big truck. So, that Sunday night Stan and I go and look at the tractor trailer behind the Texas Oncology. I am trying to figure out what kind of machine they have. There are several different types and I wanted to be prepared. Well, we couldn't figure it out. The next morning my amazing, wonderful, angel husband goes up there at 7:00 a.m. and knocks on the tractor trailer door. The guy opens and lets him come in. (those of you that know Stan are not surprised by this at all ha) Stan took pictures of the machine and brought them to me. I knew I could do it then. I knew what to expect. so, that afternoon I do the PETSCAN. I know it is only by the power of prayer and the mercy of my Lord that I was able to do it. It didn't bother me at all. Thank you Jesus. Then we go in on and doctor tells me there is a little spot on my liver. It is 1 1/2 cm. And I will have to do a liver biopsy. Okay. So, two days later we go to the hospital. The doctor says it's so close to me lung that he may not be able to get to it. But, once again, I get through that. It is a catscan guided biopsy so they have to have me go in and out of a CT machine and then stick me in the ribs to get the biopsy. It took about 30 minutes. Thanks to my wonderful nurses I made it through that too. I had to stay at hospital most of day and lay on my side to make sure I had no bleeding and they had to monitor my blood counts. So, that evening I went home. And on May 18th my doctor told me what I already knew in my heart. It was cancer. Now the first time they tell you you have cancer it's like running into a brick wall. But, the second time it's like total schock and you feel so defeated in your fight. We decide to go to MDAnderson to an oncologist that specializes in livers. So, we are headed there this coming Monday. I have no idea what's in store for me there. But, I am gonna do whatever I have to do to get this OUT! The hardest part is going to be having to be away from my children. But I am so grateful I have loving parents and my sister and her family that love my kids as their own and they will be taken care of while Stan and I go back into the ring with the heavy weight champion of the world. We have no idea what to expect, but I finally accepted a peace from God two days ago and I intend on keeping it. I have friends suffering with this disease right now way worse than me and I am just trying to live each day the best I can. I will fight this monster! I want to ask that when you pray you pray specifically for my children, Stan , Mom, dad, and my sister. Pray for peace that no matter what we trust God. I don't know why it came back. I love each of you that reads this. I will blog again after I see doctors at MDA next week. much love, kristi STILL A SURVIVOR!

The Days of My Lives!!

OH! Well, I got the mediport out of my body today! This is so exciting! Although I have to admit it did make the whole process of getting injected with stuff easier than an i.v. But, I am glad it is gone! I pray and hope I NEVER have to have another! But, as always, with me going to the operating room there is always a story and adventure behind it. So, here it goes. Since I have absolutley no patience when it comes to these things I made sure my appointment was scheduled enough ahead of time that I would be the first patient of the day! If you have had the luxury of having to have surgery,(ha), then you know that waiting for your turn can sometimes be a LONG wait and make for a LONG day! So, being the "first patient of the day" is like being "employee of the month!" So, since I have gotten to be really good friends with the scheduler I was first! But, that meant I had to be at the hospital at 5:15 a.m. Which, also meant, I had to get up at 4:30!!! My sweet dear old Dad was kind enough to come over promptly at 4:55 a.m. to stay with Cole so Stan and I could go to the hospital. Thanks Dad!
WEll, needless to say, I am tired and nervous on the drive there. I have done surgery now ten times, but I still get nervous. The hospital I went to is under construction and nothing is where it used to be. So, we get to go through the maze and detours as we aimlessly walk our way to day surgery. And since I am first, we only have to wait like 5 minutes until they call me back. So, I get called back and am actually in a hospital room. My sweet nurse, whom I have had two times before, comes in and we remember each other. She gives me my gorgeous gown and tells me to get dressed in it and lay down and she will be back in a few minutes. So, I get dressed in the lovely gown and lay down in the crispy, clean hospital bed. Stan automatically turns on FOX news and reclines in the recliner. Then the sweet nurse comes back. Hooks me up to an i.v. in my hand and gives me all the itenerarry of my day and leaves. Then a big old guy named Rueben comes and wheels me down to the "make shift" o.r. (remember: everything is temporary because they are renevating the whole hospital) I am always intrigued at how they can wheel you down the halls and elevators in that big ol bed and not hit anything! He takes me in a room that is full of all kinds of metal and surgical looking equipment and tells me good luck and leaves. Now, since I am first, I am the ONLY person in this cold, huge, metal room! There is not even a nurse in here! I am alone looking around and eventually one by one other people get wheeled in wearing their lovely gowns and shower caps. We all look the same. Scared! Then someone comes and talks to me about anesthesia! He actually is not the anesthesiologist, but his assistant. He asks me all the required questions and I answer. He asks if the doctor told me if I was going all the way under. I said I hope so!! I told him to please make sure I stayed asleep during the operaiton. I woke up a couple of weeks ago during my colonoscopy!!! (which is a whole other story) He looked surprised and said he promised he would keep me under. Yep, woke right up during the colonoscopy. It was like the twilight zone. If you have had one, then you can just imagine what that would be like. Freaked me out and everyone in the room!!Only me!
So, now my surgeon comes and gets me and the Dr. Feelgood gives me that wonderful shot in my i.v. and here we go to la la land. I wake up after it's all done and I am fine. But, there is a medicine bottle on my chest with something in it! It is my mediport! Good grief people! It was nasty! I asked the nurse if I was supposed to keep it and she looked at me like, oh no, and said "no" and grabbed it. It was left there by accident. As I am being wheeled back to my family I am overcome by emotion and just bawling. It is a mixture of the anesthesia, morphine and just relief that it is over. The first people I see are my little niece Gracie and my precious son Cole. Beautiful sight. Then my sis, mom and Dad and Stan. I stay about another hour and then I am released home and go straight back to bed. One more thing on my cancer survival checklist. I did meet an angel in the o.r. She was waiting for surgery too. We were across from one another. She was younger than me and was having surgery on her back. She was paralyzed from the chest down due to a car accident. I was humbled listening to her talk. I am so blessed to be where I am. I am grateful for every breath. I am grateful I am not paralyzed. I am grateful I woke up from anesthesia when I was supposed to. I am grateful for my husband and family that are ALWAYS there no matter what time it is. Thank you Jesus for your mercy you have given me. I love everyone who reads this.

Grateful for Pink!

Today as I watch the life of Elizabeth Edwards on t.v. (who passed away yesterday from breast cancer) I am reminded once again of my own mortality. Cancer seems like it is just everywhere I turn. One of my best friends lost her Dad yesterday to this horrible thing and I have lost 6 people in the last year that I have come to know on my journey. It is a frigntening thing if you let it be. But, I try everyday to block it out and just embrace my good fortune. October was a tough month for me. It was breast cancer awareness month and everywhere I WENT there was pink pink pink. There was even a pink ribbon on the butter I bought at the grocery store. I could not escape the pink. Although I am so grateful for what the pink ribbon stands for I just was glad when it was over. Does that sound strange? I don't know. I am just being honest. I also have been thinking a lot lately about my Mema who died from breast cancer in 1984. I was in the 8th grade at the time. That age for a girl is a tough one. I was just blossoming as a woman and thought the world revolved around me. I knew my Mema had breast cancer, but she kept it really private and I didn't know much about what she was going through. I just knew she was sick. Oh how I wish I could tell her I am sorry for not being more sympathetic as a preteen. My Mom tells me that she didn't want anyone to know. No one talked about the breast cancer back then. It was a hush hush thing. My Mema had no pink ribbons. She had no support group or breast cancer walk to participate in. They did not exist. She didn't have a list of phone numbers of other women she could call with this disease day or night. I suspect she felt really alone. There was no anti nauseau medicine for her. She had to endure the side effects of chemo on her own. There were no alternative therapies like Herceptin that I had. There was no reconstruction surgeries. She told my Mom that she would start getting sick on her way to her chemo treatment just thinking about it. So, I realize how selfish I am about letting the pink ribbons upset me. They should remind me how far we have come in treating this horrible thing. They should remind me that I should be grateful I have the opportunites with my treatments that I had. They remind me now of a beautiful woman named Mamie Ophelia who endured this horrilbe journey on her own and with nothing more than her own strength and the strength of her family. So, thank you Mema! Thank you Elizabeth! Thank you Susan G.!Thank you to all those that have gone on after battling this thing. You have made the path easier for the rest of us. I am now grateful for my butter with the pink ribbon :) I love everyone who reads this.

365 days !! And I am shiney!!

Hey friends and loved ones,

Well, today has been one year since my world got turned upside down. But, I am doing so very well! I went back today and read my first blog entry. I have never done that until today. I am such a different person today than I was that day. Thank you Jesus for precious time...........I was telling Stan the other day that I don't even remember last summer. I spent the summer in hospitals, chemo labs and doctor's offices. So, to go outside today and feel the sun, swing my Cole, go watch my Allie play basketball is just so precious to me. But, life has gone on. AS it should. Finished chemo in October and my body is still recovering from that, but I feel better and stronger everyday I wake up. I am still getting weekly infusions at the chemo lab of a medicine called Herceptin. (not chemo) I will do this until July and then I WILL BE DONE. My blood counts are still low, but that is to be expected, so I am still a germophobe and always will be. I have to be so careful. I know that my body could not handle any sickness very well. I learned how damaged my body really is when we went to Sea World last week. Goodness! Six hours of walking was really hard on me. I couldn't figure out why I felt like I had been in some kind of accident the next morning when I woke up! When I asked my oncologist, he said it was damage from the chemo. But, God made our bodies to repelenish themselves and I can tell mine is rebuilding all the things that got destroyed. Hopefully just the good things, right? So, I have one year behind me! Four more to go and then my chances of it coming back go way down. I will be having scans done in July. So, pray for those to be clear. I think once I quit having to go weekly to the chemo lab and seeing my oncologist every three weeks and getting blood work constantly, I will be able to move beyond this a little better. It is hard seeing people in there that started when you did and you know that their chemo is not working. Some have passed away and that is hard too. But, God has showed up so many times in there and I have made lifetime friendships with some amazing people. My kids are all good! Cole is just precious! We were in the car the other day and I looked in the mirror as us girls do and I said ,"Oh, I look horrible today." Cole said,"Mommy, no you don't. I think you look very shiney!" awwwww. That was the sweetest thing! I teared up! My girls are blossoming into beautiful teenagers and our little Cole turned four years old! He keeps me going. We made it through Cole's first soccer season. Looking forward to a layed back summer. My Allie starts High School next year! My Hannah made cheerleader, so she will be busy with that all that next year as an eighth grader. Stan is still my rock. He is the most positive person I have ever known and he swings me back to reality when I let fear take over and reminds me that we are taking all this one day at a time. I know that it has been hard on him, but he would never let me know that. My parents and sister and Sammy are still my biggest supporters as well. I love you all so much family. On Mother's Day we all played wiffle ball as a family with all our kids. I was so so so thankful I was able to do that. My hair is coming back and is almost in enough where I can quit wearing wigs and bandanas, but not quite yet. It is very unruly. I take pictures so I won't ever forget. Once again, I am grateful. Grateful is really not a good enough word to describe what I feel. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am thankful for all my friends and family. People keep telling me how strong I am. But, if you only knew, I am weak. It is my God that is strong!! All I know is that I am alive today! I am stronger today! I am closer to God today! And I don't take one breath for granted. Staying strong, staying in my Bible, and staying positive! kristi