anticipation

Just to update everyone. I made it through my third round of chemo. After my last post, I ended up in the hospital with a fever. I have also been driven up to the cancer center twice thinking I was dying. Ha! seriously. but, of course, I wasn't. I just needed fluids. This chemo is really really tough to say the least. It is trying to kill you without killing you. I know, doesn't make sense. And that is ALL I want to say about the stupid stuff.
I go this coming Monday for a PETSCAN to see if the tumor has shrunk. Hopefully it has. If it has and there is no sign of cancer anywhere else then I will do one more round of chemo that day. And then I will go to MDA on September 12th, 13th and 14th for followups with my docs down there. The plan was to let my little body rest before surgery. So, looks like if all goes as planned my surgery will be probably in October. But, it all depends on how those scans turn out. I hate waiting. It is the absolutle worst part of this whole roller coaster. I've had to take shots the last two rounds as well because my white blood cells have gotten down to 1. Which, is basically none. I hate these shots. They make your bones hurt, but I have made it through those as well. But, they build your white blood cells up almost overnight. Your white blood cells are made in your bone marrow, so that is why it makes your bones hurt. The chemo kills the white blood cells. They are what fight off infections and any bacteria that enters your body everyday. And without them, you are basically a walking magnet for anykind of illness. I will be honest, this is very very trying on my mental status and sometimes I just don't know how I can do it anymore. In the middle of the chemo two week deal I swear I am NEVER doing it again. But,my Stan always brings me back to my Bible and makes me realize I have absolutley NO CONTROL of any of it. Kind of like when you are in labor having a baby and at that moment you swear you will never have another baby again! But, then you do. I just have to trust God. But, somedays are really hard to do that. I am just in awe at all the people praying for me. And the bracelettes my sweet sister has given out just blow me away. I see them everywhere. I know that you all praying is while I'm still getting up every morning. Some days are great! But, it can all change in a matter of minutes. I constantly have to watch my fever and every little pain my body sends out is magnified in my brain and I think it is the cancer. I am so very thankful for my family. I really could NOT do it without them. When I get so deathly ill my Mom and Sis take over my children. I would not leave them with anyone else. I am so blessed to have these two wonderful Moms in my life. And when I was in the hospital or cancer center I would be drifting in and out of sleep and everytime I would wake up my Dad was sitting there right beside me watching me. Stan is there too. But, Stan also has a business to run to keep up with our big house, two teens and little boy. Plus the medical bills. So, at times he has to leave. He's never gone from my side for long though. But, my Dad is always there. Just knowing my Dad is in the room and my Mom has my kids gives me such a peace that I can not even explain. We continue to find humor in lots of things along this journey. When I was in the hospital Stan of course spent the night with me on a fold out bed. We were getting ready to go to sleep and he starts undressing down to his boxers. I am like "What are you doing?" He said, "I am going to bed." He covered up and went to sleep. Of course I was like "oh my! what if there is a fire or a bomb threat? Are you going to carry me out of here in your boxers?" He just said "It will be okay Kristi." As he always says to me at least 3-5 times a day when I turn into Chicken Little and start acting like the sky is falling. I wish I had his calmness. I know where he gets it. From our Heavenly Father. I get it some days, but some days I let the devil take over my brain and go to a really dark place. But, I just start over everyday and try to go one day at a time. So, my friends, please pray for good scans..............that is our prayer. But, we also pray for God's will. I don't know where I'm gonna be this time next week on my journey, I know where I want to be and have pleaded for it. But, we just never know. I love each of you. I will update next week. blessings, kristi