10(really 11) things to say or NOT say to a cancer patient

In the past four and a half years I have had so many people ask me how they can help a friend or loved one who was just diagnosed with cancer or what is the appropriate thing to say. I have been keeping notes the past few years and have finally come up with my "do" and "don't" list. I have ran this list by a couple other cancer patients and I am fully confident that anyone that has been faced with this monster would agree with me. And....there are so many that could be added, but I have listed my top ten. And please note....if you have said some of these things to me or another cancer patient please don't be offended that they made the list! LOL...no one plans for cancer and there is only really one simple polite response, which I will give at the end. This is all done with a little flair and some laughs, but at the same time it is very serious advice. I love each of you and hope you enjoy my list and maybe learn something. When a loved one or friend is diagnosed with cancer, if you are like me before I was diagnosed, most people are first of all shocked! They usually say with that confused squishy eyebrow look, "What? Oh no." I remember people looking at me like I was speaking French or something when the words came out of my mouth, "I have cancer." Believe me, the words tasted as bad as they sounded. I am almost five years into this and I still can not believe it sometimes. Okay...... so here it goes. 1. PLEASE, I beg you under any circumstance, when someone tells you they have cancer do NOT tell them about someone you know who had cancer and died. Even if you helped this person through chemo and were by their side the whole time.... do not even bring that up. I can not tell you how many times someone has come up to me and said, "Oh, my 'so and so' had cancer. They fought it so long and were so sick and it finally got them." If you know someone that has SURVIVED..... DO tell us about that person. Give us their phone number!!! We love to hear success stories. 2. DO NOT give medical advice. Even if you are a cancer patient and are helping a new patient. Do not tell a person where to go for treatment. This is a very intimate personal decision that is based on so many factors that are really beyond our control. Whatever the patient decides to do, or not do....respect it. Period. 3. DO NOT tell the cancer patient to start eating more lemons or blueberries!! This has to be the MOST frustrating thing I have had happen to me. I PROMISE YOU if a lemon, blueberry,asparagus or hydrogen peroxide could cure cancer there would not be a lemon one to be found on this planet. Diet is important, but foods do NOT cure you. 4. If the person has lost their hair do NOT bring it up. Do NOT ask if they are wearing a wig. Just look at them as normal as possible and don't stare at their head. Instead of asking if they have lost their hair just simply say , "You look beautiful today." 5. DO NOT ask breast cancer patients about reconstruction and don't stare at the chest. I am still appalled at how many people ask about reconstruction. The only people that are okay to talk about that are their spouse and another 'sister' who understands how personal that is. And please do NOT say, "well, now you get a boob job." Reconstruction is FAR from a boob job and requires LOTS of surgery, scars, drains and time and extremely painful. 6. ALWAYS ask a cancer patient how they are feeling. No matter how much time has passed......ALWAYS ask. 7. If the patient is going through chemo do NOT do pop in visits to their home. Always call first. Bring them something that will cheer them up. Something that has NOTHING to do with cancer. 8. Do not say "I'm praying for you." unless you really are. This phrase has become so misused. Instead of saying, "I am praying for you," why not stop what you are doing and pray over them and with them. 9. If the patient has children, offer to take their kids somewhere fun. Such as movie,etc. Get the kids out of the house! 10. And my biggest peeve of all is this one. If someone does pass away from cancer PLEASE when talking about them do NOT say, "Well, they were sick for along time." Being sick for a long time does NOT make death okay..........EVER!!! I promise you, us young moms with small children would live being sick everyday........cut off all of our body parts........if it meant we would be able to stay on earth and raise our children. 11. And okay, so one more..........The absolute best thing you can do for a cancer patient is LISTEN. Just be there and listen. And if you feel the need to say something the only thing really that is okay is to say , "I am so sorry this is happening to you. I love you." Kristi still a survivor