staying positive

I am trying to stay positive...........the good things that came from my first oncologist visit are these: I liked the doctor, his staff and nurses were wonderful and he said I won't be doing the "red devil" chemo..( I am glad I had never heard of this because I would have been worried about it the whole time).....but, I am doing chemo and it won't be easy, but will be doable. (is that a word?) Effects everyone differently. Oh yeah, I only have to do six rounds! The name of the chemo is carboplatin taxotere. I am thinking I can do six, right?? I will do a treatment once every three weeks. So, I should be done by Thanksgiving............good thing. I am going to have to have a port put on my body. That is okay, because that should keep them from messing up all my veins. I am also doing a drug called Herceptin once a week for a year via the port. This drug is NOT supposed to be hard. I am also going to take Tamoxifin to stop my estrogen which will probalby throw me into menopause, but hey, I can do that. I just want to be here............So, I have three, count them three, drugs that are going to be battling for me to save my life. I am thinking God that my cancer is a candidate for all three because some are not. I got my hair cut yesterday short. So, I am preparing for that. Thought it would be less drastic when it falls out if it wasn't so long. I have really thick hair. I have ordered all my little bandanas, hair scarves, so I am ready....... I have to go do bone scans, etc. tomorrow and go to "chemo school." What the heck that is I have no idea........
So, I am okay............I have a plan and those that know me well, know that I do very well with a plan...I just hope it sticks. Of course, I am completely scared out of my mind of this chemo stuff, but I have no choice. I also know that I am closer to God than I ever have been and He alone is all I need to make it through. He has put some wonderful people in my life the past three weeks that have been in my shoes and are such an inspiration to me and supporters. I am now part of a whole new sisterhood one of them told me. I love these sisters...they stick together. So, my prayer is for me to breeze through these next 18 weeks and for me not to be a burden on my family. My amazing family. Bless their hearts. I love them so much. If it wasn't for my Stan I would probably be on a plane for Mexico, but he is keeping me grounded.........Thanks to all of you prayer warriors. I pray for you everyday and know that without you I would have no strength. I love you all.

The Little Things

The doctor gave me permission yesterday to pick up Cole and carry him. I must admit, that has been the most heartbreaking part of this whole deal.........and not being able to do the things for my family that I normally do. Just the little things like packing Allie's suitcase or sweeping my kitchen floor, folding their clothes, loading my dishwasher, giving my son a bath, even washing my own hair. My Allie cat has really stepped up and been such a trooper through this whole thing. She is thirteen and has been so wonderful to me the past week. She has done things without me even having to ask. I told her the other night that I was "sorry, I haven't been able to help you with all your stuff like I normally do." and she said, "Mom, it has actually been kinda good because I have learned to do it myself!" And then I thought, you know what, I have done something right!! And my MOM. Thank you Jesus for letting me be this woman's daughter! My wonderful, beautiful mother has been by me the whole time. The first night home from surgery she slept on the floor beside me! I couldn't have anyone in the bed with me because of all the movement and I did not want to be alone. Stan had to help Cole get to sleep, so my precious Mother drags her bedding in the room and just curls up on the floor beside me. Just having her in there allowed me to go to sleep. She kept my household going as well. Laundry, feeding my family, running my daughter around, taking Cole to play, etc. I am a lucky girl.
So , I am now driving and picking up my little Cole in my arms! Something I so took for granted before has now become a luxury and privilage to me. I also want to thank my husband Stan who has been my cheerleader through the past two weeks. He has kept me focused on the positive. He refused to allow me to lay in the darkness during the day and wallow in self pity, which is what I would be prone to do. He made me get up and drage myself outside on the porch in the light. He reminded me that Satan is in the dark. God is in the light. Is attitude of gratitude has been a blessing to me and I am so glad God put him on this journey with me. The journey isn't over yet, but, I am so grateful to have such an awesome support group. I will never take any of these little things for granted again!
To everyone who reads this; girls, go get a mammogram. Boys: make your wives, moms, sisters, aunts, any female in your family go get one. Mine saved my life! or at least made it a lot longer than it would have been!!!! Do it for me!! love you all, kristi

Docotr visit : good news!!

Well, we all headed up to the doctor today at 9:00. Me, Stan, Mom, Dad and Amy and Cole and Amy's little Gracie. I was a nervous wreck......needless to say. I commented like "this must be what it feels like when you are going back to court to find out your fate from a jury." I knew my answer was on some piece of paper in that huge building I was about to walk into. I also knew that God could change it anytime He wanted. We prayed before we left my house. Me, Stan and Mom. Stood in my kitchen crying praying for good news, but if it wasn't, then His will, then prayed for all of us to accept it and God to give me strength.......When I get called back to the room I am still a little anxious. I am thinking , well, if anything, at least I can take these stupid drain tubes out today and be able to sleep on my side or stomach again. Mom and Stan are in there with me. Amy, Dad, and the little ones are down in the lobby. The nurse comes in takes my temp. I am looking for ANY sign of a diagnosis from him. But, he is just his same, nice, polite self. Doesn't act any different. So, he leaves. Then my angel comes in. The doctor. She comes in and the first thing she says as I am sitting there in my little paper shirt with my drain tubes hanging all around me is, "You are gonna be one happy camper today. All of your 20 lymphnodes I took out were cancer free." And then it hit me. It hand't spread! And it was gone!!!! The angel said even she couldn't really believe it. She had felt that it would have been in several, if not all of them....But, we could believe it. My prayer warriors that have so diligently been praying for me can believe it. God answered our prayer. This is the best news I could have recieved today from her. I asked her "Are you sure? Because yesterday on Oprah there was this lady (she is grinning as if to say, Kristi, really?) who's slides got mixed up in the pathology lab? She said, "Yes, I am sure. I would trust these pathologists with my own life. And you were the only one I did that day." I then I heard God speaking to me. Telling me he would never leave me..Deutoronomy 31:8..........and I heard all those verses I have memorized now coming through my head : Psalms 91; Isaiah 40: Jermiah 29:11, Psalsm 27. I am saying all these again in my head and she is taking out two of my drain tubes. I have to keep one for a little longer but I don't care......My Mom asks the angel doctor if she can hug her. Then I hug her. She tells me I will be doing some chemo targeted at that area just to be safe, but I don't care. I feel like I can do anything. My Mom leaves the room to go downstairs to tell my Dad and Amy. We finish up and the angel leaves the room. Stan holds me and prays over me and I have never been so humbled by Jesus as I was at that moment. He is in control of this. He loves me this I know. So, I want to thank ALL of you that have been pryaying for us. None of this would be possible without EACH OF YOUR PRAYERS. Keep praying. I know that chemo may be a battle, but I truly feel like I can do it no matter what it is. I don't go to the oncologist until June 30. I have to continue to heal from the mastectomies. Thanks again and know that if I could I would hug and kiss each of you and thank you in person. Don' stop praying for us! And I am praying for all of you ~ love, kristi

Four Long Days

hello friends,

it is hard for me to type. I am recovering physically, but it is definately the hardest thing I have EVER done. and I know this is just the first battle. Surgery day was the longest day of my life and those who were waiting I am sure even longer. Mentally I am struggling...... I am clinging to Isaiah 40:30-31. Please keep praying for me. I could never tell you all how much I appreciate all your prayers. God's presence was with me on surgery day and still is. I felt your prayers and experienced Him answering them while I was alone in that surgery room. I will write those experiences later when I can type faster. It was amazing. I still know that God is good and I still am trusting Him, but it is hard sometimes to keep focused on that. satan keeps planting fear and uncertainty. Please pray for my mind to stay focused on the good and positive. I go back to the doctor on Wed. I will get the results from my masectomies then. Please continue to pray for my family. I will write next week. love you all, kristi

I've got a date!

Okay, well the surgery has been set for Wed. at noon. I am planning on this, but won't believe it until they wheel me into that cold operating room. Yesterday was hard. I must admit. But, my dear family kept me laughing and I was able to spend some time with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Janice. They had already gotten here, bless their hearts, when we were told of the cancellation. So, we spent the whole day laughing and Stan made me eat all day.... LOL (men are so funny on what they think you need to do huh?) anyway, today I plan on praying and spending some time with my precious children....and my Mom. I know I will shed tears AGAIN, but I must admit, they are getting fewer. I think God knew I wasn't quite ready yesterday. I probably won't write anymore until a few days after surgery when I am home and able to move my arms. I might have to get Stan or Allie to type for me, but I promise to keep all informed. This is so therapeutic for me. Thank you for all the prayers, I can truly feel them. Please don't stop.........Like I told one of my friends earlier, I am having this surgery TOMORROW. unless there is a tornado or something. the luck I am having, I am ruling nothing out.........LOL
love, kristi

God works in mysterious ways

Well, I was all prepared mentally this morning. I had my little zebra print suitcase packed to go. As I was walking out the door this morning the hospital called and said that my doctor had to cancel due to the flu in her family and she wasn't risking operating on anyone today. Totally understandable, but devastating to me. I selfishly fell apart for about thirty minutes and then I got a verse in my Bible and realized that there is a reason for everything. My dear friend Tish remineded me that God Is In Control of This!!!!!!!!!

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

so, I picked myself up and this verse is what I am focusing on today. Still clinging to my cross from my Life Group. Love, kristi