That crazy Mom peeking through the window?.......yep, thats me!

Cole started kindergarten. We are now on day three of the new chapter in our lives. Oh...........I am so tired of having to start new chapters.......but, that is what life is..........all about the "changing" and "adapting", but, gosh darn it........I want time to stand still!!!!! Day one of kindergarten was not good, to be honest. I started thinking as I was waking my baby boy up at six a.m. that maybe I should have put him in some sort of "mother's day out" or somehting before this big ol step!!! geezzzzzz..........So, I wake him up and he's tired, crying not wanting to go. After all, he's used to sleeping until 9:30 everyday.........But, we make it and I walk him into his class first day.........As I am putting his back pack in his "cubby" and making sure his lunch box is on the appropriate table, I look at him and he is pale..........."Mommy, I think I am gonna throw up. I need water." oh dear, please don't let my child throw up in front of all the other kids on the first day........So, we go out to the water fountain and he gets a drink. He's all better now, and I take him to his desk. His awesome, fantastic, beautiful teacher comes over and hugs him and assures him what he is supposed to be doing......I hug my baby and tell him I will be back soon. And then I walk out of the room....my legs feel like they are weighted down with at least ten pounds each..............I can't look back at him because if I do I am gonna sweep him up in my arms and run out of there as fast as I can and go home and start educating myself on homeschool........He is where he needs to be. And I know this. But, why does it feel like I am throwing him into the ocean??? He is now going to have to learn how to take turns, get in a line, raise his little hand, ask to go to the bathroom, eat when it's time, ....and the list goes on and on... That first day goes by soooooooo slow............I can't wait until three o'clock!!!!! I try and keep busy and even make myself sleep to make it go by faster.......At three I go pick him up. Amazingly, he is all in one piece!!!! He is smiling.........he is happy. All that matters is this: he's happy. Thank you Lord for Mrs. Powell. She has to have wings under her shirt I just know it. But, that night, at bedtime he starts crying not wanting to go back the next day......oh dear. So, me and Stan listen to him with our hearts breaking knowing that this will pass...........but, gosh, he's been through so much. Why can't he just be okay???? Second morning we get up. Lots easier this time.....He is ready to go!!! I make sure he has everything in his backpack: folder with the check mark in the appropriate spot to show teacher I saw it; lunch box; snack; water bottle with name written in sharpie with a heart; and then we load up and head back to the building where he will spend the next nine months of his life. Second day goes very well, not a problem at all..I pick him up after school and he's all smiles again and proud he was chosen to be "line leader." .......but, day THREE is a different story. So, on day three the school changes the routine.........oh, that stupid changy thing again!!! Instead of walking kids to their class we are now instructed to drop them off at at the cafeteria and their teacher will get them to their class. So, I have to explain to my little child, who hates change, what we are gonna do. We arrive at the cafeteria promptly this morning and I am just in awe at the number of kiddos in there. Now, you would think that I wouldn't be in awe at all........after all, I was an elementary school teacher at this same school system for many years and know the routine of how it all works. But, the ineveitable has finally happened........I am NOW ONE OF THOSE MOMS ME AND MY OTHER TEACHER FRIENDS USED TO MAKE FUN OF!!!!. oh karma!!! you always show up!!! hahahah Well, I get Cole to the correct seating line on the cafeteria floor with his class. Then I gingerly walk to the front of the room and turn around and watch him. I begin talking to a friend I see and then she leaves like we are supposed to. I am standing there watching all the kiddos.I am thinking how precious they all are. Cole waves at me or gives me a "tumbs up" about every 60 seconds. I realize that I am the only Mom left. So, I wave a final goodbye to my love and walk out the door. I can tell by his eyes that he is concerned and then I see him looking for Mrs. Powell. So, I leave the building...........MOMMY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!!! I am sure many were glad. As I am walking down the sidewalk I notice the little windows to the cafeteria. I ponder a moment; should I take a peek? hmmmmmm.........yeah, I go ahead. I cup my hands around my face and peak in. I am looking frantically at the back of all the little heads and don't see Cole's. Oh dear...........where is he? Finally, I see his little striped backpack and lock in on him. He is fine. I decide I am crazy! As I am about to step back, in a split second he turns his head around and sees me!!! OH DEAR!!!!! Our eyes lock and I panic. Now, mind you, there are about 200 kids or more in this cafeteria and about ten windows. And darn the luck.........he sees me!!! I continue to stand there having to keep my hands cupped because of the sun and up on my tiptoes. I know now at this point I can't just leave. He keeps turning his head and looking like every 20 seconds. He's waving big time and I feel like I am about to get sent to the principal's office. I put my finger up to my lips and make the "Shhhh" signal and he winks at me. Now we have a secret. Which makes him continue to look even more. Several parents walk by and I know they are thinking I am a stalking, crazy , Nut!!!! But, I can't leave until he does. So, I stand there with my face planted up against the glass for a solid FIFTEEN minutes! Mrs. Powell sees me and tries to pretend she doesn't. As do many of the other teachers. I can only imagine what I would have been thinking about this mother when I was teaching. So, finally they get up and line up and walk out. My little man turns one last time and gives me the "thumbs up" as if to make me feel okay for once. I then walk to my car and get in and bawl like a baby. Cancer or no cancer..........this is tough!!!!! I have found myself wandering the aisles of the grocery store crying because I miss him. I keep looking back at his booster seat while I am driving and realize he is at school. He's growing up and I am adjusting. I miss him. Letting go is so very hard. So, that is where we are. I am a nut and Cole is a kindergartner and Mrs. Powell is the new love of his life. And Mrs. Powell is a gem for letting me be one crazy mommy!!!!! I love all of you!!

The ugly door

Stan and I got back from Houston almost two weeks ago and as most of you know ALL my reports are still PERFECT!!! Thank you Jesus.........I feel like I am the luckiest girl on the planet. Well, I know I am. We were at MDA only for two nights this time. They actually did tests and doctor visit all in one day this time. This was really nice because I started my testing at 7:00 a.m. and we knew results by 2:00 p.m. I had a horrible time getting an i.v. this round. Not sure why......and the actual scan I cried through the whole thing.(the whole "breathe in.............breath out" instructions given to me by the machine was done via tears streaming down my face. So glad I didn't have on mascara! I had the best doctor and nurse in there with me though and they were so sweet and kind. When we went to see doctor at 1:00 p.m. to get results he came in the room through the big old ugly door that I so desperaley hate!!! I hate that door!!! I know its just a piece of wood, but, Stan and I always sit on one side and just stare at it.Our waiting time in the little bitty room to hear the news is a really tough time. I usually start nosing around in the all the cabinets (cause I can't be still)I always take the insturments off the wall and look in Stan's ears and nose!! crazy huh? The walls are so thick that our phones won't work. So, we read all the posters on the wall...........I usually go out to the hall a couple of times. I am such a detailed person that even when I am changing into those horrible robes out of my clothes to be examined I think to myself "Now, when I put these clothes BACK on I will know if I am still good or not." And I fold them real neatly and lay them on the bench in dressing area as if that will change the outcome. Just really pure insanity. ha! Knowing that when the ugly door opens everything will be really good or really bad..........kind of like that game show where you say , "I pick door number 1." Knowing not what is behind it. But, this time when Dr. Valero came through the door he had not looked at my reports yet because it was so soon since I did them. So, he listened to the dictation the doctor had recorded to be printed right in front of us. Of course, Stan couldn't hear it and I had no idea what the words meant that the doctor was saying on the recording. It took Dr. Valero about ten minutes to listen to the whole thing. The doctor on the recording kept saying in a foreign accent the word "colon." That is really all the word I could pick out he was saying with his heavy accent. I was freaking out!!! But, after he said it about the tenth time and then said also the word "period" I realized, to my delight, that he was saying it as punctuation for the person who would have been transcribing it to paper..........Thank the Lord for my English teaching skills.........cause I was about to pass out thinking it had spread to my colon!!!! So, after Dr. Valero turned it off he looked at me and said ,"you are in remission. you are good." He hugged me real tight and tears were streaming down my face. I look at Stan and I see a weight literally lifted off his face and shoulders. We listen to the doctor as he tells me we will continue with this proactive treatment I am on until December. Then we will do scans of whole body and if all still good I will get off all medicine!!!!!!! I go change back into my nealty folded clothes and we leave through the now beautiful door!!!!! I text my immediate peeps( mom, dad, amy, sammy, jeff) and we head out of there!!!! So, here I am again getting to write wonderful news.........I am just in awe of God's grace and mercy He has granted me because I don't deserve it. None of us do. I realized over the past week how really hard all this must be on my husband. My beautiful, strong, Stan worries more than he tells me. Actually, he never tells me or leads me to believe for one second that he worries. But, when I saw his face change after doctor told me I was in remission I realized it. I don't know how any one that watches their loved one go through this roller coaster of hell does it. So, I ask that you pray for my Stan. Pray for my Mom and Dad and my sister and my children. I am learning to truly live in the moment and some days it is really difficult. But, I am so grateful for my family and friends and all of you who read my blog. Pray for my little Cole as he starts Kindergarten in a couple weeks. He asked me the other day, "Why do people even have to go to school?' I said, "So, when you grow up you can get a job and take care of your family." He replied, "Well, ...........my wife might have a job." I said, "Yes, she might," He then said, "I think I will just be a stay at home Dad." hahahaha. oh this little guy is so funny. I told him "Well, you let me know how that works out for ya!" And my beautiful Allie will be a Junior in high school!!! I just can't believe it! And my sweet Hannah will be a sophomore!!! Pray for them to remain strong in their faith as they enter these years of important decisions. So, now I am looking forward to getting back into the routine of being involved in an elementary school. It's been awhile, but I am so grateful that I will be able to. And be able to while I feel good!!!! Life is so short people............enjoy every minute. I do have bad days, don't think for one second that my life is all positive, but in those horrible days I look at my kids and know that I am still here for them. I look at my Stan and know that he needs me. I look at my parents and sister and know that the story isn't over. We are a family and we are gonna keep on going and enjoy every stinking minute!!!!! NO MATTER WHAT!! I love all of you who read.......................still a survivor-kristi